Full text of "Peck's bad boy and the grocery man [microform]"

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Canadian Inatltuta for Historical Microraproductiaas / InstitM Canadian da microraproduetiora liiatoriquaa

1995

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PECK'S BAD BOY

AND

THE GROCERY MAN

GEO. W. PECK

iBtumud

TORONTO

THE MUSSON BOOK COMPANy

LIMITED

PX8

880657

CONTENTS

xxn

**'"— OMNKBK

THE GROCERY MAN

AND

PECK'S BAD BOY

CHAPTBB I.

YAMmOATWD DOOB.

"How do yon and your Pa g«t along nowl" aiked th.
^^;^-^ of fte bad boy. a. he lean^ agaiLtSl^

'•0, I don't know. He don't Mem to appreciate m.
What he ought to have i. • deaf and dmnb C^oSl'

ildut™? ^ "^ '"' ^^ "^ ^ ne^Tbe^
^ifyoun«„r«emeag«n. I talk of going off with a

^ Uve be«. a «.ldn.. in th. ftonly. a«i I 5;^

fl,ilw''kf'- " '^ ""^'^ »' that kind. Ton know Pa
y«-M h. know, it aU; but it do.t ..« to «• iiSS

TBI OBOCIBT UAS IMD

■ man of hii age, that bad aeaat, would let a tailor palm off
on Um a pair of panta so ti^^t that he -wonld have to tiae a
bntton-hook to bntton them; bat they ean eateb him on
everything, jiut as (bungb be was a kid smoking oigarettet.
Well, yon know Pa drinks some. That night the new elnb
opened be came home pretty fmitfal, and next morning bif
head ached so be said be wonld bny me a dog if I wonld go
down town and gst a bottle of pollynnrions water for him.
Ton know that dye honae on Grand avenne, where tliey
have got the fonr white spitz dogs. When I went after the
pennrions water, I noticed they had been coloring their
dogs with the dye staff, and I pnt ap a job with Uie Sy«
man's little boy to help me play it on Pa. They had one
dog dyed pink, another bine, another red, and another
green, and I told the boy I wonld treat him to iee eream if
he wonld let one ont at a time, when I came down with Pa,
and eall him in and let another ont, and when we started
to go away, to let them all ont What I wanted to do was
to paralyse Pa, and make him think he had got 'em, got
dogs the wont way. So, abont ten o'clock when his bead
got oleared off, and bis stomaeb got settled, he elianged ends
with bis enffs, and we came down town, and I told him I
knew where be conld get a splendid white spitz dog for me,
tor five doUan; and if be wonld get it, I wonld never do
anything disrespeotfnl again, and wonld jnst ait np nights
to please him, and help him np stairs and get seltzer for
him. So we went by the dye bonse and jnst as I told him I
didnt want anything bat a white dog, the door opened, and
the pink dog came ont and barked at ns, and I said 'that's
him' and the boy called him back. Pa looked as thongb
he ha.i the eolic, and bis eyes stack ont, and be said 'Han-
nary, that is a pink dog!' and I said 'no, it is a white dog,
Pa,' nd jnst then the green dog came ont, and I aAad Pa
it it waant a pr«tty wb:te dog, and Pa, he tnmed pale and

FMX'S BAD BOT.

Mid 'iMll, bQ7, that k a gnen dos^what'i got mto tha
dog^t' I told he mnat be eolor blind, and waa feeling in
mj poeket for a (trap to tie the dog, and telling him he
mnit be eatefol of hi* health or he would see wmefliing
worse than green dogs, when the green dog went in, and the
bine dog eama mshing oat and barked at Pa. Well, Pa
leaned againat a tree box, and his eyes stack out like stops
on an organ, and the sweat was all over his faee in drops
as big aa kernels of hominy.

"I think a boy ong^t to do everything he ean to make it
pleasant for his Pa, don't yout And yet, some parents
dant realize what a comfort a boy is. The blue dog waa
called in, and jnst as Pa wiped the perspiration off his
forehead, and mbbed his eyes, and put on his specs, the
red maroon dog came oat Pa acted as if he was tired md
sat down on a horse block. Dogs do make some people
tired, don't th^t He took hold of my hand, and his nand
trembled jnst as though he was putting a gun wad in the
eolleetion plate at church, and he said, 'My son, tell me
truly, is that a red dogt'

"▲ fellow has got to lie a little if he is going to have any
fun with his Pa, and I told him it waa a whit? dog, and I
aonld get it for five dollais. He straightened np jnst as the
dog went into the house, and said, 'Well, I'm dem'd;' and
jnst then the boy let all the dogs out and sicked them on a
ea^ which ran np a shade tree right near Pa, and they rush-
ed all around us— the blue dog going between his legs, and
the green dog trying to climb the tree, and llie pink dog
barting, and the red dog standing on his hind feet.

"Pa was weak as a eat, and told me to go right home with
him. and he wonld buy me a bicycle. He asked me how
many dogs there were, and what was the color of them. I
■^KM I did awful wrong, but I told him there was <mly one
dog, and a oat, and the dog waa iHtite.

TBI flMCHT MAM AMB

"Wall, tir, Pa acted jnst as he did the night Hanooek
wai beat, and he had to have the doctor to give him lome-
thing to qniet him (the time he wanted me to go down town
and boy a handled rat traps, hat the doctor aaid never
mind, I needn't go). I took him home, and Ma loaked hii
feet, and give him aome ginger tea, and while I wai gone
after the doctor he aiked Ifa if she erer saw a green dog.

"That was what made aU the trouble. If Ma had kept
her month shat I woold have been all ri|^ but she op and
told him that they had a green dog, and a bine dog, and all
ooloia of spitz dogs down at the dyers. They dyed them
just for an advertisement, and for him to be qniet, and he
would feel better when he got over it. Pa was all right
when I got back and told him the doctor had gone to Wan-
watoaa, and I had left an order on his slate. Pa said he
would leave an order on my slate. He took a harness tng
and nsed it for breeching on me. I don't think a bi^'a Pa
ongfat to wear a harness on his son, do yoat He said he
wonid leani me to play rainbow dogs on him. He said I
wss a liar, and he expected to see me wind np in Congieas.
Say, is Congreas anyfliing like Wanpon or Sing Singt No,
I eaat stay, thank yon, I moat go down to the offioe and
tell Pa I have reformed, and freeze him oat of a cirens
ticket He ia a good enon^ man, only be don't apprecistte
a boy that hijp got all the modem improvements. .Pa and
Ma are going to enter me in the Sunday aehool. I guess
111 take Ibst money, dnnt yont"

AbA tha bad boy went ont with a viaiUe limp, and a look
of fMina erampad for want of opportDniiy.

liBABaor.

cbaftebu

Hn PA FLATS JODB.

S^th^ af!.**^ "^ °' *^ «™*^ nun. « ha e«S
m With Ui Snndv ioit on. «nd a bouquet in hit button.

kotaj «Bd pri«d off . Muple of lig. from « »«w b« «h.t h«i
DMn juft opened.

"No eir," «id the grooeiy man, a. he Uaked off th.
I^£^«.f""^ from a quart meanin, from whieh he
hadb^fflUng.jug. "IholdthatrmTwhogrtimad"
apr«*,eal joke, that i^ one that doe. not injureUm. i. .
tool, and he onj^t to be Aunned by aU d««.tl^li^
That.. meebouquM you haye in your ooat Whattait,
P«-«.t Let m. .neU of it," and the g««„y man bJu
ow m front of the b<y to take a whiff at tteltouquet M
ta did » a rtream of water diot out of the innooent lookin.
tauqjMt and rtruok him fuU in the faoe, and run downowi
toiWrt, and the groeery man yeUed murder, and feU owr

^«!^«1 "^ 'i^ '^ '"'*^ "°"*^ """J *« ««>P«J
wound for a towel to wipe hi. faoe.

M he to^ up an axe helye and rtartod for him, "what kind

you.^ thimder," and he roUed up hi. dUrt deer,..

A.^Sl^''^ *""'*'• I*«*«t*tToteofyouon
*e wbj«rt of pmsid jok«, before the n»ehine b«« to

J*V »P«m the eoniUpation th.t w.. mging « yo^Twir
«V»e»,a.dyon«idth«taniMi,Ao wmM |et mad at

THE OBOOBIT UAH AMD

a jak* wu • Ud, and now I know tt. Hai* let m* dww
it to TOO. Than ia a rabber hoaa mna {ram the bowjoat,
inaida my ooat to my panta poakat, and than b • bulb of
rnbbar, that bolda about half a pint, and whan a faller
amalla of tlu poi^y, I aqnaaia the bulb, and yon tea tha
raaolt It'a fnn, when yon don't iqairt it on a panon fliat
getamad."

The groeeiy man laid he would giye the boy half a
pound of flgi if he wonld lend tha bonqat to him for half
an hour, to pli^ it on a enatomer, and the boy fixed it on
the grooeiy man, and tamed the nonle m it would iqnirt
ri^t baek into the graoery man'a faee. He tried it on the
flnt eoatomer that came in, and got it right in hia own faoe^
and then the bnlb in hia panti pooket got to leaking and
the nit of the water ran down the graoery num'a tronaan'
leg, and he gave it np in diagoat, and handed it baek to the
bar.

"How waa it your Pa had to be earried home from the
Boeiable in a hack the other ni{^tt" aaked the grocery man,
aa he atood eloae to the atoye ao hia paati leg wonld dry.
"He haa not got to drinking again, haa het"

"0, no," aaid the boy, aa he filled the bnlb with yinegar,
to praotioe on hia ofanm. "It waiUiia bonqnet Ihat gotPa
into the tronble. Yon see I got Pa to amell of it, and I jnat
filled him ehnok fnll of water. He got mad and called me
all kinda of namea, and aaid I waa no good on earth, and I
wonld fetch up in state's prison, and then he wanted to bor-
row it to wear to the sociable. He said he wonld have mon
fan than yoa ooald shake a atiek at, and I aaked him if he
didnt think he-woald feteb np in atate'a priaon. and he
said It waa diifeiwit with a man. He said when a man
played a Joka tiian was a certain dignity abont it that waa
i««Hng in a boy. So I lent it to him, and we all went to the
aoeiable in the basimiaiit of flw ehnreh. I never see Pa

nCK'g BID BOT.

more UtUaj that he wu that nii^t H« llUtd the bnlb
with iee water, and tiie ftrat one he got to emell of hia bnt-
too-hole boaqnet waa an old maid who ttii«fc« Pa b a
he ath e n , bat ihe lilces to be made aomething of hj anybody
that wean pauta, and when Pa lidled up to her and began
talking abont what a great work the obristian wimmea of
the land were doing in ednoating the heathen, she felt real
good, and then ihe noticed Pa 'a posey in his bntton-hole
and she tonehed it, and then she reached over her beak to
smell of it. Pa he squeezed the bulb, and about half a tea-
cupfnl of water struck her right in the nose, and some went
into her strangle place, and O, my, didn't she yelL The
sisters gathered around her and they said her face was all
covered with perspiration, and the paint was coming off,
and th^ took her in the kitchen, and she told them Pa had
slapped her with a dish of ice eream, &nd the wimmin told
the minister and the deaeons, and they went to Pa for an
explanation, and Pa told them it waa not so, and the min-
ister got interested and got near Pa, and Pa let the water
go at him, and hit him in the eye, and then a deacon got a
dose, and Pa laughed; and then the minister, who used to
go to college, and be a hazer, and box, he got mad and
squared off and hit Pa three times right by the eye, and
one of the deaeons kicked Pa, and Pa got mad and said he
could clean out the whole shebang, and began to pull off his
coat, when they bundled him out doors, and Ma got mad
to see Pa abused, and she left the sociable, and I had to
sti^ and eat ice eream and things for the whole family.
Pa says that settles it with him. He says they haven't got
any more christian charity in that church than they have
in a tannery. Hia eyes are just getting over being blaok
from the sparring leasons, and how he has got to go through
eyttan and heefateak eore again. He says it is all owing
tome."

° TBM emoamir UAK tm

"WtU, what hM aU tUi «Bt to do witt jimr paMiif mp
■iff* in front of my iton^ 'Rotttn Bgp,' and 'Vrowy
Bnttar a ipodaMy,' taid tlM grooMT man aa ha took tha boy
bj Oa aar and pnllad him around. Ton baTO got an idaa
yoQ are imart, and I want 700 to keep away fran h«a.
The next time I cateh yoa in haia I dull eall the poliee
and hare yon pnlled. Now git I"

The lay polled hia ear back on the dde of hi* head

IF I wta A FBOvmoM pmAn.

where it belonged, took oat a cigarette and lit it, and aft*
pnfbig imoke in the faoe of the grooeiy eat that waa aleep-
ing on tb • eorer to lite tngar barrel he said:

"If I waa a proviiion pirate that never acid anything bat
what WIS (polled lo it oonldn't be lold in a fint-olaM atore,
who oheated in wai^iti and meamrea, who bon^ only
wormy Hgt and dee^yad eod-flah, who got his bnttvtem a
fat rendering establishment, his eider from a vinagar tmt-

rmx'a bad bot.

I wnMiId set
^nv.tir, I

»«y. Mid Ui tagu irom • gfauoM Uetorr,
nwolt Am ton of on* of the flncrt fcmnj t,
eoold go ont on the oomer, and when I ■_„ «,»wi<ia„
•oniiag here, I eoold taU • itorj that wonld ton Oeir
^maOm, end tend them to the grooeiT <« the nert eomer.
Bnppoee I ehonld teU them tiwt the eirt ileepe in the dried
■ppl* bHirt, that the ndee mtde neate in the pmne boi,
•nd rati run riot thrani^ the radne, and that you new
waah Tonr handa eseept on Deeoration d«r and Ohrialmaa,
that 70a wipe TOOT noee on yonr aUrt deerci, and that roD
hare the Ueh, do yon think your hnaineai w«mld be impror-
edf Bnppoee I ihonid teU enetomen that yon buy aonr
krant of a wooden-ahoad Polaekar, who makee h of pieeee
of eabbage that he geti hy gathering ewill, and aeUe that
•tnir to reapeetable people, eonld yon pay your rentt HI
•honld teU them that yon put kwengen in the eoUeetiMi
plate at ehnreh, and eharge the miniater forty eenta a
ponnd for oleomargarine, yon wonld haw to ekae np. Old
man, I am onto yon, and now yon apokigiie for pnlling mr
ear." ^'

The gioeeiy man tnmed pale dnring the neital, and
fcially add the bad boy waa one of the beat litfle fbUowa
in thia town, and the bqy went out and hung np a aign in
froEt: Gill, wanted to eook.

nn owMiBT xAir im

OHAFTBB m.

I PA n

"I hear yon had biii!^ui orar to tout hooMlaitiii^it,"
•aid the gnetrj man to tha bad boy, m he eame in and aat
on the ooanter ri|^t orer a little gimlet hole, dImn the
grocery man had fixed a darning needle ao that bgr polling
a atring the needle woold fly np throni^ the hole ud ran
into the boy abont an inch. The gRweiy man had bean
laying for the boy abont two ditya, and now that ke had
got him ii(^t orer the hole the flnt time^ it made Vm lan^
to think how he would make him jnmp and ydl, and m he
edged ofT and got hold of the itring the boy looked, nn-
eonaeioai of impending danger. The grocery man pidlad,
and the boy aat atOL He pnlled again, and again, and
Anally the boy aaid:

"Tea, it ia reported that we had barman over there. 0,
yon needn't pnll that itring any more. I heard yon waa
letting a trap for me, an^ I pnt a piece of board indde ny
panti, and thonght I would let yon exereiae yonraelf . Go
ahead if it amnaea yon. It don't hurt me."

The grocery man looked sad, and then smiled a ueUy
aort of a amile, at the f ailnre of his plan to pnnctnie the
boy, and then he said, "Well, how waa itt The polieeman
didn't aeem to know much abont the partionlars. He said
there wu ao mnoh deviltry going on at yonr honae that
nobody oonld tell when anything waa aerions, and ha wm
inclined to think it waa a pat np Job."

"Now, let'a haTe an nnderatanding," saya &» bey.

rm'ButBwn.

' I mf, jtn •!• B0t to gir* nc kwigr. It'i • ■»,
h ttf I hav* iIwigfB Imii •fraid of 70D, baMOM yva hmt
t MMt of dtoarvd an look ■boot 70a. TonweUkaapMk
of potatow with tho bi( onw on top. • Mrt of ■ itrawbtny
bn, with tiM bottom railed up, to I haTO thoncbt yon
DonU to baak on a fallow. But if yon wont giva thii
awagr, hara goaa. Ton aaa, I haar Ma tall Pa to bring np
aaoOar bottia of liniment laat ni^t When Ma eorki her-
aalf, or haa • pain aojrwhare, ihe jnat naee liniment for all
Oat ii out, and a pint bottle don't laat more than a week.
Well, I told mj ahnm, and wa laid for Pa. Thia liniment
Ma naea ii offol hot, and almoat bliatera. Pa went to the
Langtty ahow, and did not get home till eleven o'elook, and
ma a^l mj ehnm dadded to taaeh Pa a laann. I dont
think it ia ri|M for a man to go to the theaten and not take
hia wife or hia littia hoy."

"So we eonelndad to borgle Pa. We agreed to lay on the
atiii^ and when he eame np my ehnm wa« to hit him on the
head with a dried bladder, and I waa to itab him on hia
^(M8t poeket with a atiek, and break the liniment bottle,
and make him think he waa killed.

"It eooldn't have worked better if we had rehearaed it
Wa had talked about bnrglan at sapper time, and got Pa
nenrona, ao when he eame np etaira and waa hit on the head
with flM bladder, the flrat tiling he said waa 'Barbara, by
mi|^,' and ha itarted to go back, and I hit him on the
braaat poeket, wh::i« the bottle was, and then we niihed by
him, down ataira, and I aaid in a stage whisper, 'I gness
ha'a a dead man,' and we went down cellar and np the
baA ataiis to my room and nndieaaed. Pa hollered to Ma
that ha waa mnrdan J, and Ma ealled me, and I eame down
in my nii^tt^hirt, and the hired girl oame down, and Pa
waa «■ tha Umnga, and ha aaid hia life-blood waa faat ebbing
cway. Ha hdd hia hand on tiie wound, and said he oould

mif Aim

Md ft to Itaff MUM tW into ft* WODBd, K^ « b« Md M

to prtoo nj 1^ to alto ay mataA. pwr, «d P, Mid,
ll7M7,tUitaiiotiiM<ortriffiii(. Tow pa ta «■ uilMl
■^ ^k* ^MM np •tain I mrt dz buflnL a^ i
•ttMtod thm, and fcrwd ftmr of flwm down, and wai

u* DwtMtttti ^m one of them itniek ma o»ir fta hMd
Witt a wowbar, and the otbor itabbad ma in the heart witt
atateherknife. I have reoeiTed mjr deett wound, my bor.
•nd my hot eonthern Wood, that I offerBd up 00 fMdy fte
mjr eowitiy in her time of need, ia pa«in« fran my body.

and eoon yom- Pa wiU be only a pieee of poor eUy. oit
•ome toe and pat on my etomaeh, and aU the w^> down, for
lamboMmgnp.' I went to the water pitehar and |ot a
shank of ioe and pot indde Pa's ehir^ ud wUle Ma was

tjMiag ap an old skirt to stop the flow of Mood, I askad Pa
tf ha fWt better, and if ha eonld deeeribe the TiUains who
had mnrdsred him. Pa (Mqwd and mored hta le^ to gat
ttw eeol from tte elottod blood, he said, and he wtort ao.
One of them was about rix foot U^ and had a san^
MnatMhe. I got him down and hit him «■ the nose, and if
ttepolioeflndhim,hisnoeew:Ulbebwke. The seeeond one
was thiek se^ and weighed about two hnndred. I had him
down and my boot was on his neck, and I was knooUnt two
more down when I was hit The ttiek set one will hava tte
mai* of boot heels on his throat TeUthe polloe when I'm
gone, about the boot heel maiks.'

"By this time Ua had got the skirt tore np and she staff-
ad it under Pa's shirt, ri^t where he said he wu hit, and
Fawas tellinK us what to do to settle his estate, when Ma
n to smell the liniment, and she found the btohan bet-

tfe ia Ua poAsl^ and searehed Pa fw

the plaae lAera hs

^lABIOr.

> to InA and ft Mt aad
mmdmliht 4ida*t MM* dwth-M mmm wm nak mi
•U^^ foaaf afliirt aadthaikttoidhimhawMBot
kvt; bat that h* had faUn on tha atoin and broka kta

IHl MMOM aOT Orv TBB OOUKna WITH Hn HAMD OLUim.

bottia, and that than waa no blood on bim, and be laid, 'do
ron ncaa to tall ma aqr body and l<«i an not bathad in
bunan fOMt' and than Pa got np and foond it waa cbIj
thaU^wit Ha fot mad and adnd Ma wbr aha didst
4r nasBd and jat aamatting to taha tkat liaiaMt off bM

THB OBOOCBT KAK IXD

I«gi, M it WM eating them ri^t Oaaa^ to the bone; aai
then he eaw my ehnm pat hia head in the door, with one
gallns hanging down, and Pa looked at me, and then he
■aid, 'liook-a-here, if I find oat it waa 70a boya that put np
thia job on me, 111 make it eo hot for yoa that yoo will
think liniment is iee cream in compariaon.' I told Pa it
didn't look reasonable that me and 1117 chum coald be aiz
bnrglara, six feet hig^, with oar noses broke, and boot-heel
marks on oar neek, and Pa, he said for ns to go fa; bed all-
flred qaick, and give him a chance to rinse off Uiat liniment,
and we retired. Sajr, how doea my Pa strike 70a as a good
single-handed liart" and the Ixqr went np to the eoonter,
while the grocery man went after a Seattle of coaL

In the mean time one of the grocery man's best onstomsis
— a deacon in the chnrch — had come in and sat down on the
counter over the darning needle, and aa the grocery man
came in with the eoal, the boy polled the string, and went
oat the door and tipped over a basket of ratabagaa, while
the deacon got down off the connter with his hands clasped,
and angrr in every featare, and told the groceiy man he
conld whip him in two minates. The groeery man aaked
what was the matter, and the deacon hanted ap the aonree
from whence the darning needle came throagh the ooanter,
and as the bey went across the street, the deaoon and tiie
grocery man were rolling on the floor, the grocery man try-
ing to hold the deacon's fists while he explained about the
darning needle, and that it was intended for the boy. How
it came oat the boy did not wait to see.

nnK%Bii>aor.

OHAPTBBIV.

Bia PA aoBrao.

"Si.T, euH I Mil yoa wme itook in a lilver minet" aik-
ed tiie bad boy of the groeoy man, aa lie eame in tlia atom
and pulled tram hk breaat poeket a doeament printed on
parchment paper, and repreaeuting leveral thonaand dol-
lar* atoek in a aUver mine.

"I«ok-a-here," aaid the groeeiy man, aa he tnmed pale,
and thoni^t of telq)honing to the police atation for a detee-
tiva, "yon haven't been atealing your father'! mining stock,
have jroat Great heavena, it haa come at laitl I have
known all the time that jron wonld tnm ont to be a bnrglar,
or a defaulter or robber of aome kind. Yonr fathrhaathe
rapntatfam of having a bonania in a silver mine, bat if yon
go Ingging hia ailver stoek aronnd he will soon be mined.
Now yon (0 ri^t back home and pnt that atoek in tout
Fa'a aafe, like a good boy."

"Pot it in the aafel 0, no, we keep it in a box stall now,
in the bam. I will trade Toor this thonsand doUars in
stock tor two heads of lettnoe, and get Pa to sign it over to
TOO, if yoa My ■<>. Pa UAA me I conld have tiie whole
tmnk fnll if I wanted it^ and the hired girla are nsing the
sUvar atoek to dean the windows, and kindle firea, and Pa
has qnit the ehnreh, and aagm he won't bel<mg to anj oon-
eera Oat barbora bilka. What'e a bilkt" said tiie b(qr aa
he opened a entdy jar and took oat foor stieks of hoar-
henadaHidj.

"A Wk," said the groeeir man, aa he watshed the boy,

*HB moamci uas and

"u • UOaw Hist playi a man for eandy, or niMM7, or hij-
tidng', and don't intend to retom an eqiiiTaleiit Ton are a
■mall died bilk. But what's the matter with yonr Pa and
the ofanroh, and what has the lilyer mine etoek got to do
with itt"

"Well, yon remember that ezhorter that was here last
fall, that need to board around with the chnreh people all
the week and talk about Zion and laying np treasores where
the moths wouldn't gnaw them, and they wouldn't get

AMii PA nan) to arrup niohtb to look at rr.

msiy, and where thieves wouldn't piy off the hinges. He
was the one that used tc go home with Ma from prayer
meetings, when Pa was down town, and who wanted to pay
off the ehursh debt in solid silver brioks. He's the bilk. I
guess if Pa should get him by the neok he would jerk nine
kinds of revealed religion out of him. O, Pa is hotter
than he was when the hornets took the lunoh off of him.
When you strike a pious man on the poekst-book it hurts
him. That fellow pr^ed and sang like an angel, and
boarded around like a tranqi. He stopped at oar honse

pick's bid bot.

•far • WMk, ud he had ipeemieiu of rock that were ehuek
fnll of nlver and gold, and he and Pa used to sit up night*
and look at it Ton oonld pick pieces of silver ont of the
roek as big as buck shot and he had some silver brioks that
were beantifnl. He had been cat in Colorado and f oond a
hill full of silver rock, and he wanted to form a stodk com-
pany and dig oat millions of dollars. He didn't want any-
body bot pions men that belonged to the church, in the
company, and I think that was one thing that janaed Pa to
unite with the church so s . idenly. I know he was as wick-
ed as could be a few days before he joined the church ; Int
this revivalist, with his words about the beautiful beyond
where all shall dwell together in peace and sing praiae<i;
and his description of that Colorada mountain where the
silver stnek out so you could hang your hat on it, converted
Pa. That man's scheme was to let all the church people
who were in good standing, and who had plenty of mon«y,
into the company, and when the mine begun to return
dividends by the car load, they could give largely to the
ohnreh and pay the debts of all the churches, and put down
caipata and fresoo the ceiling. The man said he felt that
ha had been steered on to that silver mine by a hi^ier
power, and his idea was to woil it for the gloiy of the
sanse. He said he liked Pa and would make him vice-
prendent of the company. Pa, he bit like a baas, and I
guess he invested five thousand dollars in stock, and Ha,
she wanted to come in, and she put in a thousand dollars
that she had laid up to buy some diamond ear-rings, and
the man gave Pa a lot of stock to sell to other member* of
the ohnreh. They all went into it, even the minister. Ha
drew his salary ahead, and all of the deacons they came
in, and the man went back to Oolorada with abont thirty
tfamsand dollsrs of good, pious money. Yesterday Pa got
a pafMr from Colorado, giving the whole snap away, and

TBB eaoami iuk ms

the piooi nun haa besn ipending tbe mauj in Danrcr, and
whooping it np. Pa inipeetad MmetUng waa mar^ two
weeka ago^ when he heard that the piooa man had been on a
toot in Chicago, and he wrote to a man in DeoTer, who wd
to get foil with Pa jean ago when th«7 were both on the
tnrf, and Pa 'a friend aaid the man that lold the stock was a
fraud, and that he didn't own no mine, and that he bor-
rowed the samples of ore and silver brieks from a pawn-
broker in Denver. I gneas it will break Pa np for a while,
though he is well enough fixed with mortgages and things ;
but it hurts him to be to(dc in. He lays it all to Ma-4e
says if she hadn't let that exhorter for the silver mine go
home with her this would not have occurred, and Ma sayi
she believes Pa was in partnership with the man to beat
her out of her thousand dollars that she was going to boy
a pair of diamond earrings with. 0, it is a terror over to
the house now. Both of the hired girls put in all the maatf
they had, and took stock and they threaten to sue Pa for
anon, and they are going to leave to-night, and Ma will
have to do the work. "Dont you never try to get rieh
qniek;" said the boy as he peeled a herring, and took a
oonple of eraeken.

"Never you mind me," said the grocery man, "they
dont eatch me on any of tiieir silver mines; but I hope tliis
will have some inflnenee on you and teaeh you to reqpeet
your Pa's feelings, and not play jokes on him whHe he is
feeling so bad over bis being swindled."

"0, I don't know about that, I think when a man is in
trouble^ if he haa a good little boy to take his mind from
his troubles, and get him mad at something else, it rests
him. I<a«t lagiA we had hot maple ^yrup and biscuit for
supper, and Pa had a saucer fell in front of *»™, just a
steaming. I eoold see he was thinking too much about his
mining stock, and I thou^t if there was anyfldng I •cidd

FBOK's bad 107.

da to taki hia mind off of it and place it on loniethin^ die,
I would be ioing a kindnen that wonld be appreciated. I
■at on the li^t of Pa, and when he wasn't looking I palled
the table eloth ao the aanoer of red hot maple lymp drop-
ped off in his lap. Well, you'd a dide to see how qnick hii
thoni^ tamed from his financial troubles to his phydcal
miafortnnes. There was aboat a pint of hot vyrup, and it
went all over his lap, and yon know how hot melted maple
sugar is, and how it sort of clings to anjrthing. Pa jumped
up and grabbed hold of his pants' legs to puii them away
from hi wel f, and he danced aroond and told Ma to tRm
the hose <m him, and then he took a pitcher of iee-wster and
poured it -'. -wn his pants, and he said the oondemnod old
table was getting so rieketty that a saucer wouldn't stay on
it, and I told Pa if he would put some tar on his legs, the
same kind that he told me to put on my lip to make my
mustache grow, the agrmp wouldn't bum so; and then be
enibd me, and I think he felt better. It is a great thing to
tet a man's mind off of his tror:bles, but where a man
hasn't got any mind like yon, for instance. — "

At this point the grocery man picked up a fire poker, and
the boy went out in a hurry and hung np a sign in front
of thegroeery:

CABB PAID
rOB FAT DOOB.

TBS GBOOBBT KiN IMD

OHAPTBB V.

mS PA AMD DTKAKm.

"I gnew your Pa'i loou in the sUvar mine have made
him erazy, havent thqrt" laid the groeery man to the bad
boy, as he eame into Ute itore with his eye-winkers singed
off, and powder marks on his laee, and began to play on the
harmonioa, as he sat down on the end of a stiok of store
wood, and balaneed himself.

"O, I gneis not He has hedged. He got in with a
deaeon of another ohnreh, and sold some of his stoek to
him, and Pa says if I will keep my oondemned month shnt
he will unload the whole of it, if the chnrohee hold ont. He
goes to a new ehnreh every nig^t there is prayer meeting or
anything, and makes Ma go with him to pve him tone, and
after meeting she talks with the sisters abont how to pieoe
a bed qnilt, while Pa gets in his work selling silver stoek.
I don't know bni he will order some more stock from the
factory, if he sells all he has got," and the boy went on
playing, "There's a land that is fairer than dtfy."

"Bnt what was be skipping np street for the other night
with his hat off, grabbing nt his coat tails as thonj^ they
were on flret I thoo^t I never saw a puny man run any
taster. And what was the celebration down on your street
about that timef I thongbt the world was coming to an
end," and the grocery man kept away from the boy, for
fear he would explode.

"O, that was only a Fmka scare. Nothing serioiB. Ton
see Pa is a sort of half Bn^ishman. He claims to be an

FKK'8 BAD BOr.

Anwri M D oitiMo iriien he wanti offle*^ but when thegr Ulk
■bout a draft he claims to be a nibjeet of Gnat Britain,
and he Hyi they can't tonch him. Pa ii a darned arart
man, and don t yon forget it. There don't any of them get
ahead of Pa much. WeU, Pa hai aaid a good deal abont the
wicked Feniani, and that they onght to be pulled, and all
that, and when I read the itory in the papers alMnt the
szplosion in the British Parliament, Pa was hot He said
the damnirish was mining the whole world. He didnt
dare to say it at the table, or our hired giri wonld have
knocked him silly with a spoonfol of mashed potatoes,
'canse she is a nirish girl, and she can lick any Englishman
in this town. Pa said there ought to have been somebody
there to have taken that bomb np and throwed it in the
sewer before it exploded. He said that if he should ever
see a bomb he wonld grab it right up and throw h awiy
where it wouldn't hnrt anybody. Pa has me read the pa-
pen to him nights, 'cause his eyes have got splinters in 'em,
and after I had read all there was in the paper, I made np
a lot more and pretended to read it, about how it was
rumored that the Fenians here in Milwaukee were going to
place dynamite bunbs at every house where an 1i!ne1i.lwny .^
lived, and at a given signal blow them all np. Pa looked
pale around the gills, but he said he wasn't seared.

"Pa and Ma were going to call on a she-deacon that
ni^t, that has lots of money in the bank, to see if she
didnt want to invest in a dead sure paying silver mine, and
me and my chum concluded to give them a send-off. We
got my big black injy rubber foot ball, and painted 'Diny-
might' in big white letters on it, and tied a piece of tarred
rope to it for a fuse, and got a big flre-cracker, one of
those old Fourth of July horse aearers, and a basket full
of broken glass. We put the foot baU in front of the step
and lit the tarred rope and got under the step with the

'> TRB (MOCnT UAH AMD

*f<nAm and bMkrt, whan fha^ go down into the JbM*.
mMtt Pa and Ifa eama ont of the front door, and down
tha atepi, and Pa aaw the foot ball and the biuninc fnaa,
and he laid 'Great God, Banner, we are Mowed npl' and
ha itarted to nu., and Ma aha (topped to look at h. Joatat
Pa atarted to nin I tonehed off the flre-eraoker, and my
ehnm arranged it to poor ont the broken ^aaa on the briek
pavement jnrt aa the fire-eraeker went off. Well, evarj-
thing went jnrt aa we expected, exoept Ma. She had ex-
amined the foot ball and oondnded it waa not dangenraa,
and waa jnat giving it a kick aa the flre^raekar want off,
and the glaaa fell, and the flre-eraeker waa ao near her that
it acared her, and when Pa looked aronnd Ma wm il/ing
aeroaa the iddewalk. and Pa heard the noiae he thought the
honee wai blown to atoms. 0, you'd a dide to see him go
aionnd the ooraer. Ton oonld play orokay on hia eoat-tail,
and his faee was as pale as Ma's when she goes to a party.
But Ma didn't scare mneh. As qniek aa ahe atopped
against the hitching post ahe knew it waa ns boys, and she
eame down there, and maybe she didnt manl me. I cried
and tried to gain her ifympathy hy telling her the Are-
oraoker went off before it waa due, and bnmed my eye-
brows off, but she a»dnt let np until I promised to go and
iind Pa.

'^I teU yon, my Ma ou^t to be engaged hy the Britiah
goremment to hnnt ont the dynamite flends. She wonld
corral them in two minutes. If Pa had as much sand aa Ma
haa got, it would be warm weather for me. Well, me and
my chum went and headed Pa off or I gneaa he wonld be
miming yet. We got him up by the lake shore, and he
wanted to know if the house fell down. He said he would
leave it to me if he ever said anything against the IVnians,
and I «eld him that he had always claimed that the Fenians
wwe tiie nicest men in the worid, and it seemed to relieve

noK's BAD aor. ss

•la wjr miuh. Wkan ha fot home and loimd the honn
thne be wae tiekled, and whan Ha eaUed him an old bald-
headed eoward, and aaid it wae only a joke of the \>oy» with
a toot ball he langhed right out, and «aid he knew it aU the
time,andherantOiaeif Mawooldbeacand. Andthenhe
wanted to hng me, bat it waint my night to hog and I went
down to the theatra. Pa don't amonnt to mneh when there
ia tronble. Thi time Ma had them orampa, yon remember,
when yon got yonr enenmben flnt laat auaon. Pa eame
near fainting away, and Ma laid ever linee they had been
married when anything ailed her. Pa has had paina jnat the
■ame aa ihe haa, only he granted more, and thoo^t he waf
going to die. Ooah, if I was a man I wouldn't be sick eyeiy
time one of the nei{^boni had a baek aohe, would yonf"

"WeU you ean't tell. When you have been married
twcniy or thirty yeara yon wiU know a good deal more than
you do now. You think you know it all, now, and yon are
pretty intelligent for a boy that haa been brought up oare-
laeely, but there are thingi that you will learn after a while
that will aatoniah you. But what aila your Pa'e toethi
Tha hired girl wae over her to get aome com meal for gruel,
and ahe kud your Pa wai gamming it, aince he loat hia

"0, ^ibout the teeth. That waa too bad. You aee my
ahum haa got a dog that is old, and his teeth have all eome
out in front, and this morning I borried Pa's teeth before
he got op, to see if we couldn't fix them in the dog's mouth
so he oonld eat better. Pa says it is an evidence of a kind
heart for a boy to be good to dumb animals, but it ia a
darned mean dog that wiU go back on a friend. We tied
tte teeth in the dog's mouth with a string that went around
hia upper jaw, and another around his under jaw, and
m'd a dide to see how funny he looked when he I'affed
He lo(Aad jost like Pa whan he tried to smile so as to get

^ *■■ oaooHrr luir mm

ine to soma up to hia » k, em Uflk me. The dog pawed
U» month • epeU to get the toeth out, wd then wt iw.
hto • bone with eome meit on, and he begu to gnaw the
bone, and the teeth oame off the plate, and he thon^ h
wae pieeei of the bone^ and he nrallowed the teeth, lb
ohui notieed tttot,andheMidwehadgottogetfaioqr
wort pretty qniok to lave the platea and I thi.,t we ware
in huk to aave them. I held the dog, and my dmm. who
i«« better acquainted with him, nnti«d the etringi and got
aie gold platoa out, but there were only two toeth left, and
the dog WM happy. He woggled hi. t«l for moi« toeth,
but we hadn't any more. I am going to give him Ma '• toeth
•ome day. My chum .^y. when a dog geto «i appetite for
•nything yon have got to keep giving it to him or he goM
baA on you But I think my ehnm played dirt on me. We
•old the gold platea to a jewelry man. and my ehnm kept
themon^. I tbink, a. long ., I fnmirfied the goodi he
ought to have given me lomething bedde. the eiperience.

bet AU flu. tune the boy wa. maiUng on a pieee of
P«per, and «)on after he went out the gioeery man notieed
• erowd outnde, and on going out he found a eign hancinc
up wbieh read: — «ui«

WOBMT P108
rOB PABTIXS.

'u BAOwr.

OHAPTBBVL

■a PA AN cmAinmnjM.

"Jtay, wUl yon do me • &TOrf " aakid th* bad boy of the
gtoeery man, aa he lat down on the Kwp bos and pnt Ui
wet booti on the ftore.

"Wdl. y.^" nid the groeery nun hentatin^, with •
fMinc that he WM liable to be told. "If yon will help me
eateh the villain who hangi np thoae diarepntabU ligna in
front of my itore, I will Whatiaitf"

"I want yon to liek thia stamp and pnt it on thia latter
It ia to my girl, and I want to fool her," and the bqy hand^
*d OTBT the letter, and atamp, and while the groeery man
wu UeUng it and putting it on, the bey filed hn poeketa
with dried peaehea ont of a box.

"There, that'a a amaU job," aaid the grocery man. aa he
prtaaad the atamp on the letter with hia thnmb and handed
it baek. "But how are yon going to fool herl"

"That'a jnat buaineaa," aaid the b<»y. aa he held the letter
tohianoeeandamelledoftheatamp. "That wiU make her
tired. Yon aee, every time the gets a letter from me ahe
I thia atamp, becauae ahe thinfct I Ucked it When the
"^ ■*«>»?. «id Beta the fnmea of plug tobaeoo, and
aUle beer, and limberg eheeae, and mouldy potetoea, it will
knock her down, and then ahe will aak me what aUed the
■tanv. and I WiU tell her I got yon to lick it, and then it
Will make her tick, and her parentt will ttop tnrfiug here
0,JtwiUparaly«eher. Do you know, yon tmell like a ^.

DMt

MAM un

fMlM7. Qflih, I MB mall jgg ^ „^ ^ rttn.

Toa ndl aajthiiig that nMlto •poil.df"
Th« groeair man thoo^t ^m did anaU aamatUiig tkat

U«WI the iM^r'a boot off th. atow and aald, "Ifa^
boot boninff. Gradoni, open tha doorl It amaUa lika a
hotbosonaflabooaa. mewl And there eomea a eoQple
ofmybeatiadyenatomew." Tha ladlea eaaa to and bald
their handketehieft to their noaea, and while thar ware
tradtog the bojr eaid, u thorn* ooattonint the eonwraatlon.
. Tee, Pa eaja that laet olemargarine I got here ie noth-
«ng bnt axle greaee. Why don t jon put yonr axle greaee
«adahr«.tkfadofapaeka,.f The only way r«e«
tdl a^e greaae from olemargarine ia to apieadiiw it on
PMwk* Pa lay. axU giaaar will ^wead. but your al-
IHWI butter jnet rolla ri^ up and aeta lihe Up aalvai or
etotmant,andiaonly«ttonaeonaaoi»-"

At thi. potot the ladle, went out of the ataw to di-uat.
wMwnt bDjing«vtldBg. and the g«e«y man tooklSd

«HMah by the ua and w«it up to th. boy and took htoi by
theneek. "(Wblaet you, I hay. a notion to kill you. Tw
baTo driTan away more euatom from thia atoie than yoor

n^r^ ^"^ y* «Jt." ««>>«• itnwk the b,y a«^
the baak rith the eodHah. ^^

"That'a juit the way with you all," aay. the boy, M he
put hi. de.T« up to hia ^ and pretended to eiy. ";h^ a

Wtowi. up fa the world, there i. nothtog too good for hte.
tat when he geU down, you maul him with a eodflah. Stoee
Pa drove me out of the honae, and told me to go diirfc for

mjr lining, I haren't h«l a kmd word from aiH*ody 1^
dium'a dog won't eran foUow me, and when a Mlow ml

r'J"Z-'^7° *»«««<loggoeabaokonhto,thar.i. ..tUv

^^„5^ *• ^ '~* *" '^ ""^ ••"*«'•- *-•
jury, and I am too yooog to ait on a jury, thon^ I kMw

raox's BAD aoT.

■• of th« dMd bMti that Uqr MODiid tha aowt
to lit on • iuiy. I am goinff to drown mjrMlf, tad aa
dMtli wffl bo Uid to TOO. Tlwrr wiU And eridencao of ood-
flib on nj olotUnc, ud }ron will b« arrwtad for irMag
BM to • middo'f grkT*. Oood%e. I forgive «m." and
tht box itartod for tho door.

THB POUOUIAM TOLD PA TO GO HOlU AND LOOK HIM8BJ' W

HoM on here," layi the grocery man, feeling that he
h«d bwn too baiBh. "Come back here, and have some
'oapU incur. What did your Pa drive you away from
■•■M farf"

"0, H waa on aeeonnt of St Patriek'a Day," laid tha bad

■" THE OROOERT HAN AND

boy M he bit off lulf a pound of maple tagu, and dried hia
toMB. "Ton we. Pa never eeee Ma buy a new dlk handker-
oluef, but he wants H. T'other day Ma got one of th«M
orange-colored hnadkerchiefs, and Pa immediately had a
«o« throat and wanted to wear it, and Ma let him put it on.
I thought I would break him of taking ereiything nioe that
Ma got, so when he went down town with the orange hand-
kaektet on hi. neck, I told lome of the St Patrick boy. in
the Third ward, who had green ribbona on, that the old
duifer that was putting on style was an orange-man and he
said he could whip any St. Patrick's Day man in town.
The feUers laid for Pa, and when he came along one of them
threw a barrel at Pa, and another pulled the yeUow hand-
kerchief off his neck, and they aU yeUed 'hang him,' and
one grabbed a rope that was on the sidewalk where they
were movmg a buUding, and Pa got up and dusted. You'd
a dide to see Pa run. He met a policeman and said more'n
a hundred men had tried to murder him, and thw had
mauled him, and stolen his yeUow handkerchief. The
policeman told Pa his life was not safe, and he better go
home and look himself in, and he did, and I was telling Ma
about how I got the boys to scare Pa, and he heard it. and
he told me that settled it He said I had caused him to
run more foot races than any champion pedeatrian, and
had made his life unbearable, and now I must go it alone
Now I want yon to send a couple of pounds of crackers
over to the house, and have your boy teU the hii«d girl that
I have gone down to the river to drown myself, and she

Z^ *1? ^y. "f^'' '^^ **" ^•' ""^ P"*^ •«>" 7^ wiU
see a bald headed puagy man whooping it up toward the
nver with a rope. They may think at times that I am a
Uttle tough, but when it eomee to parting forerw. thtr
weaken." ' ^

"WeU, the teacher at school says yon are a hardened in-

nOK'S BAD BOT. 29

iU," Mid th* ■ro*a7 man, u he ohargad the oraoken tr
*«W«P*- " He M7« he had to tarn yon out to keep TOO
faoni nuninx the morala of the other Mbo's^t> Ssw warn
that!"

"It WM abont ipeakuig a pieoe. W en I asked tun
what I ihoold ipe^ he told me to learn co.-n'! npeeeh of
wme great man, some lawyer or itateonan, so I learned
one of Bob IngerMU's qMeehes. WeU yon'd a dide to see
the teaeher and the school committee, when I started in on
Bob IncerK>U'8 lecture, the one that was in the paper
when Bob was here. Ton see I thooght if a newspaper
that aU the pions folks takes in their families, could pub-
lish Ingersoll's speech, it wouldn't do any hurt for a poor
little Uj who ain't knee hifh to a giraffe, to speak it in
sohool, bat thjy made me dry up. The teaeher is a re-
publican, and when Ingersoll was speaking around here on
politiz, the time of the elaetion, the teacher said Bob was
the smaitast man this eouBtiy ever produced. I heard him
say that in a eorcus, when he went bumming around the
ward ssttin 'em up nights specting to be superintendent of
schools. He said Bob luRersoll just took the cake, and I
think it was damed mean in him to go back on Bob and me
too, jnrt eanae there was no lection. The sehool committee
made the teacher stop me, and they asked me if I didn't
know any other piece to speak, and I told them I knew one
of Beeeher's, and th«y let me go ahead, but it was one of
Beechar's new ones where he said he didn't believe in any
hell, and afore I got warmed up they said that was enough
•f that, and I had to wind up on "Mary had a LitUe
Umh." Ncae of them didnt kick on Mary's Lamb and I
went thttni^ it, and th«y let me go home. That's aboat
the satat thing mioytma speaa in sehool now-dayi, either
Maiy had a UtOe Umh," n "TwinUs^ Twinkle Little
8t»." That's don* sp to the average intelleok of the

aw Tim oaooVT lux ms

eommittee. But if a bay tries to bruMh oat u a atatcman.
thqr ehoke Um pfl. Well, I am going down to tlie rivar,
and I will leave my coat and hat hy the wood yaid, and gtt
behind the wood, and yon steer Pa down then and yon will
see some tall weeping over them clothes, and maybe Pa will
jnmp in after me, and then I will eome out from behind the
wood and Ihrow in a board for him to swim ashore oa.
Good-bye. Give my pocket oomb to my chnm," and the boy
went out and hung np a sign in front of the grocery as fol-
lowa:

POP CORN THAT THE OAT HAS SLXPT

IN, CHEAP FOB

POP com BALLS FOB SOCIABLES.

raOKl) BID BOT.

CHAPTEB VII.

BIB MA DIOKim BIM.

"Give me ten cento worth of saflnm, quick," said the bod
boy to the grocery man, as he came in the grocery on a
gaUop, early one morning, with no coUar on and no vest
He looked as thonj* he had been routed out of bed in a
tarry and had jumped into his panto and booto, and put on
hu coat and hat on the run.

'■I don't keep saffron," said the groeeiy man as ho
p«*ed up a barrel of ai-handles the boy had tipped over
m bis hnny. "Tou want to go over to the drug store on
the eomer, if yon want saffron. But what on earth is the

At ftM point the boy shot out of the door, tipping over
• basket of white beans, and disappearing in the drug store.
■^ groeery man got down on his knees on the sidewalk
and asooped up the beans, oecasionally looking over to the
drug (tore, and just as he got them picked up, the boy came
out of the drug store and walked deliberately towards his
home as though there was no particular hurry. The grooeiy
man looked after him, took up an ax-handle, spit on his
hmds, and ahonted to the boy to come over pretty soon, as
b» wanted to talk with him. The boy did not come to the
Vomr, m towards ni^t; tat the groeeiy man had seo.
"" f™""* <lown town a dosen times during the day and
OBsa he lode np to the house with the doetor, and the gio.
«r snnirised whrt was the trouble. Along towaitb nigkt

TBB OBOOaBT MIM AMD

tka hoy flUM in in • d«j«et«d lort of • tiiad way, Mt down
oa • barrel of tagu, and new ipoke.

"'Wliat ia it, a bojr or girlt" laid the grocery man, wink-
ing at an old lady with a ihawl orer her head, who was
trying to hold a paper over a piteher of yeaat with her
thnmb.

"How in blaze* did yon knoiw anything abont 0,1" laid
the boy, aa he looked anrand in aitoniahment, and with
aome indignation. ' ' Well, it '■ a girl, if you mnat know, and
that's enonj^" and he looked do\m at the cait playing on
the floor with a potato, his face a pictare of dejeetion.

"0, don't leel bad abont it," said the grocery man, as he
opened the door for the old lady. "Such things are bonnd
to oeeor ; bnt yoo take my word for it, that yonng one is go-
' ing to have a hard life nnless yon mend yoor ways. Yon
will be nsing it for a cork to a jng, or to wad a gnn with,
the lint thing yonr Ma knows."

"I wouldn't toneh the dam thing with the tongs," said
the boy as he rallied enon^ to eat some oraekers and
aheaae "Goah, this clieeae tastes good. I haint had noth-
ing to eat since morning. I have been Ul over this town
troIUng for nnrsee. They think a boy hasn't got any feel-
ings Bnt I wouldn't eare a goldam, if Ma hadnt been
sending me for nenralgia medioine and hay fever staff all
winter, when dke wanted to get -.-id of me. I have come into
the room lots of times when Ma and the sewing girl were at
woA on some flannel things, and Ma woold hide them in a
baaket and send me off after medicine. I was deneived np
to abont four o'eloek this morning, when Pa come to my
room and polled nw out of bed to go over on the West
Bide after aome tHi woman tiurt knew Ma, and they have
kept me whiytping ever sinM. What does a boy want of a
airter, unless it is a big sister. I dont want no sister that 1
have got to hold, and rook, and hold a bottle for. Thto

nOS's BAD BOT.

iftdp br^ ». .U „p... «,d th« boy picked th« di^m oat
of hu teeth with a ahver he cut from the counter.

"Well, how doM your Pa take itf aaked the noceiy
mM, aa he charged the boy'i Pa with cheeee, and laffnn
and a number of luoh things.

"O, Pa wiU pull through. He wanted to boa* the whole
eoneern until Ma', chum, an old woman that takee ennlf
flredhm out into the haU. Pa «t there on my handaled. ^
perfect picture of deepair, and X thought it would be a
bodneea to play it on him. I found the oat aileep in the
brthroom and 1 roUed the cat up in a duwl and brought
It out to Pa and told him the nurw wanted him to holdft.
baby. It tsemed to do Pa good to feel that he wa. indi.-
peniable around the honee, and he took the cat on hia Up

w J|"t!!^." ^°° *'*' "" ' "«>*»'«• Iwld her infant '
Wd; I got in the back haU. where he couldn't me me. and
pretty ioon the eat began to wake up and eti«toh himwOf
!!Ilf/f . .. t''-''-*°°tV. 80 to sleep now. «id let ita P^
h^ It, uid Pa he rocked back and forth on the hand-
tied ud began to sing 'by, low, baby.' That setUed it

and the more the cat wanted to get out of the dil«j, the
iMrter Pa sung, and bimeby I heard something rip, and Pa
. •«*. yon brute,' and when 1 looked around the cor-
ner of the hall the cat was bracing hissetf against Pa's veit
wift his toe nails, and yowling, and Pa fell over the sled
Md began to talk about the hereafter like the minister doe.
wtai he geto excited in church, and then P. picked up the
ded, and se«med to be looking for me or the cat, but both
of us was offul scarce. Don't you think there « time,
when boy. and cats are kind of few around their aeeu^
tom^ haunts! Pa d«.'t look a. though he wa. «r, ^
brt he ean hold a cat about as weU as the next mim. Brt
I«a«,ny&rMa. She was just getting re«Jy to goto

THK OaOOntT UXH AMD

Florida for her nenndgia, and thia will pnt • ttop to it,
eauaa ihe haa to itar and take eate of that young one. Pa
■ajri I will have a nice time thia lammer pushing the bahy
wagon. By the great horn ipooni, there has got to be a
dividing line aomewhere between baaineaa and pleanire,
and I itrike the line at wheeling a bal^. I had rather
oateh a string of peroh than to wheel all the babies ever
was. Thfljr needn't pnxmre no baby on my aoeonnt, if it is
to amuse me. I dont see why babies can't be sawed oil
onto people that need them in their bnsineas. Onr folks
dont need a baby any more than yon need a safe, and there
are people jnst suffering for babies. Say, how wonld it be
to take the b>iby some nigbt and leave it on some old
baehelor's door-stop f If it had been a bicycle, or a breeoh-
loading shotgnn, I.woaldn't have oared, but a baby I Bah I
It makes me tired. I'd rather have a prise package. Well,
I am sorry Pa allowed me to come home after he drove me
away last week. I gneas all he wanted me to come back
for was to homiliate me, and send me on errands. Well, I
mnst go and see if he and the eat have made up."

And the boy went ont and put a paper sign in front of
the atora:

LEAVB TOUR MBASUBS FOB
8AFPB0N TBA.

naxli Bis Bor.

CHAPTBE Vin.

VBX BABY AlfD THB OOAT.

"Well, how i. the babyt" wked the grocery man of the
bad b<^ «a he came into the grocery smelling very

howey and ut down on the chair with the back gone,
and looked very tired.

"0, darn the baby. Everybody asks me about the baby
a. though jt was mine. I don't pay no attention to the
dam thing, except to notice the fooliahnei. going on around
the houae. Say, I guess that baby will grow up to be a fire
^gme. The nurse coupled the baby onto a section of rub-
ber hose that runs down into a botUe of milk, and it benn
to get up steam, and pretty soon the milk began todis-
appear just like the wator does when a fire engine couples
on tea hydrant Pa calls the baby 'Old Number Two ' I
am Number One,' and if Pa had a hook and ladder truck
and a hose cart, and a fire gong he would imagine he was
chief engmeer of the fire department. But the baby kicks

fl^ ^'^ °^' "^ ^°^^ ^^ a dog that's got
lost. The doctor told Pa the best thing he could do was to
g«t a goat but Pa said since we 'nidiiated him into the
M^ns with tl« goat he wouldn't have a goat around nohow.
The doc^ told Pa the other kind of a goat. I think it was a
Samantha goat he said, wouldn't kick with its head, and
Pa «mt me up wto the Polack settlement to see if I coiUdn't
boiTow a milk gv>at for a few weeks. I got a woman to lend
« her goat tiU the baby got big enough to chew beef, foTa
dollar . week, and paid a doll«- in advwice, and Pa went up

TBI OBOOBBT MAN AMD

in the tveaine to hdp m* frt the goat Wdl, H was the
darndeat murtske yon erer im Then wm two goati lo
near alike yon eoold not tell whieh waa the goat we leaaed,
and the other goat waa the^ohnm of our goat, bat it be-
longed to an Irish woman. We got a bed oord hitched
anrand the Irish goat, and that goat didn't reoogniie the
lease, and when we tried to jerk it along it rared right up,
and made things real quick for Pa. I don't know what
there is about a goat that makes it so q>iink}r, bat that goat
seemed to have a grudge aftainst Pa from the flnt If
there were any places on Pa'« manly fewm that the goat did
not explore, with his head, Pa don't know where the plaoei)
are. O, it lammed him, and when I laifed Pa got mad. 1
told him every man ought to famish his own goats, lAen
he had a baby, and,I let go the rope aid started off, and Pa
said he knew how it was, I wanted him to get killed. It
wasn't that, but I saw the Irish woman ^t owned the goat
ooming around the comer of the honse with a oistera pole.
Just as Pa was getting the goat out of the gate the goat got
orossways of the gate, and Pa yanked, and doubled the goat
right up, and I thought he had broke the goat's neck, and
the woman thought so too, for she jabMd Pa with the cis-
tern pole just below the belt, and she tried to get a hold on
Pa's hair, but he had her there. No woman can get the
advantage of Pa that way, cause Ma has tried it. Well, Pa
explained it to the woman, and she let Pa off if he would
pay her two dollars for damages to her goat, and he paid it,
and then we took the nanny goat, and it went ri^t along
with us. But I have my opinion of a baby that will drink
goat's milk. Qosh, it is like this staff that eomes in a
spoiled cocoanut The baby han't done anything but blat
siaee the nurse coupled it onto the gnat hydrant I had to
take all my playthings out of the bssement to keep the goat
from eating them. I guess the milk will taste of powdar

"ck'b bad bot.

■nd rfn«.d h.» BOW. Th, goat got to ea-ng wme Bonun
Tf^ "!,fv '^'^^^ Wd awajr m the coal bin
«d ehawed them around the furnace, and the powd«
l«^ed out and a coal fell out of the fa.^.ce on the Wh
«d yoa'd a did. to ». P. and the hired girl and the ^1'
iTJTJl,'^^ °^* '"'*^« ^"t « "•"'' ""K"". a-d he

£ SL^iTk *" """"^ ?* ^'*' '^'^ *^^ '*" J-^ "»"*•
mg wound aw baaement for th. goat with a tin cup, when

S frts^r* "*• ^•"' *"" '« »«^ <" «^^°. "^

r^ and blue Ae. and .piUed powder blazed up. and the
goat jurt looked aatoniriwd, and looked on aa though it was

^■^r* *r^ "^' ""^ 'PO''^' ""t when'iti ha^
P^d il.^TJ?"'-'^!'^"' "" "~'* "'I "^"t between

hi^^^ ' '"" ' ""^ '^"'" '°*° t"" <=<"«' "in, and the

1 h^ ttetlir^''.""" '"-^ <"'^'^'* "^^ •* down.
D«r^n^ i!^*"° ""^ "»* -Jo^ «d took Pa by the
w™M ""^ ^ ""* "' '^ <""J ' "- «"d he said he
would «OTender and plead guilty of being the biggeet f J

l?^:^1r- I "^^ *^ '^'"^« wood o« ^ti^
gM, "d then «hj^ mad, and said she would milk^

g^tordie. O.tU girl ha. got sand. She used to woA
ma gto. factory. Well, rir, it was a sight worth tv^S
SiSf^^ to «. that hired girl get up on a step ladder
t^yTf '^^' *"* '^'^' ^a P» "tting on
^i^«^ '^*°*'''"'*«*^*^*- Tl^y are going to fix
LS!^^**'«**^«°»*"''>^«ffthefum«e 1^

ofpowd* andbunrt hair, the milk was too warm oT^
m^^r ^•'"«80t to grow a new lot of h^
WttBobldgort. Wdl. they can run the baby «.dg^

TBI auoamer ium im

to MiH thMBMlTM, 'eniM I hsT* mi.';Md. I Iwt* gen*
into bwiiiMi. Don't joa imall anTtUne that wonld lead
yoD to larmiM that I had gone into boiineMt No drag
■ton thii time," and the ixsy got np and pot hii thnmbi
in the armholea of his veat, and looked proud.

"O, I dont know m I imell anjthing except the faint
odor of a hone blanket What yon vone into anjrwayt"
and the grocery man put the wrapping paper nnder the
counter, and pnt the red chalk in hia pocket, lo the boy
oonldn't write any eign to hang up ontride.

' ' Yon hit it the flnt time. I haye accepted a eitnation of
teller in a liveiy atable," said the boy, aa he searehed
aronnd for the bami of out ingar, whieh had been re-
moved.

"Teller in a liveiy stable! Well, timt is a new one on
me. What is a teller in a liTeiy ■Utbl':?'' and the grooeiy
man looked pleased, and pointed the bqy to a baml of
seven cent sugar.

"Don't yon know what a teller is in a liveiy stablef It
is the same as teller in a bank. I have to grease the har-
ness, oil the bnggies, and cony off the horses, and when a
man comes in to hin a horae I have to go down to the saloon
and tell the liveiy man. That's what a teller is. I like the
teller part of it; bnt greasing hanyss is a little too rich for
my blood, bat tiie liveiy man says if I stick to it I will be
governor some day, 'cause most all the great men have
begnn life taking can of horses. It all depends on my girl
whether I stick or not If she likes the smell of horses I
shall be a statesman, bat it she objects to it and sticks np
her nose, I shall not yearn to be governor, at the expense
of my girL It beats all, dont it, that wimmJn settle every
great fosation. Evwybody does eveiything to please wim-
min, and if fhey Uek on anything that settles it But I
most go and ampin that game between Pa and the hired

rmx'a bid bot. 8|

>iri and tha ffMt 817, oant 700 «oiim otw and Mt th*
twiqrt Taint biow than a maU ladMl," and the bo/
waited till the groeofy man went to draw aome vinegar,
when he clipped oat and put up a lign written on a shinde
with white chalk:

YELLOW BAND WANTED

roB

MAPLE 8U0AB.

TRB OtOOBtT MAN AND

CHAPTER IX.

A FUMBBAl, PMOnaiON.

"W*U, gTMt Jalioa CaeMir'i btld-hMded c^uMt, whmt'i
the mstter with yont" laici the grocery man to the bad boy,
ai he oame into the grocery on emtohea, with one arm in a
•line, one aye blackened, and a itrip of oonrt plaater aoroia
hia face. "Where waa the exploaion, or have yon been in a
flgfat, or has yonr Pa been giving yon what yon deaerre,
with a dnbt Here, let me help yon; there, sit down on
that keg of apple-jack. Well, by the great gnni, yon look
' as thon^ yon had called somebody a liar. What's the
matter!" and the grocery man took the emtehea and stood
them np against the showcase.

"0, there's not mnch the matter with me," said the boy
in a voice that sounded all broke np, as he took a big apple
off a basket and began peeling it with his opper front teeth,
"If you think I'm a wreck, yon ought to see the minister;
they had to carry him home in installments, the way they
buy sewing machines. I am all right, but they have got to
stop him up with oakum and tar, before he will hold water
again."

"Good graeious, yon have not had a flgjit with the min-
ister, have yont Well, I have said all the time, and I stiek
to it, that yon would commit a crime yet, and go to state's
prison. What waa the fuss abontt" and the grocery man
laid the hatchet ont of the boy's reach for fear he mold
get excited and kill him.

'0, it wu no fnas, it was in the way of

Tot

nox's BAD MT.

tm tht Uvmy nmn that I wm working for promoted m«.
Ho lot mo driro a horM to h«nl Mwdut for bedding flnt,
•nd whm he fonnd I wM.roal oarefnl ho lot me driTo an
oiprMi wagon to hanl tronki. Day before yeoterdajr, I
tUnk it waa— yea, I wm in bed all day yeatorday— day be-
fore yeaterday there waa a foneral, and oar stable fnr-
niahed the oatSt It waa only a oommon, eleren dollar fun-
eral, io they let me go to drive the horee for the miniiter^
yon know, the boggy that goes ahead of the heane. They
gave me an old horse that is thirty years old, that has not
been off a walk sinoe nin« years ago, and they told me to
giro him a loose rein, and he would go along all right It's
the same old hone that used to pace so fast on the avenue,
years ago, but I didn't know it. Well, I wasn't to blame.
I just let him walk along as thou^ he was hauling sawdust
and gave him a loose rein. When we got off the pavement,
the fellow that drives the hearse, he was in a hurry, 'cause
his folka waa going to have ducks for dinner, and he wanted
to get baek, ao he kept driving alongside of my buggy, and
telling me to huny up. I wouldn't do it 'cause the livery
man told me to walk the horse. Then the minister, he got
nervous, and said he didn't know as there was any use of
going so slow, because he wanted to get back in time to get
his lunch and go to a minister's meeting in the afternoon,
but I told him we would all get to the cemetery soon enough
if we tock it eool, and as for me I wasnt in no sweat Then
one of the drivers that was driving the moamers, he came
up and said he had to get back in time to run a wedding
down to the one o'clock train, and for me to pull out a lit-
tle. I have seen enon^ of disobeying orders, and I told
him a foneral in the hand was worth two weddings in the
bush, and, as far as I was concerned, this funeral was going
to be conducted in a decorous manner, if we didnt get back

TBI OBOOIBT ItUr AXO

till the next daj. WeU, the minuter wid, in hii regnlar
Sunday echool way, 'My little man, let me take bold of the
lines,' and like a damed fool I grave them to him. He
slapped the old horse on the crupper with the lines, and
then jerked up, and the old horse stuck up hia ofT ear, and
then the hearse driver told the minister to pull hard and
saw on the bit a little, and the old horse would wake up.
The hearse driver used to drive the old pacer on the track,
and he knew what he wanted. The minister took off hia
black kid gloves and put his umbrella down between na,
and pulled his hat down tight on hia head, and began to .
pull and saw on the bit. The old cripple began to move
along sort of sideways, like a hog going to war, and the
minister pulled some m6re, and the hearse driver, who was
behind, he said, so you could hear him clear to Wankeaha,
'^e-e-up,' and the old horse kept going faster; then the
miniater thonght the proeession was getting too qniek, and
he pulled harder, and yelled 'who-a,' and that made the
old horse worse, and I looked through the Uttle window in
the buggy top, behind, and the heuie was about two Ueeki
behind, and the driver was laughing, and the minister he
got pale and said, 'my little man, I gueas you'd bsttjr
drive,' and I said, 'Not much, Maiy Ann; yon wouldn't let
me run this funeral the way I wanted to, and now you can
boaa it, if you will let me get out,' but there was a street
car ahead, and all of a sudden there was an earthquake,
and when I come to there were about six hundred people
pouring water down my neck, and the hearse was hitehed
to the fence, and the hearse driver waa asking if my leg
was broke, and a policeman waa fanning the minister with
a plug hat that looked as though it had been atmck by a
pile driver, and some people were hauling onr buggy into
the gutter, and some men were trying to take old pacer ont

raoK'a un bot.

of the window! of the street oar, and then I gneH I fainted
away again. O, it waa wwse than telemoping a train
loaded with cattle."

"Well, I Bwan," said the grocery man aa he put iome
^ in a funnel shaped brown paper for a servant girl
"What did the minister say when he come tof "

"Sayl What could he say f He just yelled 'whoa,' and
kept sawing with his hands, as though he was driving. I
heard that the police." an waa going to pull him for fast
driving, till he found it was an accident. They told me,
when they carried me home in a hack, that it waa a wonde^
everybody was not killed, and when I got home Pa was
going to saas me, until the hearse driver told him it was
the minister that waa to blame. I want to find out if they
got the minister's umbreUa back. The last I see of it the
umbrella was running up his trouser's leg, and the point
came out by the smaU of his back. But I am all right,
only my shoulder sprained, and my legs bruised, and my
eye Mack. I will be aU right, and shdl go to work to-
morrow, 'osuae the livery man says I was the only one in
the crowd that had any sense. I understand the minister
is going to take a vacation on account of hia liver and
nervous proatration. I would if I was him. I never saw a
man that had nervous prostration any more than he did
when they flahed him out of the barbed wire fence after
we struck the street car. But that settles the minkter busi-
ness with me. I don't drive for no more preachers. What
I want is a quiet party that wants to go on a walk," and
the boy got up and hopped on one foot toward his cmtehes,
filing his pistol pocket with flga aa he iiobbled along.

"Well, air," said the grocery man, aa he took a chew of
tobacco out of a pail, and offered aome to the b<7, knowing
ttat was the only thing in the store the boy wonld'not take,
"Do you know I think some of these minhtan hare aboat

THI OaOOnT MAK iin>

M little MDM on woridly nutttera as anybodyt Now, the
idea of that man jerking on an old paoer. It dont make
any diitennce if the paeer wai a hnndred yean old, he
would paee it he waa jerked on."

"Ton bet," aaid the boy, as he pnt his enitehes under his
arms, and started for the door. "Aminister may besonnd
on the atonement, but he don't want to saw on an old paeer.
He may have the sabjeet of infant baptism down finer than
a eambrie needle, bat if he has ever been to oollege, he
oncht to have learned enough not to say 'yt^p' to an old
pacer that has been the boss of the road in his time. A
minister may be endowed with sublime power to draw sin-
ners to repentance, and make them feel like getting np and
dusting for the beautiful beyond, and cause them, by his
eloqnence, to see angels bright and fair in their dreams^ and
chariots of Are flying through the pearly gates and down
the golden streets of New Jerusalem, but he wants to tnm
out for a street car all the same, when he is driving a 2.20
pacer. The next time I drive a minister to a funeral, he
will walk," and the boy hobbled out and hung out a sign
in front of the grooety :

SMOKED DOQ FISH AT HALIBUT

PRICES, GOOD ENOVOH

FOB COMPANT.

nOX'B BAD BOT.

CHAPTEB X.

THI OLD MAN MASK A 8FBI0H.

"There, you drop that," said the grocery man to the bad
bqr, ai he came limping into the store and begin to fumble
annmd a box of strawberries. "I have never kicked at
year eating my codfish, and crackers and cheese, and her-
ring, and apples, but there has got to be a dividing line
somewhere, and I make it at strawberries at six shillings a
hex, and only two layers in a box. I only bought one box,
hoping some plumber or gas man would eome along and
boy it, and by gum, everybody that has been in the store
has sampled a strawberry out of that box, shivered as
tiiou^ it was sour, and gone off without asking the price,"
and the groeery man looked mad, took a hatchet and
knocked in the head of a barrel of apples, and said :" There,
help yourself to dried apples."

"0, I don't want your strawberries or dried apples,"
said the boy, as he leaned against a show ease and UxAed
at a bar of red, transparent soap. "I was only trying to
fool yon. Say, that bar of soap is old enough to vote. I
remember seeing it in your showcase when I was about a
year old, and Pa came in here with me and held me up to
the show case to look at that tin tobaceo box, and that
round sine looking.<laaB, and th« yeUow woodui pocket
comb, and the soap locfa just the same, only a UtUe faded.
If you would wash yonnelf onee in a while your soap
wonldnt dry up on your hands," and the b^y sat down on

TBI OBOOBT HAN IMD

the duir witlumt uy back, feeling tlut he waa ttm witk
the grooeiy man.

"Ton nerer mind the soap. It ii paid for, and that ia
more than your father can say abont the soap that haa been
need in hia hoose the paat month," said the grooeiy man, as
he q>lit up a box to kindle the flre. ' ' Bnt we won 't qnarrel.
What waa it I heard abont a band serenading yonr father,
and hia inviting them in to Innehf "

"Don't let that get out or Ps will kill me dead. It was
a joke. One of those Bohemian bands that goes abont town
playing tones for pennies was over on the next street, and
I told Pa I guessed some o) his friends who had heard we
had a bafay at the hoos^ liad hired a band and was coming
in a few minntes to serenade him, and he better prepare
to make a speech. Pa is proud of being a father at his age,
and he thought it no more than right for the neighbors to
serenade him, and he went to loading himself for a speech,
in the libraiy, and me and my chum went out and told the
leader of the band there waa a family up there that wanted
to have some mnsie, and th«y didn't care for expense, so
th^y quit blowing where they was and came right along.
None of tham could understand English except the leader,
and he only understood enough to go and take a drink
when he is invited. My chum steered the band up to our
honse and got them to play 'Babies on our Block,' and
'Baby Mine,' and I stopped all the men who were going
home and told them to wait a minute and they would see
some fun; so when the band got through the second tune,
•nd the Prussians were emptying the beer out of the horns,
and Pa stepped (iht on the porch, there was more nor a
hundred people in front of the house. You'd a dide to'see
Pa, when he put his hand in the breast of his ooat, and
stnuk an attitude. He looked like a congressman, or a
tramp. The band wis seared, cause Quy thought he was

fbok'b bad bot.

m«d, and lome of them were going to mn, thinking he wu
gouig to throw pieces of brick house at them, but my chum
uid th« eader kept them. Then Pa sailed in. He com-
menced, Fellow Citizens,' and then went away back to
Adam and Eve, and worked up to the present day, giving
• hwtoiy of the notable people who had acquired children,
and kept the crowd interested. I felt soriy for Pa, cause
I taew how he would feel when he came to find out haw he
had been sold. The Bohemians in the band that couldn't
understand English, they looked at each other, and won-
dered what rt was all about, and finally Pa wound up by
stating that rt was every citizen's duty to own children of
Ins own. and then he invited the band and the crowd in to
take some refreshments. WeU, you ought to have seen that
band oome in the house. They feU over each other getting
in, and the crowd went home, leaving Pa and my chum and
mewidtteband. Batt WeU, I should smUe. They just
reached for things and talked Bohemian. Drink » O no
I gue« tiiey didn't pour it down. Pa opened a dozen'bot^
ties of diampagne, and they fairly bathed in it, as though
tti^had a fire inside. Pa tried to talk with them about the
baby, but they couldn't understand, and finally they got
i 1 and start«l out, and the leader asked Pa for three
doliars, and that broke him. Pa told the leader he suppowtd
the gentlemen who had got up the serenade had paid for
the music, and the leader pointed to me and said I was
the genUeman that got it up. Pa paid him, but he had a
incked look in his eye, and me and my chum lit out, and
the Bohemians came down the street bilin' full, with their
hora. on their arms, and they were talkrhg Bohemian for
•U •« was out They stopped in front of a vacant hooMi.
•nd begui to pUy; but y^ couldn't toU what tune it was,
ttv were so full, and a policeman came along and drove
ttem faoma. I gneas I will deep at the livwy stelda to-

THB OBOCBT MAM AXO

ni^t, SMiM Pa it w offnl nnraMonaUe iA« aajthJat
eiNta liim thiw dolUn btndM the ehmnpaciM."

"Wdl, yoa havt niMla a pNtly hmm of U," Mid tlu
^gTO0«7 man. "It'i a wondar jmu Pa doaa not kill yon.
But what is it I liaar aboat tbe tronUa at tlw drandtT
Thqr lajr that fooIiahiMM to yoa."

"It's all a lie. Th«j laj aroiTthiiig to me. Itwaaaama
of th«Bi dneka that iinK in the ehrir. I waa jnat at mndi
aupiiwd aa anybody when it oeeorred. Ton laa onr minia-
ter ia laid np from the efleota of the ride to the fonaral,
when he tried to ran oTer a atreet oar; and an old deaoon
who had aymptoma of being a miniater in hia youth, waa
invited to take the minialer'a plaee, and talk a little. He
ia an abaent-minded old party, who dont keep np with the
evanta of the day, and who ever played it on him knew that
he waa too piona to even read the daily papera. There waa
a notioe of a ehoir meeting to be read, and I think the tenor
amng^ed in the other notice between that and the (me
abont the weekly prayer meeting. Anyway, it waant me,
bat it like to broke np the meeting. After the deacon read
the ehoir notioe he took «p the other oa« and read, 'I am
leqaeatad to annoonee that the T. M. C. Aaiooiation will
give a friendly entertainirwt with loft glovea, on Tneaday
evening to whieh all are invited. Brother John Snllivan,
the eminent Boaton revivaliat, will lead the ezereiaet, aa-
dated by Brother Slade, the Maori miationary from Aaa-
tialia. There will be no ahigging, bat a oolleetion will be
taken np at the door to defray expauea.' Well, I thooi^
tha people in dmreh woald tink through the floor. There
waa not a peraon &i the ehareh except the poor old deaeoo
bnt who nnderatood thnt aome wieked wretch had deeeived
^ilm, and I know by the way the tenor tickled the aoprano
that ha did it I may be mean, bat r verything I do k inno-
oant, and I woaldnt be aa mean aa a ehoir aingar far two

FMK'b SAIi BOT. 4g

*Jllw. I felt real MR7 for the old deMon. bat h* new
«iww what he had done, and I think it would be real mean
totdlhim. He won't be at the .lugging mMch. That re-
mmtt about taking up a ooUection settled the deaoon. 1
mnrt go down to the itable now and help grease a haek so

^^ T^j!*^' *° "'"" ""• " P» «<»»« Jiew lookiJW for
ne. tellhm you heard I was going to drive a pionie party
«mt to Waukesha, and may not be back in a week. By that
tune Pa will have got over that Bohemian^ 8erenad^"
and the boy filled his pistol pocket with dried applee, and
went out and hung a sign in front of the groeeiy :

STBAWBXSBIE8. TWO SBILLIN08

A aUELL,

AND ONS SMELL IS ENOVOE.

TBI aaOOBCt KAN AMD

OHAFTEB XI.

OABonnNO miDiB oimoDL.iaB.

Sbi here, yon coon, yon get ont of here," aaid the gro-
ceTy man to the ba4 boy, as he came in the Mora with hii
taoe blaek and ihining, "I don't want any colored boy«
aronnd here. White boys break me up bad enough."

"0. philopena," laid the bad boy, as he pnt his hands
on his knees and langhed so the candy jars rattled on the
shelyea. "Ton didn't know me. I am the same boy that
comes in here and talks your arm off," and the boy
opened the cheese bos and out off a piece of cheeee so
natnral that the grocery man had no difficulty in recog-
rl iipg him.

"What in the nanu of the seven sleeping sisters have
yon got on yonr hands and face," said the grocery man,
as he took the boy by the ear and tamed him aronnd.
"Yoa would pass in a colored prayer me^dng, and no one
woold think yon were galvanized. What you got np in
such an outlandish rig fort"

"Well, 111 tell yon, if you will keep watch at the door.
If yon see a bald-headed colored man coming along the
street with a club, you whistle, and I will fall down cellar.
The bald-headed colored man will be Pa. Ton see, we
moved yesterday. Pa told ma to get a vacation from the
liveiy stable, and we would have fun moving. But I don't
want any more fun. I know when I have got enouj^ fun.
Pa earned all the light things, and when it came to lifting,
he kid a eriak in the bask. Qoah, I ne^r was so tired as

noKli SAO Bor.

I WM lut nifjit, uid I hope we hay* got MtUad, «bW
•ome of the goods haven 't tamed up yet A dnjn*a took
one load over on the West Side, and deUvered them to a
honae ttat aeemed to be expecting a load of honaehold farm,
tnre. He thought it waa all right, if everybody that waa
moving got a load of goods. WeU, after we got moved. Pa
aaid we must make a garden, and we said we wotUd go out
1^ spade np the ground and sow peas, and radishes, and
beets. There was some neighbors Uved in the next house
to our new one, that was all wimmen, and Pa don't like to
have them think he had to work, so he said it would be a
good joke to disguise ourselves as tramps, and the neigh-
bors would think we had hired some tramps to dig in the
BMdea I told Pa of a boss scheme to fool them. I sng-
gerted that we take some of his shoe blacking that is put
on wrth a sponge, and black our faces, and the neidiboia
would think we had hired an old colored man and his boy
to work in the garden. Pa said it was immema, and he
told me to go and black up, and if it worked, he would
black hisself. So I went and put this burnt cork on my
race, cause it would wash off, and Pa looked at me and
said It was wack, and for me to fix him up, too. So I got
the bottle of shoe blacking and painted Pa so he looked
like a colored coal heaver. Actually, when Ma saw him
she ordered him off the premises, and when he laffed at
ner and acted sasqy, she was goirg to throw biling water
on i-a. But I told her the scheme, and she let up on Pa
ri, 'i^" , 1^^' to see us out in the garden. Pa looked
Wie Uncle Tom, and 1 looked like Topsy, only I ain't that
kmd of a colored person. We worked tiU a boy throwed
some tomato cans over the all^ fence and hit me, and I
pued over the fence after him and left Pa. It was mv
Anm. Md when I had caught him we put up a job to grt
P«taehasena.. We thnnred awne mo« eans, and Pa eanw

62 TBI OTOOBT MIN AMD

tat tnd ay ehnm lUrUd ud I after him, and Pa after
both of HI. He ehaaed ni two Uoeki and thm w« got
bdiind a poUoeman, and my ahum told the poUeeiBan it
wu a oraqr old oolorod man that wantod to kidnap oi, and
the polieeman took Pa by the neek and wai going to elnb

THI FOUOBlUll TOOK PA BT TBM ^"^OK.

him, bnt Pa gaid he woold go home and beliaTe. He waa
oflnl mad, and he vent home, and we looked tliroagh the
fenea and Pa wat faying to waih off the Uaoking. Ton
see that blacking wont wadi off. Ton have.to wear it off.
Pa would waab hii face with aoap andi, and then look in

nOK'a BAD MT.

««»• If I WMh«l it off p. would know there h«] been
J«Be BDOu^ «n,ewh«,. I «ked the Aoe rtor. m.n
iKm long rt would Uke the blMking to wear off, and he
«.d nought to w«jr off in, week. 1 gnee. Pa ;o„'t Jo
^ h^^ ^1 • '»^«" «* ^ i» the night. I am going to
SltT# ? T «?»«*"«»• """"try fUhing, till mine
wean off, and when I get out of town I wiU wa*h up. Sar
you don't ftmk a litUe blacking hurt, a man', comJleiSL'
do yoQ^ and you don't think a man ought to get mad be-
MB* it won't wadi off, do youf" S" ™a oe

"O. probably it don't hurt the complexion," said the

wutri lettuce, lo it would look fresh while the hired girl

r^^T"^*' """* '^ '* " ™«''ty unpleaM.it, where
a man haa got an engagement to go to a card paity aa I
taow your Pa ha. to-night A. to getting maS atokt it,
If I wa. your Pa I would take a barrel rtave and Aatte^
ywBreartle wandalou.. What kind of a fate do you think
4wait. you when you die, anyway t"

£L L ^i '°. °* ^^^'^^ '^th -U "V -ii- on my

bTa'n^!^ , *** '"' °^ '*»' ' *o»l<» P'obably

De a wdfl^bor to you, way down below, and they would

«m me a ^b a. fliwnan, and I Aonld feel bad for yon

WWT fame I chucked in another chunk of brimrtone, and

ttonght of you tnnng to .wim dog-fadiion in the lake of

toe a^d rtrammg your v« to find an iceberg that you

*«2*« "taw w I WiU haT. time to rq,«,t and U «t<
* ■■■ ba toartad bi«wn. That', what the minirtar t^n

■ad thqr wonldat jMgr him two thnwuid doUan • jwr
tnd (ire Ua • TMStkni to toll uqrthing that wm not m.
I tell 70a it i« painful to think of that plaee that n many
pnttjr fair aTwa^e people here are going to when they
die. Jnrt think of it, a man that iwean once, if he don't
hedge, and take it back, will go to the bad place. If a per-
ton iteale a pin, jut a nnall, no aooonnt pin, he ia aa bad
aa if he itole all there was in a bank, and he itande the
beet ehanee of going to the bad plaee. Ton see, if a fellow
•teala a little thing like a pin, he forgeU to repent, canae
it don't Mem to be worth while to make ao mneh fmn
abont. Bat if a fellow robe a bank, or iteala a whole lot
of money from orphana, he knowi it it a mij^ty teriont
matter, and he gett in hit work repenting, too quick, and
he it liable to get to the good plaee, while yon, who have
only stole a few potatoes out of a bnihel that yon told to
the orphan ai(ylum, will forget to repent, and yon will
tinle. I tell you, the more I read abont being good, and
going to heayen, the more I think a fellow ean't be too
careful, and from this out you won't And a better hoy than
I am. When I come in here after thia and take a few dried
peaohet or crackert and cheete, you eharge it rigjit up to
Pa, and then I won't haro it on my mind and have to
antwer for it at the great judgment day. I am going to
thake my chum, caute he ehewi tobaeoo, which it wicked,
though I dont tee how that can be, when the miniator
tmokee, but I want to be on the tafe tide. I am going to
be good or butt a tntpender, and hereafter yon can point
to me at the boy who hat teen the folly of an ill-q>ent life,
and if there it tueh a thing at a fif U.on-yaar-old bey, who
hat been a terror, getting to heaven, I am the hairpin. I
tell you, when I liaten to the miniiter tell abont the angela
flying aronnd ftere, and I see pietorea of tiiem putter
than any giri in thia town, with ehnhby ant wiik «a.

nOKt BAD Bor. 15

plM in the dhamt andihoalden, and lone goldmi h«ir, and
think of myuii here cleaning off honee in a livery stable
and amellincr like an^dhameea, it makv me tired, and I
wonldntmiee going there for ten dollar! Say, yon would
make a healthy angel, for a back atreet of the new Jem-
ialem, but you would give the whole crowd away unleea
you wadied up, and lent that ahirt to the Chineee laundry.
Tee, air, hereafter yon will find me ai good u I know how
to be. Now I am going to wash up and go and help the
miniiter move."

Aa the boy went out the grocery man sat for several
minutes thinking of the change that had come over the
bad boy, and wondered what had bronght it about, and
then he went to the door to watch him as he wended his
way aerosB the street, with his head down, as though in
deep thought, and the grocery man said to himself, "that
boy U not aa bad as some people think he is," and then he
looked around and saw a sign hanging up in front of the
"tore, written on a piece of box cover, with a blue pencil :—

SPOILXD

OAJfNED HAM AJfD TONOVE

GOOD ENOUGH

FOB CBVBCH piomca.

and he looked after the boy, who was slipping down an
alley, and said: "The condemn Uttle ?rtielp. Wait tiU I
catohhim."

•l!l ijii'.fil Jiiiit

;.tii .•<>•. iltl.t -ijii

•'.„! .iKW

'_' ^ ■'' '" ' ' ■ ',1' .rt/i-iflii^Kif

"''"'■'■' ;in& •"!< r( I I'Ofi .(■.tinipiior) •iviii*

rjiHfh -iiv.!; ; -:ifl A, U;d-ii ', : ■, .,!t -i; ;; h.in»- !-^-. I

TRB OROOBtT MAN AMD

CHAPTBE Xn.

THB 0U> ICAN SHOOTB TH» MUngnB.

11*"^^' ^ *""*«** y^ ''■» «0"W to fay to lead a different
Me, said the grocery man to the bad boy, a« the youth
eame in with his poekets fnl) of angle wonna, and wsnted
to borrow a baUng^wder can to put them into, iriiile he
went flahing, and he held i^ long angle worn up by the
twl and let it wiggle so he frightened a girl that had oome
IP after two cents' worth of yeast, so she dropped her
piteher and went out of the grocery as thongh she was
ehMed l^ an anaoonda.

"1 am going to lead a different Ufe; but a b^y eanH
diange his whole coarse of life in a minnto. can het
Grown persons haw to go on probation for six months
beftre th«y can lead a different life, and half the time
thry lose thdr end before the six months expire, and have
to eonunence again. When it is so aU flrod hard for a man
that IS endowed with sense to break off being bad, yon
shouldn't expect too much from a boy. But I am doing
as weU aa could be expected— I ain't half as bad as I wasl
Ooah, why dont you bum a ragt That yeast that the girl
spilled on the floor smells like it was sick. I should think
Oat bread that was raised with that yeast wooH smdl
like this eooUng batter yon sell to hired giris."

"WeU, never yon mind the cooking butter. I knew ny
bnalM-. If people want to use peer bntt« wkaa tkm
half eempany, and then blow up the grocer beleN fci%
I MIX stuid it if th«y can. But what i^^this I hear about

'■OK^ BAD BOY.

rm^ P» aihtJii, , dnel with the miidrt« in your bwk
TM* Mid wjmding Idn. in the leg. .nd then trying to
J^STh"*^"^^' OneofyoornewSLn
ta th. «r • yonr hon» I.rt night, «.d thv «e going .

'^.^."•l? •**»» »x»tto'n of the whole bnLH«r'
thJh:Jl,' ^' ^^ Ue, Md tho«. neighbor. wiU find
Uu^hettor taep rtU .bout n^ or we will He about them
2J^ ."^ "^ »•• 8°t fl«t bJ«cWi.ir on hi. fwe he

taTitedm. tow friend, to .pend the e^wring. M. hw got
up «o«nd. «id tta b.by i. . i^, '^^ ^auZTl

SfZiT^ "'^r^*^" ««»*'• »^ M. invited

w«t np into Pa', hbrwy to talk. O, yon think I «n bad

dont yon. bnt of the nine num at onr hon« lart nigh? i

iTT^T* .1 ««* into the bathroom to nntongle my^
toe^and it a nertto P.'. room, and I oouWiea, ^
S^ ««d. bat I w«it away 'ean*. I thoughT^
WBTWMtion wonW hurt my moral.. Th«y would Trteal
'HtothvwM.b.^tatdamedifleTerrtole. Pa hai
-W«o«r a hundred W5p,n load, of watormelon.. «..

•Mm, and run, and another nwd to rteal egg^ and «o ont
in tt. wood. «,d hen th««. and the minirt«^ i"!!!

WWM the rtrwun out and ta w>»i ^ ..._ v:

MdalaaBad

out, and to ward off «u.pidoo ha

•* in th. *«n, ,«i th« MA^ b„^ fl^ ^"^

TBS GROOKBT HAM AMD

tront, and the owner found the treat were stolen and laid
it to Bome Dutch boys. I wondered, when those men were
telling their experience, if they ever thought of it now
when they were preaching and praying, and taking np
collectioos. I should think they wouldn't say a boy was
going to hell right off 'cause he was a little wild now-
adays, when he has such an example. Well, lately, some-
body has been burgling our chicken coop, and Pa loaded
an old musket with rock salt, and said he would fill the
fellow full of salt if he caught him, and while they were
talking upstairs M& heard a rooster squawk, and she went
to the stairway and told Pa there was somebody in the
hen house. Pa jumped up and told the visitors to follow
him, and they would see a man running down the alley
full of salt, and he rushed out with the gun, and the crowd
followed him. Pa is shorter than the rest, and he passed
under the first wire clothes line in the yard all right, and
was going for the hen house on a jump, when his neck
caught the second wire clothes line just as the minister
and two of the deacons caught their necks under the other
wire. Yon know how a wire, hitting a man on the throat,
will set him back, head over appetite. Well, sir, I was
looking out of the back, window, and I wouldn't be posi-
tive, but I think they all turned double back somersaults,
and struck on their ean. Anyway, Pa did, and the gun
must have been cocked, or he struck the hammer on a
stone, for it went off, and it was pointed toward the house,
and three of the visitors got salted. The minister was hit
the worst, one piece of salt taking him in the hind leg, and
the other in the back, and he yelled as though it was dyna-
mite. I suppose when yon shoot a man with salt, it smarts,
like when you get corned beef brine on your ehapped
hands. They all yelled, and Pa seemed to have bsen
knocked silly, some way, for he pranced annmd and

nOK'S BAT BOT. n

■eemed to think he had killed them. He (won at the win
clothes line, and then I miaeed Pa aod heaid a apluh like
when you throw a cat in the river, and then I thon^t of
the cistern, and I went down and we took Pa by the collar
and pnlled him out. O, he was awful damp. No sir, it
was no duel at all, but a naiddent, and I didn't have any-
thingr to do with it. The pm wasn't loaded to kill, and

THOUOHT OF THB 0I8TEBN.

the salt only went through the skin, but those men did yelL
Maybe it was my chum that stirred up the chickens, but I
don't know. He has not commenced to lead a diiferent
life yet, and he mig*t think it would make our folks siok
if nothing occurred to make them pay attention. I think
where a family has been having a good deal of exensiae,
the w^ OTIS has, it hurts ftem to break oif too suddenly.

^f IBM emoaaar man and

Brt tiu Tfaiton went homa, real qniek, mfter we got Pm
ont of the ciateni, and the miniater told Ha he alwa^ bit
i^en he waa in onr hooH: aa though he waa on the verge
of a yawning erater, ready to be mgnlfed any minute, and
he gueaMd he wouldn't oome any more, Pa changed ha
clothea and told Ma to haw them wire olothee linea changed
for rope onea. I think it ia hard to anit Pa, don't you f"

"O, your Pa ia aU ri^rt. What he needa ia rest But
why are you not working at the Uvery atablet Ton harm't
bemdiachaiged.haTeyouf" And the grocery man laid a
little lump of emocutrated lye, that looked like maple
w«M, on • eake of augar that had been broken, knowing
the hay would nibUa it ' — , •-»

''No, air, I waa not diadiarged, but when a livery man
Imda me a kicking horw to take my giri oat riding, that
aettleait I aaked the boaa if I oonldn^t have a quiet hot..
tlMt would drive himaeU if I wound the linea around the
whip, »nd he let me have one he aaid would go aU day
without driving. Ton know how it ia, when a feUow takea
a girl 0^ riding he dent want hia mind occupied holding

^.^^'^ I «<* "V girl in. Mid we went ont on the
Whitefiah Bay road, and it waa ju<t before dark, and we
rode ahmg under the treea, and I wound the linea around
the whip, and put one arm around my girl, and patted her
under the chin with my other hand, and her month h>oked
ao good, and her blue «yea looked up at me and twinkled
aa mneh aa to dare nie to kiaa her, and I wm aU of a
tremble, and then my hand wandered aronnd by her ear
and I drew her head up to me and gave her a amaek. 8w
that waa no kind of a hoiae to give to a young fellowto
take a girt out riding. Jnat aa 1 amaoked her I felt aa
Aon^ tte boflgy had been atruck by a pil*driver, and
^I tookad at the h-« he was run^ng away and
Ueking the boggy, and Oe linea wen dragging a tha

ncK's BAc Bor. (j

r««iid. I WM teared, I tdl yon. I wanted to jonm out,
Imt iny gipl thww her arm. BTonnd my neck and •ewMMd.
and iaid we woold die toaother, and jnrt as we were coins
to die the boggy rtraek • fenee and the horw broke looee
and went oir, leaving « fa the buggy tumbled down by
the daah board, but we were not hurt. The old horM itoo-
ped and went to ehewiBg gran, and looked up at me as
Aough he wanted to lay 'phUopena.' I tried to eatch
him, but he wouldn't eateh, and then we waited till dark

Md w^ed home, and I told the Uvery man what I thought
of rooh treatment, and he .aid if I had attended to my
^Ying and not ki«ed the girl, I would have been all right
He "Jid I ought to have told him I wanted a honw that
wouldn't Ay at kiaring. bat how did I know I waa going
to get up courage to kiee fcer. A livery man ought to take
It for granted that when • young f eUow goes out with hie

^1 he 1. going to ki. her, and give him a hor«, aeeording.
But I quit him at one I wont work for a man that
kun t got «« Q«h| What kind of maple ««ar i.
thatlJemaaleml mew, give me K>me waterl O, my. it
5i taking the akin off my month!"

■The groeery man got him aome water and leemed aorrr
tlurt fte boy had taken the lump of concentrated ly. \^
muM^ ^d when the bqy went out the gToeeiy man
pounded hia hand* on hia knees and laughed, and pns-
•nUy he went out in front of the (tore and found a aign :

FSESH IXTI8, BBEN PICKED
MOBE'N A WEEK
TUrFEB'N TBIPE.

THI OaOaiST KIM AMD

CHAPTBB Xni.

TBI BAD BOT A THOBOUOBBBID.

"Ah, ha, /on have got your deseiti at last," said the gro-
OMy man to the bad boy, as he came in with one eye black,
and his nose peeled on one side, and sat down on a board
aeroas the coal scnttle, and began whistling as nnoon-
cemed as possible. "'What's'the matter with your eyel"

"Boy tried to gouge it out without my conaent," and
the bad boy took a dried herring out of the box and began
peeling it "He ia in bed now, and his ma is poulticing
him, and she says he will be out about the last of next
week."

"O, yon are going to be a prize fighter, ain't yout"
said the grocery man, disgusted. "When a boy leaves a
job where he is working, and goes to loafing around, he
beoomea a fighter the first thing. What your Pa ought to
do is to bind you out with a farmer, where you would have
to work all the time. I wish you would go away from here,
beeanae you look like one of these fellows that comes up
before the police judge Mwday morning, and gets thirty
days in the house of oorreotion. Why don't you go out
and loaf around a slaughter house,' where you would look
qipropriatet" and the grocery man took a hair brush and
bmahed some sugar and tea, that was on the counter, into
the sugar barrel.

"Wall, if you have got throuj^ with your sermon, I
will toot a litae on my horn," and the boy threw the
nouina of the herring over behind a barrel of potatoes.

fbck'b bad bot.

•nd wiped hii hand* on a ooffee laek. "If 70a had thit
blaok eye, »nd got it the way I did, it would be a more
priceleM gem in the crown of gloiy yon hope to wear, than
any gem you can get by putting quarters in the collection
plate, with the holes flUed with lead, as you did last Sun-
day, when I was watching yon. 0, didn't you look pious
when yon picked that filled quarter out, and held your
thumb orer the place where the lead was. The way of the
black eye was this. I got a job tending a soda^ater fonn-
tain, and last night, just before we dosed, there was two
or three young loafers in the place, and a girl came in for
a glass of soda. Five years ago she was one of the bright-
est scholars in the ward school, when I was in the inter-
mediate department. She was just as handsome as a peaoh,
and everybody liked her. At recess she used to take my
part when th; boys knocked me around, and she lived near
us. She had a heart as big as that cheese box, and I guess
that's what's the matter. Anyway, she left school, and
then it was said she was going to get married to a fellow
who is now in the dude business, but he went back on her,
and after awhile her ma tnrr."-l her out doors, and for a
year or two she was jerkirg beer in a concert salomi, until
the mayor stopped concerts. She tried hard to get sewing
to do, but they wouldn't have her, I guess 'cause she cried
ao much when she was sewing, and the tears wet the doth
she was sewing on. Once I asked Pa why Ma didn't give
her some sewing to do, and he said for me to dry up and
never speak to her if I met her on the street. It seemed
tough to pass her on the street when she had tears in her
eyes as big as marblea, and not speak to her when I know
her ao wdl, and she had been so kind to me at school just
'cause the dude wouldn't many her, but I wanted to obey
Pa, so I used the walk anmnd a block when I see her
coming, 'eanae I didnt want to hurt her feelings. Wdl.

TBM nancmr mam and

iMt oiijit An flam* in the tton, lootdag pmfy thaUir, aad
wanted • i^ms of toda, ud I gave it to har, aad O, haw
her hand trembled when ehe railed the ijati to har lipe,

O, HOW Bia HAND RntBUD WHIN BHB BAIOD TBB OiAai.

and how wet her ejta were^ and how pale her faoe waa.
I choked np so I eonldnt ai>eak when ahe handed me the
niekel, and when ihe looked np at me and cmiled jnat like
■he need to, and taid I wai getting to be almoet a man sinoe
we went to lehool at the old eehool honie, and put her
handkenhief to her «y«e, hy goah, mj efee got eo fnU I
eonldnt tell whethor it waa a niekri or a loaaogar die gave
me. Jnat then one of tiioae loafers bagu to langh at her,

nOX'B BAD BOT. (5

•nd aaU her Haunt, and nj the poliee onght to take her np
tor a etray, and he made fun of her nntU the eried tome
mm, and I got hot, and went around to where he wai, and
told hjm if he laid another unkind word to that girl I
would maul him. He Uughed and aiked if the wai my
^, and I told him that a poor, friendleia girl, who waa
•U* and in diatren, and wno wai inmilted, cogbt to be
wwy boy I lirter, for a minute, and any boy who had a
ipMk of manhood, ihonld protect her, and then he lau^ied
and laid I ought to be one of the Little Sirten of the Poor,
and he took hold of her faded thawl and pulled the weak
girl againit the ihowcaM, and said something mean to her
Mid the looked as thonj* she wanted to die, and I maihed
OMtioy one right on the note. WeU, the air teemed to
be fnU of me for a jninnte, 'cause he was bigger than me,
and he got me down, and got his thumb in my «ye. I gnitt

he wat going to take my «ye out, but I turned him o»er and
got on top, and I mauled him until he begged, but I
wouldn't let him np till he atked the girl'a pardon, and
wroro he would whip any boy that insulted her, and then
^u "•*' *"* ^ ^ thanked me; but I told her I
oonldnt ipeak to her, 'cause the wti toug*, and Pa didnt
wit me to tpeak to anybody who was tou^; but if any-
body WW insulted her so she had to oiy, that I would whip
Urn a I had to take a club. I told Pa about it, and I
thoajftt he would be mad at me for taking the part of a
girl that was tough, but, by gosh. Pa hugged me, and the
toan e«ne in his eyes, and he said I had got good blood in
me, and I did just right; and if I would show him the
fi<*h« of the boy that I whipped. Pa said he could whip
tte old man. and Ma said for me to find the poor girl and
•■Wher up to the house, and she would give her a job
J»«kfaig pUlow cases and ni^t shirts. Don't it seem dam
«M« to you that everybody goet back on a poor girl* (

TBI aaOOMT MIX AMD

• mMite, and tlw Uattod lAdp (kat h to
blam, gali • ehroBMt It nakM ma tirad to think of it,"
and tht box got np and •■wok Unnelf, and lotted in the
eradnd minor hanginc npon a poit, to aea liow hit tft
was gottiiiff along."

"Bajt Tonng ftllaw, 70a are a thoroDg^Itred," Mid tha
grofl«i7 man, aa ha iprinkled wme water on the aaparagni
and lettooe, "and 70a ean eome in here and get all the her-
ring yihi want, and never mind the blaok eye. Iwiihlhad
it mTielf. Tea, it doea aeem tong^ to see people nerer
allow a girl to reform. Now, in Bible timei, the Savioor
f ofgaTe Mai7 or lomebody, I forget now what her name
waa, and the waa a bettv giri than ever. What we need
ia more of the apirit of Chriat, and the world would be

"What we want ia about ten thoniand Chriata. We
onght to have ten or fifteen ri|^t here in Ifilwankee, and
th*r wonld find plentgr of bnaineiB, too. But thia elimata
aeema to be too ron|^ Bay, did I tell 70a about Pa and
Ma baring trooUat"

"No,whi«'athen>wt"

"Wdl, 70a eee Ma wanta to eeomnnixe all ahe ean, and
Pa haa been getting thinner ainee he quit drinking and !•■
formed, and I have kept 00 growing until I am bigger than
he ia. Fanny, ain't it, that a boy ahonld be bigger than hit
Paf Pa wuted a new niit of elothea, and Ma laid ahe
woold ilx him, and ao she took one of my old mita and
made it over for Pa; and he wore them a week before he
knew it waa an old aoit made over, bnt one day he found a
handful of dried np an^e worma in the pistol poeket that
I had forgot when I waa fishing, and Pa laid the ani^e
and Ma had to explain that she made orer
8idtif»Fa. He waa mad and took tiiam off
OtB out the baak window, and awwe ha would

rmx'u BAD Bor.

nmr hnniUato UbmU bj wMriag hit m's oM ,

Ma tiM to HMMi with him, but ha WM mwfollj w«Atd
np, ud Mid h« WM no ahari^jr hoq>ital, and ha itoroMd
awwBd to And Ma old Riit of olotlwi, but Ma had iold th«B
to a plartcr of Pwii imaca paddlar, and Pa hadnt any.

thing to wear, and ha wantad Ma to go out in tha aUar and
piA up tha anit ha threw out tha window; but a rag man
had piekad tb-jm np and was going awv, and Pa, ha grab-
bad a linan dnatar and put it on and want oat aflar tha rag
piakar, and ha mn, and Pa aftar him; and the rag nan
told a poUoaman there waa an eaeaped Innatie from the
HJrlum, and he wai chasing people aU over the city, ud
Oe poliaeman took Pa by the linen duster, and polled it
ol^ and ha waa a si^t when thiy took him to the polioa
station. Ma and ma had to go down and baU him out,
and tha poliaa lent ns a tarpaolin to put owr Pa, and w«
tot him home, and he is wearing his summer pants while
the taUor makes him a new auH of alothae. I think Pa is
too exeitaMe, and too partionlar. I new kiaked on waai^
ing Pa Js old clothaa, and I think ha ongfat to wear mine
now. well, I muat go down to the sweetened wind faetOTT,
and jaric soda," and tha bfly went out and hung up a aim
infrontoftheatore: -^ f--**

SPINAOE FOB €HtgtlfS, TBAT

TBK OAT BAB MADX

A NBBT Ilf OVEB SUPDAI.

TBX OMWBnr MAM AMD

.OHAPTBBZiy.
MtmmmdKan t. x. a a. vmMaamL

"Wall, hom't jmr «]ret" said tiM gtoewj nun to tlM
bad boj, u he blew in with ib* wind on tlM day of tha
oyolont, and left tha door open. "Saj, ihnt that door.
Ton want to blow ereiTthing ont of tha itorat Had any
mora fli^ti, protaeting girla from dodaat"

"No, ararythinc if quiet 10 far. I gneM linaa I hava got
a record ai a fighter, the boyi will be earafnl who th«y in-
ralt when I am aronnd. Bnt I have had the hardait week
I ever ezparienoed, jerking aoda for the Tonng Uen'a
Chrietian A«oeiation," laid the boy, ai he peeled a ba-

"What do yon mean, boyt Don't eait any reflaetioBa
(m ineh a noble AMoeiation. They don't drink, do thtyt"

"DrinkI 0, nol They don't drink anything intozie*-
ting, bnt when it eomea to aoda thqr flood themadTea. Ton
know there baa been a National Convention of delegataa
from all tha Tonng Men'a Chriitian AMOeiationi of the
whole eonntiy, aboat three hundred, here, and our atore
ia rigM on the atreet where they paaaed four timee a day,
and I never aaw aueh appetitea for aoda. There baa been
one eontinual flu in onr atore ainee Wedneaday. The boaa
wanted me to play it on aome of them by putting some
brandy in with the perfumery a few timea, bnt I wouldn't
da it I guaaa a few waeka ago, before I had lad a different
life, I wouldn't had to be aaked twiee to play the game en
a iy b ejiy . Bnt a man eay boy aoda of ma and be perfeetly

fMKli BAB aOT.

Of aom^ if •■an wiata, iA« I Mk hia what

to put to^hrmdy. Thttk different Bnt I wouUnt
T!f*V, "*o • "»« 'or nothing. Thii Okriatian Aaw-
JtiMOmwntion hM eaoMd . eoldne. between P. u>d

"How'i tlutt Tour Pt lent JealoDt, ia hef and the
r««^iiiaii ea». aronnd from behind the ewmter to (ft
tteUteet loerip to rrtail to the hired ,irli who traded w^,

-nl'ilr' w"°^''" "*"» *k. boy. a. he took a few rai.ir,
oat of a box. "Ton aee, the dalegatea were ihnffled u,t t.
aU Oe chnreh mambe« to take eare of, and they dealt Uo
to M^ and ahe new toM Pa anything abont it. They
awne to aapper the ilrat ni^t. and Pa didn't get home ao
whan they went to the Condition in the evening, Ma gave
them a nijit key, and Pa eame home from the boxing
mateh about eleren o'oloek, and Ma waa aaleep. Jnat aa
Pa r)t inoat of hia elothea off, he heard aomebody fumb-
Jng at the front door, and he thoo^t it waa bnr^ara. Pa

^!!f ^f^'"""**' ^^ "*• ^ "^ ^0 ^^ o' the honae
«d ^JiS^ «• ««« the oatdde. He opened a window
Md looked ont and aaw two anapieiona looking oharaotera
trying to paek the lock with a akeleton key, and he picked

Zl n «**'■? ?«* M* »»<» ^x«^t when we moved,
~w and aU, and dropped it down right between the two
delegatoa. Goeh, if it had hit one of them, there would
h*ve bera the aolemneat funeral you ever aaw. Juat aa it
•trod^ thv got the door opened and came into the haU,
and ttM wmd waa blowing pretty hard and they thought

toOdng abort being miraculoualy aaved, and trying to
*tt. ^tohon thdr wat p«.t.. when P. wenttoleiead
•fttaatriraandpnahedowawiraatand flUed with potted

THi oaooBirr min imd

jAaalM, wUmk i^nA px«|ty near tke ddagatm, ud on* of
than Hid tha home wm ooming down inn, tnd fhqr bet-
ter go into the eellar, and ihtf went down and got bdiind
the fnrnaee. Pa called me np and wanted me to go down
cellar and tell the bnrglan we were onto them, and for
them to get out, bat I wiant Teijr well, lo Pa loekad hii
door and went to bed. I gacM it mnat haTc been half-an-
honr before Pa'i cold feet woke Ma np, and then Pa told
her not to more for her life, came there were two of the
nvageit looking bnrglan that ever was, rnmaging over the
honae. Ma imelled Pa'i breath to aee if he had got to
drinking again, and then ihe got np and hid her oraidn
watch in her ahoea, and her Onalaika diamond ear-ringi
in the Bible, where ahe laid no bnrglar would ever find
them, and Pa and Ma laid awake till daylight, and then Pa
■aid he waan't afraid, and he and Ma went down cellar.
Pa atood on the bottom itair and looked around, and on*
of Jie delegatea aaid, 'Mister, ia the ttorm orer, and ia
yonr family safet' and Ma recognized the -voice and aaid,
'Why, ita one of the delegatea. What are yon doing down
theret' and Pa aaid, 'What'a a delegatet' and then Ma
explained it, and Pa apok)giMd, and the delegate aaid it
was no matter aa they had enjoyed themael'vea real wdl in
the cellar. Ma waa mortified moat to death, and the dele-
gate told her it waa all ri|^ She waa mad at Pa, flrat,
bnt when ahe aaw the broken alop-bowl on the front stepa,
and the potted planta in the hall, ahe wanted to kill Pa,
and I gneaa ane woold only for the aooiety of the delegatea
She oonldn't help tdling Pa that he waa a bald headed old
toei, bat Pa didnt retaliate— he ia too rnneh of a gentle-
man to talk back in compniy. All he aaid waa that a
woman who ia old enon^ to have delegatea aawed off on
her, onght to ham aanae enon^ to tell her hnaband, and
than th^y all drifted off into eoBvanation abowt the coo-

rmx'a iub bot.

▼ention and th« budng mateh, ud emytUng was all right
on tha tnrfaoe; but after breakfast, whan the dalegatca
went to the eonvention, I notiaed Pa went ri^t down town
and bon^t a new slop-jar and some more plant*. Pa and
Ma didnt speak aU the forenoon, and I guess tbiy
wouldn't ap to this time, only Ha's bonnet eame home
from the milliner's and she had to have some money to pay
for it Then she eaUed Pa 'pet,' and that settled it When
Ma calls Pa 'pet,' that is twenty-flve doUars. 'Dear, old
darling,' means fifty doUara. But, say, those ohnstian
young men do a heap of good, don't they. Their presence
seems to make people better. Some boys down by the store
were going to tie a ean on a dog's tail, yesterday, and
somebody said, 'here cornea the Christian Association,'
and those bad boys let the dog go. They tried to find the
dog after the crowd had got by, but the dog knew his
bnaineas. Well, I must go down and charge the soda
foimtain for a picnic that is expected from the eountry."
"Hold on a minute," said the grocery man as he wound
a piece of brown paper around a cub and stuck it in a
syrup jug he had just filled for a customer, and then lick-
ed his fingers. "I want to ask yon a question. What has
caused you to change so from being bad. Ton were about
as bad as they make 'em, up to a few weeks ago, and now
you seem to have a soul, and get in your work doing good
about as well as any boy in town. What is it that ails
youf"

"Oh, sugar, I don't want to tell," said the boy, as he
blushed ard wiggled around on one foot, and looked silly;
"but if yon won't laugh, I will teU you. It is my girl that
has made me good. It may be only temporary. If she
goes baek on me I may be tough again ; but if she continues
to hold out faithful I shall be a daisy aU the time. Say,
dM yw erwr loTO a girlt It would do yon good, if yon

THX aBOOIBT VAN AMD

loftd tiqrbody regnlar old fashioned the way I do, peopia
eonid lend little ehildren here to trade, and yoa wonldn't
palm off any wilted TegetaUes on to them, or give thm
short weii^t — ^if yon was in love, and felt that the one yon
loTod saw eveiy act of yonrs, and yon oonld see her eyes
ereiy minnte, yon wonid throw away anything that was
spoiled, and not try to sell it, for fear yon wonId oflsnd
her. I don't think any man is fit to do bnsiDeas honasUy
unless he is in love, or has been fa love onee. Now I

I 00llU> BB HT CUBL's BANOB BAIBI BIOBT OP.

QOoIdnt do anything wrong if I tried, beoanse I shonid
hear the still small voice of my girl saying to me 'Htnnery,
let np on that.' I slipped np on a banana peel, ys st e r day,

rmx'n bad bot.

and kut niTidf, and I wm jut pnng to njr wmitliiiig
•All, and I oonld we nqr girl's bangi raiae rif^ up, and
than ma a pained look in her lta», and a tear in ker cje,
and, b7 goah, I jnit imiled and looked tieUed tiU her hair
went down and the imile eame back again to her Upa,
thon^ it hnrt me like Uaaea where I itmck Oe lidewalk.
I waa telling Pa about it, and aaked him it he erer felt aa
thoni^ hii Mol waa going ri^ ont toward lonwbodjr, and
he aaid he did onoe on a iteamhnet ezenrrion; but he ate
a lamon and got over it. Pa thinks it ii my liver, and
wanta me to take pilla, bat I tell yon, boai, it has stmek
in me too deep for piUa, nnle« it ia one that wei^ abont
a hnndred and fortjr poonds, and weara a hat with a
feather on. Sajr, if my giil ahonld walk ri^t into a burn-
ing lake of red-hot lava, and beekon me to follow, I wonld
take a hop, akip and jump, and — "

"0 give na a rest," said the groeecy man, sa he took
a baain of water and sprinkled the floor, preparatory to
sweeping ont "Ton have got the worst ease I ever saw,
and yon better go ont and walk around a bloek," and the
boy went out, and forgot to hang out any sign.

THI QBOOBT MAK AMD

OHAFTEBXV.

■■ TDBNB aupa.

Tog Io«t prettjr iteapy," laid the gnxsety man to the
bad bov, aa ha eame in the itore yawning, and itratehed
hiaaadi ont on the eonnter with Ui head on a . pieee of
wrappinf paper, in reach of a box of raiaina,
it's the matter f Been sitting np with yotur oiri all

"Smm\ 1 wiA I had. Wakefnlneai with my giil ii
: and more reetfnl than deep. No, thii is the reanlt
>f baiBff a dntifol son, and I am tired. Ton aee Pa and Ma
have B^arated. That ia, not for keepa, bat Pa haa got
frighlaud aboat bori^ian, and he gets np into the attie to
sleep. He says it is to get fresh air, but ha knows better.
Ua has got so aeenstomed to Pa's snoring that she eant go
to alesp withont it, and the first ni^t Pa left she didnt
sleep a wink, and yesterday I was playing on an old aeoor-
dion that I traded a dog collar for after oar dog was
poisoned, and when I tonohed the low notes I notieed Ha
dosed sC to sleep, it sounded so mnoh like Pa's snore, and
last ni|^t Ma made me set np and play for her to sleep.
As rested splendid, bnt I am all broke up, and I sold the
aeeordion this morning to the watchman who watches oar
bloek. It is qneer what a different effect mnsie will haya
OB diflhrant people. While Ma was sleeping the sleep of
inneeeaee ondsr the inilnenee of my eonnterteit of Pa's
<, ttm ni^ watshman was broln of his r«at h7 it, awl

nCK'g BID aoT. fi

k* boMikt it of ma to girs it to the wn of an mmh^ of Un
Wdl, I hkira quit jeMag Boda."

"No, jron doBt tdl me," wid the gtoearj aa, m he
fflored the box of iminna out of raaeh. "Toa neftr will
amonot to aiiTthiiig unleei yoa etiek to one trade or pio-
feaiitai. A rolling hen never eatehaa the aarij aagla-

"0, bat I am all right now. In the ioda water bnaiiMa,
there is no chance for genini to riae nnleae the loda fbuii-
tain ezplodea. It ia all wind, and one geta tired of the
eooatant fizi. He feels that he is a fraud, and when he
puts a little aymp in a tumbler, and flres a little sweetened
wind and water in it nntil the soap sads fills the tomUar,
and charges ten cents for that whieh oniy costs a cent a
sensitiTe soda jerker, who has reformed, feels that it is
worse than three card monte. I couldn't stand the wear
on my conscience, so I hare got a permanent job aa a snper,
and shall open the 1st of September."

"Say, what's a sapert It isnt one of th«ae free Inneh
places that the mayor closes at midnight, is i|t" and the
grocery man looked aorry.

"0, thnnder, you want salt on yon. A super is an ad-
junct of the stage. A snpe is a fellow that assists the stars
and things, carrying chairs and taking up carpets, and
sweeping the sand ott the stage aftera dancer has danced
a jig, and he brings beer for the aeton, and halpa laee up
corsets, and anything he can do to add to the effect of the
play. Privately, now, I have been aoting as a supe for a
long time, on the sly, and my folks didnt know anything
about it, but sinee I reformed and decided to be good, I
f dt it my duty to teU Ma and Pa about it The news
broke Ma all up, at first, but Pa said some of the hart actors
is thia oountry were supes once, and some of them were
now, and he though snping would be the making of me.

lU ftW i ^t coiog on the rttft wmild W my

Ow wU tha thMtw WM th* kut^ad •( fill, wd bnra^
MM Mb thai the 6bmnk eonld hMi oA But wlMa I
Ml har that th«jr iXwtyi gt-n • iiip* two «r tkiM «ln
li^tatalMr hk tunily, sh« Mid tka dMrtw hM mm m-
dMMfaic iMtaNi, and when I Mid 1117 antnaM apon tht
^tft wmld fivs me a iplendid nfiinrtanilj to get the le-
eipe for fae9 powder from the aatwue, f oi- Ma, and I
eonld find oat how the aetraMW managed to get nomber
four feet into nnmber one ihoea, Ila Mid riie wUed I
wonid oommence taping ri|^ off. Ma M^a tharc are wme
things aboat a theater that are not ao all-flred bad, and ahe
wanti me to get aMta for the iint oomia opera that eomea
alcmg. Pa wanta it nndentood with the manager that a
aape'a father haa a right to go behind Oe aeanea to aM
that no harm bnfalla him, bat I knew what Fa wanta. Ha
may aeen pioos, and aU that, bat he likM to look at baUet
girla better than an7 medc and lowly fidlowar I ever aae,
and aome day yon will hear mnaie in the air. Pa thiwt«
theatera are very bad, when he haa to pay a dollar fbr a
reaeryed aeat, but when he ean get in for nothing h a
reUtive of one of the 'perfeah', the thMter hM many re-
deeming qoaUtiea. Pa and Ma think I am going into the
bnainaM frtah and green, bat I know aU aboat it When
I played with MeCplloag^ here once—"
^/'<*. ^»t an yoa giving na," aaid the groeeiy man in
tfaga^ "whrn yoa played with MeOallongfal What did
70a daT'

"^'*"* •* I dot Why, you old aeed eaeomber, the

around me. Do you remember the

1 fornm, ^ere MeOulloo^ addre«ed

I a< Bomef I wai the popnlaoe. Dont yon

' • «■* f dlow atanding in front of the Boman

r it m; with a ni|^t ahirt cm, with bat* lege

mx'n ais bot.

Mduwt Tlat wu OM, and •mything lUfMUad w mc.
Bapftm I liiUI gont off Qu itaf* st the aritiaal mamnt, w
Ini^td whan I ihonld bam IwAad JIwm «t the i]iq>ired
wndf of tha Boman mutor, h would IwTa been • d«ad
gire awi^ on KeOolloiii^ Am the popnUoe of Borne I
Moaider myielf a glittering meoeM, and Me took me ky the
hMd when tkty earned Cnar'e dead body out, and he
laid, 'ni three did oanelves prond.' Sneh praiie from He-
Cnlkni^ ia seldom accorded to a rape. But I dont oon-
■idar the populace of the imperial city of Bome my maater
pieae. Where I ezeel ii in coming out before the onrtain
between the aoti, and nnhooking the carpet. Some inpea
go oat and torn their badu to the andienee, showing
patehea on their panta, and rip up the carpet with no atyle
•boat them, and the dnit fliea, and the boys yell 'aope,'
and the rape gets nerrooa and forgets his cue, and goes off
tombling over the carpet, and tha orchestra leader is afraid
the rape will fall on him. But I go oat with a quiet dig^
nity that is only gained by ezparienee, and I take hold of
the carpet the way Hamlet takes up the skull of Toriek,
and the audienae is paralyied. I kneel down on the carpet,
to onhook it, in a devotional sort of a way that makea the
aadience bow their heads as thou^ thfly were in chnreh,
and before they realiie that I am only a rape I have the
carpet onhooked and march out the way a 'Piaoopal min-
ister does when he goes out between the acts at chnreh to
change his shirt They never 'guy' me, 'cause I aet well
tV P«rt. But I kiek <m holding dogs for actresses. Some
rapes think th^ are made if they can hold a dog, but I
have an ambition that a pug dog will not fill. I held Mary
Anderson's eud of gum once, while she went on the stage,
and whan she cama off and took her gam her fingers
tonehed mine and I had to run my fingers in my hair to
warm thsm, like a fellow does when he has been raow-

•HI caoomT KAX um

Gofrii, bat iha wooi.^ fre«M lea erMm wWiaiit
Mtt. I 4iill b* ^ad whan the thMtriad mhod opaaa,
'MMH wt Mton frt tiNd liTiiiff off."

"Wdl, I'd Uka to go beUad th« hwdm nith 70a wnM
idl^" Mid Oa froaerjr man, offarinir tVa bad bojr an

to gat aolid irith him, in Ticnr of fntnre eoaqtli-
Aati. "No daagar, ia theret"
"No duiar it yoa kaap off the graaa. Bntyoa'dafiia
to aaa aij Sodaj aehodl taaeher one Brtnrdar nii^ laat
HMHMr. Ba ka^a baala in a atsa^ and ia

noK'k MAoaor.

at th« fhMter, and wanted me to g«t Um behind the u«^
ane nig^ and another npe wanted to go to the aparrine
mateh, and I thon^ it wouldn't be any harm to work my
toaeher in, ao I got him a job that ni«^t to hold the dogi
forUneleTom'tihow. He wu in one of the winga holding
the ehaina, and the dog* were jn«t anziooi to go on, and it
waa all my taaeher ooold do to hold them. I told him to
wind the ehaina aroimd hii wriita, and he did ao, and jut
then Blixa began to lUp aeroM the ice, and wa dcked the
Mood honnda on before my teaeh -. could unwind the
ehaina from hia wrirta, and the dogi pulled him ri^t out
on the atage, on hia atomach, and drawed him aeroaa, and
he jakei one dog and kicked him in the stomach, and the
dog turned on my teacher and took a mouthful of hia coat
tail and ihook it, and I gneaa the dog got lome meat, any-
wv the teacher climbed up a step-ladder, and the dogs
treed him, and the step-ladder fell down, and we grabbed
the dofs and put some court plaster on my teacher's nose,
where the fbe extinguisher peeled it, and he said he would
fa hoMe, 'eanse the theater waa demoralizing in its tenden-
■aa. I '^oaa it was not right, but when the teacher stood
19 to heer ear £kinday school lesson the next day, 'enme
he mm tired y^an the dog bit him, I said 'aiek-em,' in a
'Haapw, when hia bad waa turned, and he jmped clear
OTW t» the BiUe dasa, and put hia hands aroMd to hia
e«* tafl as though ha thought the TTnde Toa'a Cabin
party were giving a matinee in the ekuidi. The Sunday
aobool lasaoa ww about the dog's Uekag the aorea of Lasa-
ma, and the ts a nher aaid we muat not eonfnad the good
daga of Bibb tins with fte savage beasta of te presoit
day, thrt would shake the d^yli^te out of Laaaroa, and
make hia sUmb &e eedan of T rtian qgieker than you
eoold aay Jaek Bobinaan, and go aff diawing a cud o( bit-
' "~^-n on Laaawi* aea* taa I teit ttink a Son-

nn oaocBBT man im

day tobool tMMhar on^ to Mnf np panonal noiiiiit-
eaneet twfoN • ti»m of ehildra, do yoat Wdl, hb«
time noit ftU yon pat on a elcan (hirt and a pair of ahaat
iron panti, wtth atore le^ on the inaida, and I will taka
yon behind tka aoanaa to ••• aeoM good moral ahow. InOa
meantime^ if yon have an oeeaaion to talk with Pa, tell Um
that Booth, and Barrett, and Keene eommeneed an the
atage aa anpea, and Salvini roaated peaanta in tb* leUiy
of aome theater. I want onr taOa to feel that I am taking
the rii^t oonraa to become a atar. I prythee Mt rt$trvoir.
I goheneel battoretnm. Avaiintl" And the boy walk,
ed ont on hia toaa • la Booth.

raox'B BAD Bor.

OHAPTBSZVL

UMOU I

. PAT! A yma.

"1 hear yoor Unele Em ig hei« on • vUt," Mid tht
groeeiy man to the bwl boy. "I anppoaa 70a hara bm
having a high old time. Then ia notbing that doea a boy
mow good than to have a niee Tiait with a good onele, and
hear him tell about old timet when ha and tba boy 'a f«t hfr
were boya together."

"WaU I dmit know about it," aaid the boy, aa he took
• "tfak of macaroni, and began to Uow paper wa-b
ttion^ H at a wood lawyer, who waa filing a aaw outaide
the door. '"Whan a b«y who haa been tough haa got hk
pina all aet to reform, I dont think it doea him any good
to have a real nice Uncle come to the houae viaiting. Any
way, that*! my ezperienoe. I have baekalid the wont way,
and h'* going to take me a month after Uaala Enm goea
away to climb ap to the graco that I have fallen from. It
ia darn diaconraging," aaid the boy, aa ha looked up to
the ceiling in an innocen', eort of way, and hid the maca-
roni under bia coat when the wood lawyer who had been
hit in the neck, dropped his saw and got up mad.

"^Vhat'a the tronblet Tour unele haa the reputation
where he lives of being one of the pillars of sodety. But
you can't teU about these feUowi when they get away
from home. Does he drinkt"

"No, he don't drink; but aa near aa I can figure, he and
Fa were about the worst p ils in the box, when they weie
3w<»g- I don't want you to repeat it, but when Pa and

•«c»oeorr msoiution mi chait

(ANSI and ISO TtST CHART No. 2)

mmik^

A APPLIED ItVHGE li

_^^K I6SJ Eotl litain sir**)

JM^ Boch»it«r, New Yofk 14609 USA

^KS C^'B} «a2 - 0300 - Phon*

^^^S <^'C) ZB8 - 5989 - Fan

THZ QBOCKBT lUM AND

Ha wera mwried they eloped. Yes, sir— aotuaUy ran «way
and defied their parente— and they had to hide abont a
week, for fear Ma'a father wovdd ffll Pa so fuU of cold
lead that he would ejnk if he feU in the water. Pa haa

OBiMDVATHSB'S SHOT OUM.

been kicked over the fence and chased down alleys doient
of times hy Ma's grandfather, when he was sparking Ma,
and Ma was a terror, too, 'cause her mother cooldnH do
ai^thing with her, thongh she is awful precise now, and

raOK'8 BAD Bor.

wanta eyeryhoiy to be too good. Why, Ha's mother mad
to wann her ean, and ahake the dayli^ta ont of her, but
it didnt do any good. She waa maahed on Pa, and there
iraa no onre for her ezeept to have Pa preaoribed for her
aa a husband, and they ran away. Unole Ezra told m*
all about it Ifo haint got any patience with girla now
dayi that have minda of their own abont fellowi, and she
thinks she knows all about it But when people get in
love it is the same now aa when Pa and Ma were trying
to keep out of the leaeh of my grandfather's shot gun.
But Pa and Uncle Ezra and Ma are good friends, and they
talk over old times and haye a big laugh. I guess Uncle
Ezra was too muoh for Pa in joking 'vHien they were boy^
'cause Pa told me that all rules against joking were sus-
pended while Uncle Ezra was here, and for me to play
anything on him I could. I told Pa I was tiying to lead
a different life, but he said what I wanted to do was to
make Umde Ezra think' of old times, and the only way was
to keep him on the ragged edge. I thought if there was
anything I could do to make it pleasant for my Uncle, it
waa my duty to do it, so I fixed the bed alato on the spare
bed BO they would fall down at 2 A. M. the first night, and
then I retired. At two o'eloek I heard the awfnleat noise
in the spare room, and a howling and screaming, and I
wuit down to meet Unde Ezra in the hall, and he asked
me what waa the matter in there, and I aaked him if he
didnt sleep in the spare room, and he said no, that Pa
and Ma was in there, and he slept in their room. Then
we went in the spare room and you'd dide to see Pa. Ma
had jumped out when the alats first fell, and was putting
her hair up in curl p^>ers when we got in, but Pa i»a all
tangled up in the springs and things. His head had gone
down flret, and the mattress cuid <pa^*» rolled over him, and
he waa almost smotiiered, and we had to take the bedstead

THK OBOOBBT IfAM AMD

down to get him out the ynj 7"^ •>•▼• ** unhamew a
hone when he ran sway and f alli down before you oan get
him np. Pa waa mad, but Unde Ezra laughed at him, and
told him he waa only f onndeied, and all he wanted waa a
bran maah and aome hone liniment, and he would come
out all right Uncle Ezra went out into the hall to get a
pail of water to throw on Pa, 'cause he aaid Pa waa afire,
when Pa asfca me why in Uazea I didn't fix the other bed
slats, and I told him I didn't know they were going to
change beds, and then Pa said dnnt let it occur afcain.
Pa lays everything to me. He is the moet changeable man
I ever saw. He told me to do everything Uncle Ezra
wanted me to do, and then, when I helped Uncle Ezra
to play a joke on Pa, he waa mad. Say, I don't think thia
world is run ri^t, do yout I havent got much time to
talk to you to-day, 'canae Uncle Ezra and me are going
fishing, but don't it rtrike you that it is queer that parents
tronnee bqya for doing just what they did themselves f
Now, I have got a friend whoae father ia a lawyer. That
lawyer would wann hia boy well if he diould tell a lie or
associate with anybody that waa bad, and yet the lawyer
will defend a man he knows ia gniNy of stealing, and get
him clear and take the money he got from the thief, who
stole it, to buy the same boy a new eoat to wear to church,
and he will defend a man who committed murder, and
make an argument to the jury that will bring tean to
their eyes, and they will dear the murderer. Queer, ain't
itf And say, how ia it that we send miarionariea to Bnr-
'' mah, to convert them from heathenism, and the same
vessel that takes the niiasi«Hiarie« there carriea from Boston
a cargo of tin gods to sell to the heathen! Why wouldn't
it be better to send the missionaries to Boston t I think
the more a boy learns the more he gets mixed."
"Well, how's your theatre 1 Have any of the great

peck's bad bot. 86

Mton inpported you latdyl" laid the grooeiy man, to
ehange the lobjeet

"No, we are all off on vaeationi. Booth and Barrett,
and lot! of the atan, are gone to Enrope, and the reit
work down to leas hi^^-ttmed placea. Some of the theatre

KT mraut woLk m pbrtt bough.

girla ai« waiteia at aammer renrti, and loti are vinting
r«datiT«B m Urmt. I tell yon, it make* a difhrenoe
whether the nlatirea are Tinting yon or yon are viaiting
Aetora and intrwiM Ctd awfully idMn an old

\ tmoamr MAX AMD

gnagtt oomM to town wbtn thij u* playing, and wanti
to IM them. Thqr we tihanied of hii homaipnn olothM,
and eowhide booti, and thqr want to meet him in an alley
tomewhere, or in the baaement of the theatre, lo other
aetori will not laugh at their ron^ relattvea, bat when the
eeaaon is over an aotor who oan remember a lelatiTe
ont on a fans, ia tieUed to desHi, and the granger ia all
right eooni^ there, and the aotor doea not tiiink of the
ron{^ nirtmeg grater handa, and the bliatered noee, aa long
as the granger relstive will put np fried port: and things,
acd 'sapport' the aetor. iSj IJnele E^ra is pretty rough
and it nukea me tired sometimes when I urn down town
with him to hava him go into a store where there are girl
olerks and aak what things are for, that I know he don't
want, and make the girls blnsh, but he ia a good-hearted
old man, and he and me are going to make a mint of
money dnring the vaeation. He lives near a sommer resort
hotel, and haa a stream that is full of minnows, end we
are going to catoh minnows and sell them to the Jndes for
fish bait He asys some of the fools will pay ten eenti
apieee for minnows, so if we sell a million minnows, ve
inake a fortune. I am eoming baok in September, and will
bny ont your groeeiy. Soy, let me have a ponnd of raidns^
and 111 piv yon when I sell my nnole's minnows."

fwk'b bad bot.

CHAPTER XVn.

BB DIBOUaSM THMLOOT.

"Wliat are .yon ritting there for s lulf-ui-honr for, itat^
ing at TaeancyT" laid the groceiy man to the bad boy, ai
he lat on the itool by the itoTe one of theee foggy mom-
ingi, when everybody feela like qaarreling, wHh Ui flngen
clasped around hia knee, looking ai thoogh he did not
know enongh to lart him to bed. "What yon thfaHng
r/ooat anywayt"

"I was wondering where yon wonid hitn been t»<h^
if Noah had nin his ark into saeh a fog as this, and there
had been no fog-horn on Mount Ararat, and he had passed
by with his excursion and not made a landing, and had
floated around on the fre«het until all the animals starved,
and the ark had struck a snag and buret a hole in its hot-
torn. I tell you, we can all congratulate ourselves that
Noah happened to blunder on that hig^ ground. If that
ark had been lost, either by being foondered, or being
Mowed up by the Fenians beeause Noah was an Bn^iah-
man, it would have been cold work trying to populate this
world. In that case another Adam and Eve would have to
be made out of dirt and water, and they might have gone
wrong again and failed to raise a family, and where wouM
we have been. I tell yon when I think of the narrow
ssc^ea we have had, it is a wonder to me that we have
got along as well as we have."

"Well, when did you get out of the atylnmt" said the
gnrnery man, who had been standing ba«& wUh hta month

THB OBOdBT XAM AMD

open, looking at the boy m thoagh he wu oraijr. "What
yon want if to have yoor head soaked. Yon are getting ao
TOO naeh ont too far with that small mind of jronrs. In
abont another year 70a will want to ran this world jronr-
■elf. I don't think you are reforming veiy mnoh. It is
wicked for a boy yonr size to argue abont snch thingi.
Toor folks better send yon to oollege."

"What do I want to go to college for, and be a heartlets
hawr, and a poor baseball player t I can be bad enough
at home. The more I read, the more I think. I don't
believe I can ever be goc " enoagh to go to heaven aivfway,
and I guess I-will go into the newspaper buaincH where
thcty don't have to be good, and where fhey have passes
eveiywhere. Do yon know, I think when i was built th^
left ont a oog wheel or something in my head. I can't
think like some boys. I get to thinking abont Adam and
Bve in the garden of Eden, and of the Dade with the
cloven hoof that flirted with Eve, and treated her and
Adam to the dried apples, and I can't think of them as
wme boya do, with a flg leaf polonaise, and flg leaf vests.
I iaagiiM thnn dressed up in the latest style. I know it
is wrong, but that is what a poor boy has to suffer who has
an imagination, and where did I get the imaginationt
This eonfoiiBded imagination of mine shows me Adam with
a ping hat on, just like oar minister wears, and a stand-up
collar, and ti{^ pants, and peaked-toed shoes, and Eve is
piotared to me with a cmshed-ang^e-worm colored dress,
and brown striped stockings, and newspapers in her dress
to make it lOtk out, and a hat with dandelions on, and a
red parasol, and a lace handkerchief, which she puts to i
her lips and winks with her left ^e to the masher who is'
staadfaig by the comer of the house, in an attitude, lAile
the taU wifli fite dart on the end is woond around the
win water barrel so Bve noa't see it and get seared.

noK'B Bis Bor. 89

BV d anty wi think it ii better for a b«7 to tMnfc of ou
tet panoti iwith elotbei on, titan to fUnk of them •Imoit
naked, ezpoaed to the inelemeney of the weather, with
nothing bnt fig leavM pinned ont I want to do ri^t, as
near aa I ean, bnt I had rather think of them dreaaed like
onr folk! are hnJajr, than to think of them in a eyelone
^ learea for wearing apparel. Sajr, il ia wrong to fight,
bnt don't yon think if Adam had pnt on a pair of boxing
i^orea, when he foond the deril waa getting too freah
about the pUee, and knocked him ont in a eonple of
nmnda, and pasted him in the noae, and fired him ont of
the sommer garden, that it would hare been a big thing
far this world. Jfow, honeatt"

"Look-a-here," laid the groeeiy man, who had been
hxAing at the b<7 in diamay, "Ton better go ri^t hone,
and let your Ma fix up some warm drink for you, and pnt
you to bed. Ton are aU wrong in the head, and if you are
net attended to you wiU have brain fever. I tell you, boy,
yon are in danger. Come, I wiU go home with you."

"O, dMiger nothin'. I am just teUing yon how Oings
look toab<?jririiohaa not gotthe faeiUtiea for being too
good in hii youth. Some b«yi ean take things as they
read than, and not think any for themselves, but I am
a Thinker from Thinkersvffle, and my imagination plays
the diekens with me. There is nothing I read about old
timea, bnt what I eompare it with the same line of bonneaa
at the present day. Now when I think of the fishermen
of Qalilee, drawing their seines, I wonder what th^ would
have done if there bad been a law aganst hanling adnes,
aa thwe is in Wisconsin to^ay, and I ean see a eonstable
with a warrant for the amst of the Galilee fishermen,
■Mtehing the old aposdes and taking them to the polioe
atation in a patrol wagon. I know it is wrong to think like
that, bnt how ean I help ttt Say, suppose those fidunmen

TBI moawn iun amd

had been out hanUiig their Minci, and oar miiiktar ihoald
eonie along with hi* good elothct on, hi* jointed rod, hie
niekel-pUted reel, and hia lilk flah line, and hie patent ilah
hook, and pnt a frog on the hook and eaat hi* line near the
OaUlae llaheraun and go to trolling for baa*. What do
70a rappoae the lone flaherman of the Bible time* would

KNOW it's wrong to THIMK bo, but how OAH I HELP ITf

haye thought about the gall of the jointed rod flahermant
Do yon aappoae they wonld have thrown atonea in the
water where he waa trolling, or wonld they haye told him
there was good trolling aroxmd a point abont half a mile
np the ahore, where they knew he wouldn't get a bite in a
week, the way a fellow at Mnakego Lake lied to our miniater

nOKli BiDBOr.

• ipdlacof I «1 you, boii, it W a ■»! llifat for « Iwy to
luTe tn imagination," and the Ikq- pot Ua othar kaaa iv
the aling made by tlia olenohad flngen of iMHt taaii, Mi
waited for the groeeiy man to argoa ».."• him.

"I wiah you would go away from her" I am afraid of
you," laid the groMry man. "I would giro anything if
your Pa or the miniiter would eome in and haTe a talk
with you. Tour mind ia wandering," and the groeery nun
went to the door and looked up and down the atraet to
aee if aomebody wouldn't eooie in and wateh the eraiy
boy, while he went to oreakfMt

"0, Pa and the miniater can't maio a flnt payment on
me. »>• gets mad wh«a I aik queationi, and the miniater
ttinka 1 un paat redemption. Pa aaid yeaterday thitt
baldneaa waa eauaed, in every oaie, by man 'a wearing plug
hata, and when I aaked him where the good Bliaha (whom
the boya called 'go up old bald head,' and the beara had a
free luneh on them), got hia plug hat. Pa aaid aehool waa
diami»ed and I eould go. When the miniater wm telling
me about the good Elijah going up throu«^ the elonda it
a ohariot of Are, and I aaked the miniater what he thoo^
Elijah would have thought if he had met our Sunday
aehool inperintendent coming down thiou^ the elouda
on a biqrcle, he put hia hand on my head and aaid my lirar
waa aU wrong. Now, I will leave it to yon if than waa
«Vthing wrong about thatt Say, do ywn know what I
think la the moat beautiful thing ir the BiUet"

"No, I don't," aaid the grooeiy man, "and if yom want
to teU it, I will liaten jnat five minutea, and than I am

going to ahut up the atore and go t teeakf aat Ton make
me tired."

"Well, I think the fineat thing ia that atoiy about the

prodigal aon, and where the boy took aU the mon^y ha oonld
■wape up and went out Weat to paiot the town red. Ha

•na moamr uak un

ipwt kta moMif in itotoM IMnK and KW tfWTtUng that
WM floinv an, and got foil of bmiiiM, and ttrnek all tha
■aafi of too^^ both mala and tamala, and Ua itoDUMh
want back on bim, and ha bad malaria, and ifauUy ha got
to ba a aowbtqr, hardinghop^ and hadtoaathiukathatth*
pip didn't want, and got pratt^ low down. Than ha
thoniM it waa a piattgr good lehama to ba gatting aroond

WIMUttT HI OOf «0

hooMk when Hucr had three meala a daj, and i^ring mat-
tiaaaaa; and lie atartad home, beating him mj on traina,
and ha didnt know whether the old man wonld Teedre
him with open azma or pointed booti; bnt the old man
to the dapot to meet Ua, and rig^ llMn,

nOE't BAD MT.

bafon tht pMMBim, and Iht condoalor and bnkMnm, Im
wint Mhaimd of Ua bogr, thon^ h* wu nnii, aiid
lookMl M thon^ h« had baa on tha war path; and tha
old man f aU on Ua naek and wapt, and todt him boma in
a haak, and had vaal pot pia f or dinner. That'a what I
aallaHiaa. A food naaj man now daja wonid haTa pat tha
poUea oo tha tramp and had him ordarad ont of town.
What, aia jm going to aloaa np tha atorat WeU, I wiU aaa
yog latar. I want to talk with 70a abont aomathing that
ia wai^iing on my mind," and tha boj got «nit joat in
tima to aava hia eoat tail from baing ean^t in the door,
and when the gtoeery man eama baek from biaakfaat he
fonnd a aign in front:

THIS STOBE 18 GLOBED TILL
rUBTBEB NOTICE.

SHEBIFr.

THB OBOCBT IflN IHD

OHAPTBB XVm

THB DIPISISD BOOBTBB.

"Wl^y dont yon take an iee piok and dean the dirt out
from under yonr finger naibt" fsaid the grooety man to
the bad b^, ai he oame into the store and stroked the eat
the wnwg way aa ahe li^ in the aim on the eonnter, on a
qaire of manilla paper.

"Oant remove the dirt for thirty days — ^it is an emblem
of mourning. Had a fnneral at onr house, yesterdqr,"
and the boy took a pickle oat of a tub and put it in the
eat'i month, and shnt her teeth together on it, and then
went to the dioweaae, while the gioeery man, whose baok
had been tamed daring the pickle exercise, thooght by
the way the eat jnmped iato the dried apple barrel and
began to paw and scratch with all four of her feet, and
yowl, that she was jroing to have a fit

"I hadnt heard abont it," said the groceiy man, as he
took the eat by the neck and tossed her out in the back
shed into an <dd oyster box fall of sawdast, with a parting
injnnetion iliat it she was going to have fits she had better
go oat wheia there waa plenty of fresh air. "Death is
always a sad thing to oontemplate. One day we are fall
of health and joy and cold vietaals, and the next we are
■erawed down in a box, a few words are said over oar
xamains, a few tear* shed, and there is a race to see who
riMll get baek from the cemeteiy first; and thongfr we may
think we are an important factor in the world'a progreai,
and sometimes feel aa thon(^ it wonld be nnable to pat np

nCK'a BAD BOT.

margini, and have to stop the deal, the world goes right
along, and it most annoy people who die to realize that
th^ don't count for game. The greatest man in the world
ia only a nine spot when he is dead because somebody else
takes the trick the dead man ought to have taken. But,
say, who is dead at your house t"

"Our rooeterl Take care, don't you hit me with that
canvassed hami" said the bqy as the grocery man looked
mad to learn that there was nobody dead but a rooster,
when he had preached such a sermon on the sabject. "Tes,
how soon we are forgotten when we are gone. Now, yon
would have thought that rooster's hen would have
remained faithful to him for a week at least I bave
watched them all the spring, and I never saw a more per-
fect picture of devotion than that between the bantam
rooster and his hen. They were constantly together and
there was nothing too good for her. He would dig up
angle worms and call her, and when she came up on a
gallop and saw the great big worm on the ground, she
would look so proud of her rooster, and he would straigthen
up and look as though he was saying to her, 'I'm a dai^,'
and then she would look at him as if she would like to bite
him, and just as she was going to pick up the worm he
would snatch it and swallow it himself, and chueUe and
walk around and be full of business, as though wondering
why she didn't take the worm after he had dug it for her,
and then the hen would look disappointed at first, and then
she would look resigned, as much as to say, 'Worms are too
rich for my blood anyway, and the poor dear rooster needs
them more than I do, because he has to do all the crowing;'
and she would go off and find a grasshopper and eat it on
the sly for fear he would see her and complain because she
didn't divide. O, I have never seen anything that seemed
to me so human as the relations between that rooster and

TBI OBOOBBY HAM AMD

hen. He ieemed to try to do everything lor her. He would
make her rtop cackling when die laid an egg, and he would
try to cackle, and crow over it as though he had laid it, and
■he would get off in a comer and duck in a modest, retiring
manner, as though she wished to convey the idea to the
servant girls in the kitchen that the rooster had to do all
the hard work, sad she was only a useless appendage, fit
only for society and company for him. Bnt I was dis-
gusted with him when the poor hen was setting. The first
week that she sat on the eggs he seemed to get along first-
rate, because he had a couple of flower beds to dig up,
whidi a press of business had caused him to negleet before,
and a couple of neighbors' gardens to destroy, so he seemed
to be glad to have his hen retire to her boudoir to set, but
after he had been shooed out of the gardens and fiower
beds he seemed to be nervous, and evidently wanted to be
petted, and he world go near the hen and she would seem
to tell him to go and take a walk around the block, because
she hadn't time to leave her business, and if she didn't
attend to it they would have a lot of spoiled egp on their
hands, and no family to bring up. He would sodd, sad
seem to teU her that it was aU foolishness, that for his part
he didnt want to hear a lot of chickens squawking around.
He would seem to argue with her that a brood of chickens
would be a dead give-away on them both, and they would
be at once daased as old folks, while if they were alone in
the world th^ would be spring chickens, and could go in
young society, but the hen would scold back, and teU him
he ought to be ashamed of himself to talk that way, and he
would go off mad, and snlk around a spell, and then go to
a neighbor's hen house and sometimes he wouldn't come
back till the next day. The hen would be sorry ahe had
spoken so oross, and would seem pained at his going away
and would look anxiously for his return, and when he came

fxck'8 bad bot.

back after being out in the rain all nii^t, the would be
■olieitiana after hig health, and tell him he on^t to wrap
KHnething around him, but he acted as though he didn't
care for his health, and he would go out again and get
chilled through. Finally the hen come off the nest with
ten ohiekens, and the rooster seemed very proud, and when
anybody eame out to have a look at them he would crow,
and seemed to say th^ were all his ohiekens, though the
hen was a long time hatching them, and if it had been him
that was setting on them he could have hatched them out
in a week, or died a tiying. But the exposure told on him,
and he went into a decline, and one morning we found him
dead. Do you know, I never see a hen that seemed to
realiae a calamity as she did. She looked pale, and her
«yes looked red, and the seemed to be utterly crushed. If
the ehiekena, which were so young they oonld not realize
that they were little orphans^ bectune noisy, and got to
pulling and hauling over a wonn, and conducted ttiem-
advea in an unseemly manner she would talk to them in
hen language, with tears in her cgres, and it was a picture
of woe. But the next day a neighboring rooster got to
lotting through the f enee from the alley, and trying to
flirt with her. At first she was indi^iut, and seoned to
tell him he oue^t to go about his business, and leave her
alone, but the dude kept clucking, and pretty soon the
widowed hen edged up toward the fence, and adced him to
OMue in, but the hole in the fence was too small for him,
and then the chickens went out in the alley, and the hen
followed them out I shall always think she told the
ehiekens to go out, so she would have an excuse to go after
them, and flirt with the rooster, and I think it is a perfeet
shame. She is out in the all^y half the time, and I could
enff her. It seems to me wrong to so soon forget a deceased
rooster, but I suppose a hen ean't be any more than

TBI aiOOIBT MAM iMO

Inunan. Btf, joa don't want to \mj • detd rooiter 4o yout
Ton eonld piek it and aell it to lomabody that owm 700.
for a q>riiig ehiekan.

"No, T don't want any deeeaMd ponltiy, tliat died of
grief, and 70a better go liome and watoh 70ar hen, or you
TTill be bereaved aome more," and the grocery man went
ont in the ihed to aee if the eat waa over ito flt, and when
he eame Ymek the bQ7 waa gone, and after a while the
groeery man aaw a erowd 4n' front of the store and he went
ont and found the dead rooster l7ing on the vegetable
stand, with a paper pinned on its breast on which was a
sign:

THIS BU8TES DIED OF OOLIX

FOR BALE CBEAP
TO BOABDINO HOUSE ONLY.

He took the dead nmster and tiirew it out in the street,
and looked up and down the street for the bad bo7, and
went in and hid a raw hide where he could reach it hand7.

nOSlB SID BOT.

CHAPTHBXEK.

om Mon joKB OK ram out iuk.

"I we yonr Pa wheeling the bal^ anmnd a good deal
lately," «aid the groceiy in|ui to the bad boy, as he eame in
the itote one evening to buy a stick of striped peppermint
candy for the baby, while his Pa stopped the baby wagon
out on the sidewalk and waited for the boy, with an ex-
prearion of resignation on his face.

"What's got into yonr Pa to be norse girl this hot
wenOert"

"0, we have had a einma at onr hoaae," said the boy, as
he eame in after putting the candy in the baby's hand.
"Ton see. Uncle Ezra came back from Chicago, where he
had bean to sell some cheese, and he stopped over a
couple of days with us, and he said we must play one mon
joke on Pa before he went home. We played it, and it is a
wonder I am aUve, because I nerer saw Pa so mad in my
life. Now this is the last time I go into any jokes on shares.
If I play any more jokes I don't want any old unele to
give me away."

"What is itt" said the grocery man, as he took a stool
and shC out by the front door beaide the toy who was trying
to eat a box of red raspberries on tbe sly.

"Well, uncle Ezra and me bribed the nurse girl to dress
up the baby one evening in some old, dirty baby clothes,
belonging to our wash woman's baby, and we put H in a
baaket and placed the basket on the front door step, and
put a note in the badtet and addressed tt to Pa. W« had

100

THB OROOIBT lUM AKD

the noTM girl ctay ont in front, by the buement itairs, m
the babjr oonldnt get away and ihe rang the bell and got
behind aomething. Ma and Pa, and Unele Ezra and ine
were in the back parlor when the bell rang, and Ma told
me to go to the door, and I brought in the baaket, and let it
down, and told Pa there waa a note in it for him. Ma, ahe
came np and looked at the note aa Pa tore it open, and
Uncle Ezra looked in the basket and aij^ied. Pa read part
of the note and stopped and tamed pale, and sat down,
then Ma read some of it, and ahe didn't feel very well, and
she leaned against the piano and grated her teeth. The
note was in a girl's handwriting, and waa like this :

"Old Bald Hiadkd Pki : —

Ton will have to take oare of
your ebild, beoause I cannot Bring it np tenderly, and
don't, for heaven's sake, send it to the Foundling Asylnm.
I shall go drown myself.

Toar loving,

"What did your Ma sayf" said the grocery man, be-
eoming interested.

"0, Ma played her part well. Uncle Ezra had told her
the joke, and she said, ' 'retch,' to Pa, just as the actresses
do on the stage, and put her handkerchief to her qrea. Pa
said it was 'false,' and Undo Ezra said, 'O, brother, that I
should live to see this day,' and I said, aa I looked in the
basket, 'Pa, it looks just like you, and IT! leave it to Ma.'
That was too much, and Pa got mad in a minute. He al-
ways gets mad at me. But he went np and looked in the

nCK's BAD BOT.

101

basket, and he said it was some Dntch baby, and waa evi-
dently from the lower itrata of society, and the nnnatnral
mother wanted to get rid of it, and he said he didn't know

0, BBOTHBB, THAT I SHOULD UVB TO 8m THIS DAT.

any 'Almira' at aU. When he caUed it a Dutch baby, and
ealled attention to its irregolar features, that made Ma
mad, and she took it up out of the basket and told Pa it
waa a perfect picture of him, and tried to put it in Pa's

KAN Am

MBW, 'imt ha wonldnt httn it, and Mid he woald sail the
police and h»Te it taken to Ihe poor home. Unole Bxra
took Pa in a corner and told him the beet thing he oonld
do would be to lee 'Almira' and oompromiae with her, and
that made Pa mad, and he waa going to hit Unole Bara
with a chair. Pa waa perfectly wild, and if he had a gun I
gncH he would have shot all of na. Ma took the bahy up
itain and had the girl put it to bed, and after Pa got mad
enon^ Unole Ezra told him it waa all a joke, and it waa
hii own baby, that we had put in the baaket, and then he
waa madder than ever, and he told Uncle Ezra never to
darken his door again. I don't know how he made up
with Ma for calling it a Dutch baby from the Polack aettle-
ment, but anyway, he wheeb it around every day, and Ma
and Pa have got so they apeak again."

"That waa a mighty mean trick, and yon ought to be
aahamed of yourself. Where do yon expect to fetch up
when you diet" said the grocery man.

"I told Unde Eira it was a mean trick," aaid the boy,
"but he aaid that wasn't a priming to some of the tricks Pa
had played on him years ago. He says Pa used to play
tricks on everybody. I may be mean, but I never played
wicked jokes on blind people aa Pa did when he waa a boy.
Uncle Bar* says once there was a party of four blind vooal-
ista, all girls, gave an entertainment at the town where Pa
lived, and they stayed at the hotel where Pa tended bar.
Another thing I never aold mm, either, as Pa did. Well,
before the blind vocalista went to bed Pa caught a lot of
frogc and put them in the beda where the girls were to
sleep, and when the poor blind girls got into bed the frogs
hopiwd over them, and the way they got out was a caution.
It is bad enoni^ to have frogs hopping all over girla that
can see, but for girls that are deprived of their eight, and

ncK'i UD aor.

108

don't know what anything ii, ezeapt bj the fMling of it,
it looks to me like a pretty tongh joke. I gneM Pa ia tony
now for wliat he did, 'oanie when onele Eira told the ftt)g
■tory, I bron^t home a frog and pnt it in Pa'i bed. Pa
hat been afraid of paralyiia for yean, and when hia leg, or
anything get* asleep, he thinks that ia the end of him.
Before bedtime I tamed the oonvenation onto paralysis,
and told abont a man about Pa's age having it on the West
Side, and Pa was nervotis, and soon after he retired I gness
the frog wanted to get acquainted with Fa, 'cause he yelled
six kinds of murder, and we went into hia room. Tou
know how cold a frog is t Well, you'd dide to sAe Pa. He
laid still, and said his end had oomj, and Uncle Bcra aaked
him if it was the end with the head on nr the feet, and Pa
told him paralysis had marked him for a yietim, and he
eonld feel that his left leg was beeoming dead. He said
he could feel the cold, clammy hand of death walking up
him, and he wanted Ma to put a bottle of hot water to his
feet Ha got the bottle of hot water and put it to Pa's
feet, and the cork eame out and Pa said he was dead, sure
enough, now, because he was hot in the extremities, and
that a cold ware was going up his leg. Ha asked him
where the cold wave was, and he told her, and she thought
she would rub it, but she began to yell the same kind of
murder Pa did, and she said a snake bad gone up her
sleeve. Then I thought it was time to stop the circus, and
I reached up Ha's lace sleeve and caught the frog by the
leg and pulled it out, and told Pa I guessed he had taken
my frog to bed with him, and I showed it to him, and then
he said I did it, and he would maul me so I could not get
up alone, and he said that a boy that would do such a thing
would go to hell as sure as preaehin', and I asked him if
he thought a man who put frogs in the beds with blind

TBB OMXnBT MAK AMD

(iito, wban he wm ■ boy, wonld get to heaTMi, and tkn
he told me to lite ont, and I lit I gn«M Pa wiU fed better
when Uncle Bn» go«i away, 'oanee he thinki Unole Bira
talki too nrach alwnt old timea. Well, here oomea oar baby
wagon, and I gneai Pa hai done penanoe long enon^ and
I will go and wheel the kid awhUe. Say, you oall Pa in,
after I take the baby wagon, and tell him yon don't know
how he wonld get along without luch a nice boy ai me, and
yon can charge it in our next month's bill."

nOB's MM MT.

106

OHAPTBB XZ.

rainfra or jd(.t Kouoymrnnm.

"Here, ocaulenm yon, yon will pay for that eat," laid
Um gtoeery man to the bad boy, a* ke eame in the store all
hreke np, the morning after the 4th of July.

"What oatt" laid the boy, ai he leaned againit the
aine iee box to eool hii back, whidi had been having trouble
with a bnneh of Are eraeken in hia piatol poeket. "We
kaTsnt ordered any eat from here. Who oidered any cat
lent to onr honaet We get onr lanaage at the market,"
and the boy rubbed lome eold oream on hia note and eye-
browi whare the akin waa off.

"Tm, that ia all ri|^t enoni^," aaid the groeeiy man,
"but noMbody who knew where that oat alept, in .the box
«t aawdnat, back of the (tore, filled it full of fire oraokeni,
W adneaday forenoon, when I was ont to see the procession,
aad never notified the eat, and tonehed them off, und the
eat went throat the roof of the shed, and she hain't got
hair anoo^ left on her to put in tea. Now, you didn't
ahow up all the forenoon, and I went and asked your Ma
where you was, and she said yon had been sitting up four
Bi(^ atrnif^t along with a sick boy in the Third Ward,
aad yon was deeping all the forenoon the 4th of July. If
that is so, that lets yon out on the oat, but it don't stand to
reaaon. Own np, now, was you asleep all the forenoon, the
4th, while c*her bqys were celebrating, or did yon seorch
By cati" and the grooeiy man looked at the boy as tliongh
he would beUare every word he said, if he tooi bad.

106

TBB OMCBrr UJM Am

"Well," Mid tlM Iwd boj M h* yawiMd M thouth ht hsd
boan ap all nii^t, "I am iimooant of •> tine vp with Jtm
ast,lmtIplMdgiiUi7toiittiiiciipwiaiDDi(r. Tmm«,I
tm bad, and it don't make any diflarenoa wlwn I am, and
Dni^ thnmped me onoe when we were plajing maihlw,
and I ' ' I would get eren with him iome time. Hi* Ma
waahaa for at, and when ihe told me that her boy wu iieic
with ferer, and had nobody to itay with him while ihe wa*
away, I thought it wonld bo a good way to get even with
DnSy, when he waa weak, and I went down there to hie
•hanty and gave him his medicine, and read to him all
day, and he cried 'eauie he knew I ou^t to hare manled
him, and that night I lat np with him while his Ha did the
ironing, and Dntty was so glad that I went down every day
and stayed there every night, and fired medicine down
him, and let his Ma aleef', and Dxdty has got mashed on
me, and he says I will be an angel when I die. Last night
makes five ni^ts I have sat np with him, and he has got so
he ean eat beef tea and eraoken. My girl went baek on
ma 'eanse she said I was sitting np with some other girL
She said that Duffy story was too thin, but Dnlly's Ma wu
WMhing at my girl's house and she proved what I said,
and I was all right again. I slept all the forenoon the 4th,
and then stayed with Du£Cy till four o'doek, and got a
furlough and took my girl to the Soldiers' Home. I had
rather set up with Dnfl>: though."

"0, get out. Yon can't make me believe you had rather
stay in a sick room and set up with a boy, than to take a
girl to the 4th of July," said the grocery man, as he took a
brush and wiped the sawdust off some bottles of pepper-
sauce that he was taking out of a box. "Yon didn't have
any trouble with the girl, did you t "

"No,— net with her," said the boy, as he looked into the
littie round zinc mirror to see if his eye br ows were begin-

noKt •Aoaor.

lo;

ningtogMw. "But hw P» to lo nnwMo n i bl e, I think •
gun 00^ to know betttr than to Uek • bof ri|^ wImn
h* hai had • paek • Art onekm Mplode in Ua poektt
Ton Me, when I broni^t the girl baek home, (he wm •
wreek. Dont yon erer take a girl to the 4th of July.
Take the adTioe of a boy who haa expwienee. "We hadn't
more than got to the Soldton' Home ground before aome
boja who were plajring tag grabbed hold of nqr giri't
emihed-atrawber^ polonaiee and ripped it off. That
made her mad^and ihe wanted me to take offenie at it, and
I tried to reaion with the boys and they both jumped on
me, and T lee the only way to get oat of it honorably, was
to get out real spry, and I got out Then we sat down
under a tree, to eat lunch, and my girl swallowed a piekle
the wrong way, and I pounded her oii the back, the way
Ma uoes when I ohoke, and she yelled, and a polieeman
grabbed me and shook me, and asked me what I was hurt-
ing that poor girl for, and told me if I did it again he
would airest me I Everything went wrong. After dark
somebody llred a Soman candle into my girl's hat, and
set it on fire, and I grabbed the hat and stamped on it,
and spoiled the hair her Ma bought her. By gosh, I
thoui^t her hair was curly, but when the wig waa olf , her
hair was as straight as conld be. But she was party, all
the same. We got under another tree, to get away from
the smell of burned hair, and a boy set oil a nigger ehaser,
and it ran rif^t at my girl's feet, and bnmed her stock-
inga, and a woman put the Are out for her, while I looked
^r the hay tiiat fired the nigger ehaser, but I didn't want
to find him. She waa pretty near a wreck by that time,
thooi^ she had all her dress left except the polonaise, snd
we went and sat under a tree in a quift place, and I put
my arm anmnd her and told her never to mind the aed-
dents, 'cause it would be dark when we got home, and just

108

THI OROOEBT HAM UtD

then k ipark dropped down thiong^ the trees and fell in
my piatol pooket, ri{^t next to her, where my bonoh of
fire crackers was, and they began to go off. Well, I nevet
saw sneh a sight as she was. Her dress was one of these
mosquito bar, cheese cloth dresses, and it bnmed just like
punk. I had pretence of mind enoa'jh to roll her on the
grass and pnt out the fire, bnt in doing that I neglected
my own conflagration, and when I got her put out, my
coat tail and tronsers were a total loss. My, bnt she looked
like a goose that had been picked, and I looked like a fire-
man that fell throngh a hatchway. My girl wanted to go
home, and I took her home, and her Fa was setting on the
front steps, and he wouldn't accept her, looking that way.
He said he placed in my possession a whole girl, clothed in
her right mind, and I had brought back a bomt offering
He teaches in oar Sunday school, and knows how to talk
pious, bnt his boots are ofFol thick. I tried to explain thr.t
I was not responsible for the fireworks, and that he could
bring in a bill against the government and I showed him
hovr I was bereaved of a coat tail and some pants, bnt he
wouldn't reason at all, and when his foot hit me I thought
it was the resurrection, sore, and when I got over the
fence, and had picked myself up, I never stopped till I
got to Dufi^'s and I set up with him, cause I thought okT
pa was after me, and I thought he wouldn't enter a sick
room and maul a watcher at the bedside of an invalid.
But that settles it with me about celebrating. I don't care
if we did whip the British, after declaring independence,
I don't want my pants burnt off. What is the declaration
of independence good for to a girl who loses her polonaise,
and has her hair burnt off, and a nigger chaser burning
her stockings : No, sir, they may talk about the glorions
4th of July, bnt will it bring back that blonde wig, or re-
tail my cotttt Hereafter I am a rebel, and I w31 go oat

pcok's bad bot.

109

in the wood* the w^ Pa doei, and oome home with a
blaak eye, got in a rational way."

"What, did yonr Pa get a black eye, toot I hadn't
heard aboat that," laid the grooery man, giving the boy a
handful of unbaked peanuts to draw him oat. "Didnt
get to fleeting, did het"

"No, Pa dont fl^t It is wrong, he says, to fight, un-
less yon are sore yon can whip the fellow, and Pa always
gets whipped, so he quit fighting. Ton see, one of the
deaeons in our church lives out on a farm, and his folks
were going away to spend the 4th, and he had to do all the
chores, so he invited Pa and Ma to come out to the farm
and have a nice quiet time, and they went. There is
nothing Pa likes better than to go out on a farm, and pre-
tend he knows everything. When the fanner got Pa and Ha
out tiiere he set them to work, and Ma shelled peas while Pa
went to dig potatoes for dinner. I think it was mean for
the deacon to send Pa out in the com field to dig potatoes,
and set the dog on Pa, and tree him in i-a apple tree near
the bee hives, and then go and visit with Ma and leave Pa
in the tree with the dog barking at him. Pa said he never
knew how mean a deacon could be, until he had set on a
limb of that apple tree all the afternoon. About time
to do chores the farmer came and found Pa, and called the
dog off, and Pa came down, and then the farmer played
the meanest trick of alL He said city people didn't know
how to milk cows, and Pa said he wished he had as many
dollars as he knew how to milk cows. He said his speehulty
was milking kicking cows, and the farmer gave Pa a tin
pail and a milking stool and let down the bars, and pointed
out to Pa 'the worst eow on tiie place. ' Pa knew his repu-
tation was at stake, and he went up to the cow and punch-
ed it in the fiank and said, "hist, confound yon." Well,
the eow wasn't a liiiting cow, but a histing bull, and Pa

TBI OBOOIBT KAM iXB

kMW it w- . ta31 » qidok « he «. »* P"*^*!^"^
.Bd bdler. uid P. dropped the piUl «« ■*»?• «?*. ^
tethebi..«idthebuUafterP.. I dont ttank it inu

FA 'w»ra TO MO wtjoem torn wiwm.

right in M. to bet two shilling, with ti« tem" tij.t P.
3d get to the b«s befo« the ^^^'^"^^"JZ

the bet Pa iMd he knew it wm

I hall jnit u ioon Mthe

, /'^^P*

nOK'8 BAD BOT.

homa got tangled np in his coait tail, and when he stmck
on the other side of the ban, and his now hit the ash barrel
where they make lye for soap. Pa said he saw more &»
works than we did at the Solders' Home. Pa wnnldnt
celebrate any more, and he oame home after thanking the
farmer for his oonrtesies, bnt he wants me to borrow a gon
and go out with him hunting. We are going to shoot a
boll and a dog and some bees, maybe we will shoot the
farmer, if Pa keeps on as mad ab he is now. Well, we
won't have ano ler 4th of Jnly for a year, and may be by
that time my girl's polonaise and hair will grow ont, and
that boll may become gentle so Pa can milk it Ta-ta. "

112

TBX OBOOBBT MAM AND

CHAPTBE XXI.

WOBKINO ON SONSAY.

"HeUo " said the grooeiy man to the bad boy a» he
came in looking sick at heart, and aU broke up. "How u
your muscle thi« morning!"

"AU right enon^" «rid the boy with a look of inqMry,
as though wondering what wa« craning next "Whyt"

"O, nothing, only I was going to grind the hatchet, and
some knives and things, this morning, and I thought maybe
you would like to go out in the shed and turn the grind-
stone for me to develop your muscles. Tummg the gnnd-
itone is the healthiest thing a boy can do."

"That is an ri^it enou^" said the bad boy, aa he took
np a sweet cracker, "but please take a good look at me. Do
I look Uke a grindstone boyt Do I resemble a good httle
boy that can't say 'no,' and goes off and turns a grmd-
rtone half a day for some old duffer, who pays tan ly
giving him a handful of green currants, c- telling hun to
will be a man some day, and the boy goes oft one way, with
a lame back, while the good man goes the other way with
a sharp scythe, and a chuc^e at the softness of the boyt
Ton are mistsken in me. I have passed the grindrtone
period, and you will have to pick up another sardme who
has never done circular work. Not any grindstone for
Hennery, if you please."

"■Jon are getting too smart," said the grooery mim as he
charged a pound of sweet crackers to the boy's father.

nOK'S BAD BOT.

118

"Yoa don't have to torn the grinditone if yon don't want
to."

"That's what I thonght," says the boy aa he takes a
handfnl of blneberriea. "Ton grindstone sharps, who are
always laying for a fool boy to give tafl^ to, and get him
to break his back, don't play it fine eaoagk. Yon bear too
bard on the grindstone. I have seen the time when a man
oonld get me to torn the grindstone for him till the oows
oome home, by making me believe it waa fnn, and by tell-
ing me he never saw a boy that seemed to throw so mnoh
•nnl into turning a grindstone as I did, but I have fonnd
that sneh men are hypocrites. Th«y inveigle a bqy into
their nest, like the spider does the fly, and at first they
don't bear on hard, but jnst let the blade of tiie axe or the
sgythe touch the grindstone, and they make a boy believe
he is a bigger man than old Grant They bet him he will
get tiled, and he beta that he can turn a grindstone aa
long aa anybody, and when the boy has got his reputation
at stake, then they begin to bear on hard, and the boy gets
tired but he holds out, and when the tools are ground h«
says he is as freah as a daiqr, when he is tired enough to
die. Such men do more to teaoh- boys the hollownea of
the world, and its tricky features, than anything, and
th«y teach boys to know who are friends and who are foes.
No, sir, the best way is to hire a grown person to turn your
grindstone. I remember I tnmed a grindstone four hours
for a farmer once, and when I got t!ironc^ he said I could
go to the spring and drink all the water I w«iit«d for
nothing. He was the tightest man I ever saw. Why, ti^t!
That man waa tight enough to hold kerosene."

"That's all right Who wanted you to turn the grind-
.Btone, anyway t But what is it about y or Pa and Ma be-
ing turned out of chnreht I hear thqr SMndalized them-
selves horribly last Sunday."

114

THBOBooBr 1UX um

"WaU, jwi -«MM Mid my ehnm put np • )«* «»/• *°
iMto Urn thing STmd«y wM only Saturday «nd Ma ihe feU

into H, and I go«i we are aU going to get Awd *rom the
SS^ for wortog on Snnday. Ton «e a^<l«^ ^
mertin' laat Sunday becau« Ma', new bonnet h«ln t

IT WABK-* UWO "««■ ««J« «■«»** «"*«" °"™°°-

come, and Monday and Tuesday it rained, and the rert ol
r^eek waaT^uddy no one edled^ or ^^^jdd nrt
get anywhere. «) Monday I did out early and got the dw^
paperT »d <« Tu-^ n.y ohum he g(rt the paper off th.

pick'b bad bot.

itepi and pnt Hondagr's pap«r in iti plaoe. I watahed
when th«y were reading it, bat they did not notice the
date. Then Wedneadajr we pat TaeiMlay'i paper on the
itepi, and Pa aaid it leemed more than TneAlay, bnt ICa
■he got the paper of the day before and looked at the
date and said it aeemed so to her, bnt ihe gaeMed they
had lost a day lomehow. Thoieday we got Wedneeday'a
paper on the itepa, and Friday we rung in Thursday's
paper, and Saturday my ehnm he got Friday's paper on
the steps, and Ma said die guessed she would wash to-mor-
row, and Fa said he believed he woald hoe in the garden
and get the weeds out so it would look better to folks when
they went by Sunday to ehureh. Well, Sunday morning
eame, and with it Saturday's daily paper, and Pa barely
glaneed oyer it as he got on his OTeralls and went oat in his
shirt sleeves a-hoeing in the front garden, and I and my
ohnm helped Ma cany water to wash. She said it seemed
the longest week she ever saw, bnt when we brought the
water, and took a plate of pickles to the hired girl that
was down with the mumps, we got in the lilac bashes and
waited for the curtain to rise. It wasn't long before folks
began going to chureh> and you'd a dide laughing to see
them all stop in front of where Ma was washing and look
at her, and then go on to where Pa was hoeing weeds and
stop and look at him and then drive on. • After about a
dozm teams had passed I heard Ma ask Pa if he knew who
was dead, as there most be a funeral somewhere. Pa had
just hoed into a bumble-bee's nest and said he did not
know of any that was dead, but knew some tiiat ought to
be, and Ma she did not ask any foolish questions any more.
After about twenty teams had stopped, Ma she got nervous
and asked Deaeon Smith if he saw anything green; he
said something about desecration, and drove away. Deaecm
Brown asked Pa if he did not think he was setting a bad

U0 nm miamt lux AMD

wl«re th«y could not «. h«r. ^'^^l^'^^iKTe
,^ ^ «w . down of o«r <«««"«^ iTV taL it
,Mnirt«r, «le into our yird. ttd my ehnm «*I J^*
^Ttoe to fly. «. ^e got on the bwk^ whwe^ eo^d

I^^. mrt them .t the door. «P«»«»«."«-. ^"^JT^
t:^^h«n ih«y were .eUed. M. A. ^.^J^ ^^
^ tt WM a TBry unhealthy year, and rt rtood P-opi* ™

ss -rr.:: S'mTp.i': «d wond^^o ,.

^ ta. and p. «y^ ' Wt keep u. in ^u^n.^ who -
^,. «d the elder ^ no one wa. dead; hut Jh^
Stod r. duly they owed the «««e to tdw aehon on
SSffo" ^oiiSfrSunday. Ma. -he i^J;-^; »J
they threw a piteher of water down her ^«^ «* ?*^^
heroewd they were a pack of lunation but Uiv "n "^w

action on them. Then there waa a lew "^
;^^ I eould not catch, and then we l««d ^ata A
^n^ over and -y it waa more tnek. of f**J^
wTen we knew tt wa. time to adjourn, and I wa.^
Si,^thron«h the b«* fence « Pa «««hed^mew^^

W rtaye. and thaf. what make, """..l™?*?"',,,,,^
^-That wM real mean in you hoy.." Mid the grooery
„ J^'K^^ hard for your Pa and Ma to ««plam
rtitt nutter Jurt think how bad they murt feel.
%Td^n'tSow. I r--'-'''*^^' JIT'S
Ten* teU how 'they fooled their father once, and got him
to^ ^n^" S^ gri^t. on Sunday, and Pa -d h« w-J*
IS «yl»dy to fool him on the day of the week. I dont

rKKt BID Bor.

tUnk • man aof^ to Umi* hb UM* boy bf datriiW Un
totoolhkfktlwr. "WiU, Illtakaa^Miof jrooriiflgrMnt
eider uid go," aod •oon the gnieiry man looked ont of
the window end found eomebodjr had added a eiphar to
the "Sweet eider, taij five eenta a ^aa," make it an
ezpenaiTe drink, eonaidering it wu made of aoar M>plaa.

TO OKXaBT MiM AMD

OHAPTBB XZn.

THB OU KAH AWrOU>T BUUTM).

"Oome in," Mid the grocery mwi to tlie b«d bojr, •• the
Tonth ftood om the itepi in m nneertain eort of a way, ae
tiMO^ he did not know whether he would be welcome or
not "I tell yon, boy, I pi^r you. I undwrtand your Pa
ha. got to drinking again. It ii too bad. Icantthinkof
anything that humiliatea a boy, and makea him » aihamed

aTto haw a father that ia in the habit of hoitting in too
mnehbenone. A boy feeta a. though everybody waa down
on him, and I don't wonder that «uoh boya oftra turn out
bad. "What itarted your Pa to drinking againi"
"0 Ma thinki it waa lonng money on the Ohieago raoea.
■ You aee, Pa if great on pointera. He don't nanally bet
uBleM he haa got a iure thing, but when he getai what thqr
call a pointer, that ia, «»mri)ody ten. him a certain hone ^
mre to win. beoaMC the other horaea are to be pulled back,
te thinks a job haa been put np, and if he thinks he is on
the imride of the ring he win bet He sayi tt does not do
any hurt to bet, if you win, and he argues that a man who
wins lots of monoy can do a great deal of good with It But
he had to walk home from the Chicago races all the same,
and he has been steaming ever since. Pa can't stand adrer-
rity. But I guess we have got him all right now. He is
the Bcartest man you ever saw," and the boy took a can
cpmer and began to oat the rinc under the store, just to
see if it would work as well on sine as on tin.
"What, you haven't bem dissecting hkn again, have

pacK'i BAD ■or.

U»

jroal" Mkid the groeeiy ouui, u he pnllad • ttool np btdda
the boy to hear the Mwi. "How did jroahriiiff him to Us

"Well, Ma tried hmTing the minirter talk to Pa, bat Pa
talked Bible, about taking a little wine for the itomaeh'i
take, and gave illnitrations abont Noah getting fall, to the
miniiter oonldn't braee him ap, and then Ma had lome of
the liatera oome and talk to him, but he brake them all np
by talking abont what an appetite they had for cham-
pagne pnnoh when they were out in eamp lait rammer,
and they couldn't have aoy effect on him, and eo Ma laid
■be guened I would liave tr> exjrciie my ingenuity on Pa
again. Ma hai an idea that I hare got aome eenae yet, lo
I told her that if nhe would do juat aa I aaid, me and my
chum would scare Pa so he would iwear off. She said she
would, and we went to work. First, I took Pa's qMetaeles
down to an optician Saturday ni^t, and had the glasses
taken out and a pair put in their place that would mag-
nify, and I took tkem home and put them in Pa's spectacle
case. Then I got a suit of clothes from my chum's trunk,
about half the siie of Pa's dothes. My chum's uncle is a
very small man, and Pa is corpulent I got n plug hat
three sizes smaller than Pa's hat, and the name out of Pa's
hat and put it in the small hat I got a shirt about hal'
big enough for Pa, and put his initials on the thing under
the bosom, and got a number fourteen collar. Pa wears
seventeen. Pa promised to braee up and go to ehiirch
Sunday morning, and Ma put these small dothes when Pa
could put them on. I told Ma, when Pa woke up, to tell
him he looked awfully bloated, and ezdte his curiosity,
and then send for me."

"Ton didn't play rach a triek as that on a poor old man,
did yont" said the grocery man, as a smile came over his

ttM.

110

TBI OBOOiaT MAW AXB

"Toa bit. DMpmte dtauM waniw «*P«««« *«[^
diM. w«U,M«toldP»lWlool»d»whilJyMo«tod,«adai^
Us dkripatton wm WUtof hta, «. twU •• "U tbt «* of
tha tmOj. P» ■•« !»• mwi^ •» *•«'* ****^ 'S
nrneh. Imt h« got up md put on hit •peetwlw and JoAid
•t UibmU in tha ^Hi. You'd » did* to ie« him look .t
UmMlt. Hli £«• lokad m big •• two turn, thnni^ tho
,lMi,aadbiinoMWMaiicbt P» looted fewed, and thw

BH BAMO LOOnD UMM A HAM.

te hdd up hit hmd md looked at that Hii hr-A looked
lite a *■«"■ Jurt then I came in, and I tunied pala, with
wme ohalk on my face, and I begun to oiy, and I laid, 'O,
P», what ails youf Ton are so sweUed up I hardly knew
yon.' Pa looked sisk to his stomaeh, and then he tried to
gat on his pants. 0, my, it was all I eonld do to keep from
landing to see him pull them pants on. He eonld just get
Us legs in, and whm I got a shoe bora and gave it to Um,

. noE'k BAD aor.

k* iiM owd. Ha wid it wm ■ mMn bogr that would |H«
Ui P» • tho* horn to put on hb puti irith. Th« panti
wouldn't ooBM uonnd Pk into ton inehM, and Pa aaid ha
moat hava «at aomatUng that diaacraed with him, and ha
laid it to watannalon. Ma atnfFad har handlcerehlaf in har
month to haap from laiBng, when aba aae Pa look at hiaaalf .
Tht Ugi of tha panta wera ao ti|^ Pa aonld hardljr
braatha, and he tumad pale, and aaid : 'Hennerj, jroor Pa
ia a miijbtr *Uh man,' and tlian Ma and me both lan^kad,
and ha aaid wa wanted him to die ao we eonid apend hia life
inaonuiee in riotooa living. But when Pa pot on the eon-
danaad ahirt. Ma ahe laid down on the loonce and fairly
TaUad, and I laochad till mj aide aohed. Pa got it orer
bia bead, and got hia handa in the ileerea, and MmldnH get
it either way, and he oonldn't lee ni langb, bnt he oonld
bear na, and he aaid: 'It'a darned ttaiaj, tint it, to have
a parent awaUed np thia way. If I boat 70a will both be
aorry.' Well, Ma took hold of one dde of the ehirt, and
I took hold it the other, and we polled it on, and when
V»'» bead eame np throni^ the collar, his face waa bine.
Ma told him ahe was afrdd he woold haTe a stroke of
apople^ before be got hia clothes on, and I imtfm Fa
thoni^ ao too. He tried to get the eoUar on, bnt it
wooldnt go half way aroand his neek, and he looked in
the i^aaa and eried, he lodced so. He sat down in • ehair
and panted he waa so out of breath, and the ahirt and panta
ripped, and Pa said there was no nae living it he was
gring to be a riTal to a fat woman in the side show. J'nst
then I pnt the ping bat on his bead, and it waa so small
it waa going to roll off, when Pa tried to fit it on bis head,
and then he took it oft and looked Inaide of it to see it it
waa hia hat, and when he f onnd his name in it, he said,
'Take it away. Ify bead is all wrong, toe.' Then he told
me to go for the doetor, mig^ qniek. I got the doetor

122

TBI OBOOBBT MAK AMD

and told him what we were trying to do wifli Pa, and he
said he would finish the job. So the Doc. eame in, and Fa
was on the lonnge, and when the Doe. saw him, he nid h
was Incky he was called just as he was or we would ha^e
required an undertaker. He put some pounded ice on Pa's
head the first thing, ordered the shirt out open, and we
got the pants off. Then he gave Pa an emetic, and had
his feet soaked, and Pa said, 'Doc, if yon will bring me out
of this I will never drink another drop.' The Doc. told Pa
that his life was not worth a button if he ever drank again,
and left about half a pint of sugar pills to be fired into Pa
every five minutes. Ua and me sat up with Pa all day
Sunday, and Monday morning I changed the spectacles,
and took the clothes home, and along about noon Pa said
he felt as though he could get up. Well, yon never see a
tickleder man than he was when he found the swelling had
gone down so he eonld get his pants and shirt on, and he
says that doctor is the best in this town. Ma says I am a
smart boy, and Pa has taken the pledge, and we arc all
right. Say, you dont think there is anything wrong in a
boy playing it on his Pa once in a while, do youf "

"Not much. Ton have very likely saved you Pa's life.
No, sir, joking ia all right when by so doing you can break
a person of a bad habit," and the grocery man cut a ehew
off a piece of plug that was on the counter, which the boy
had soaked in kerosene, and before he had fairiy got it
rolled in his cheek, he spit it out and began to gag, and as
the boy started leisurely out the door, the grocery man
said, "Look-a-here, condemn you, dont you ever tamper
with my tobacco again, or, hy thunder. 111 maul ytm,"
and he followed the boy to the door, spitting eotton all the
way; and, as the bof went around the comer, ti>e groosfy
man tiion^t how different a joke seemed when it waa •■

peck's bad bot.

123

(omebody die. And then he tamed to go in and rioM the
keroiene ont of his month, and t-mni a lign on a box of
new green apples, aa follow::;

COUO OB CHOimA. INPAITVM

YOV PAYS rCOi I'OyEY

AND TAKXS YOUR CBOICE.

THI OROOBIT lUM tSD

CHAPTER XXIII.

A QBAND BBHIABSAIi.

"I am thy father's ghost," said a sheeted form m the
doorway of the grocery, one evening, and the grocery man
got behind the cheese box, while the ghost continued in a
sepulchral voice, "doomed for a certain time to walk the
night," and, waving a chair round, the ^lost strode up to
the grocery man, and with the other ghostly hand reached
into a box of figs.

"No, you ain't no ghost," said the grocery man, recog-
nizing the bad boy. "GhosU do not go prowling around
groceries stealing wormy figs. What do you mean l»y this
anful masquerade business t My father never had no

ghostl" ^ ^ .

"O, we have struck it now," said the bad boy, aa M
pulled off his mask and rolled up the sheet he had worn
around him. "We are going to have amateur theatricals,
to raise money to have the church carpeted, and I am going
to boss the job."

"You dont say," answered the grocery man, aa he
thought how much he could sell to the church people for
a strawberry and ice cream festival, and how little he oonld
sell for amateur theatricals. "Who is going into it, and
what are you going to playl"

"Pa and Ma, and nuk and the minister, and three choir
gingwrs, and my chum, and the miniitar's wife, and two
deaaons, and an old maid are re he a rain g, but we hava not
tefdad what to play yat Thay "H want to play • dahr^

pick's bis bot.

125

•nt play, and I am fixing it ao they can all be latiafied.
The minister wants to play Hamlet, Fa wants to play Bip
Van Winkle, Ma wants to pli^ Mary Anderson, the old
maid wants to play a boarding-school play, and the ehoir
singers want an^ opera, and the minister's wife wants to
play Lady Macbeth, and my ehnm and me want to play a
double song-and-dance, and I am going to give them all a
show. We had a rehearsal last ni(^t, and I am the only
one able to be aronnd to-di^. Ton see, they have all been
studying different plays, and they all wanted to talk at
once. We let the minister sail in first. H« bad on * pair
of his wife's black stockings, and a mintle made of a linen
buggy-lap blanket, and he wore a mason's cheese knife
guoh as these fellows with poke bonnets and white feathers
wear when they get an invitation to a funeral or an excur-
sion. Well, yon never saw Hamlet murdered the way he
did it His interpretation of the character was that Ham-
let waa a dude that talked through his nose, and while he
was repeating Hamlet's soliloquy. Fa, who had come in
with an old hunting suit on, as Bip Van Winkle, went to
sleep, and he didn't wake up till Lady Macbeth came in,
in tiie sleep-walkiug scene. She couldn't find a knife, so
I took a slice of watermelon and sharpened it for her, and
she made a mistake in the one she was to stab, and she
stabbed Hamlet in the neck with a slice of watermelon, and
the core of the melon fell on Fa's taie, as he lay asleep as
Bip, and when Lady Macbeth said, 'Out damned spot,' Fa
woke up and felt the gob of watermelon on his face, and
he thought he had been murdered, and Ma came in on a
hop, skip and jump as 'Parthenia,' and threw her arms
around a deacon who was going tP play the grave-digger,
and began to call him pet names, and Pa waa mad, and the
ehoir singera they began to sing, 'In the North Sea lived a
whale,' and then they quit acting. Tou'd a dide to see

THB CmOCBBT MAN AKD

Hainlat Th« piece of watermelon went down hie neek,
•ad Ii«dy Msdbeth went off and left it in the woondondw
hi* eollar, and Ma had to pnll it out, and Hamlet nid the
■eeda and the jnioe was muning down inaide hie shirt, and
he said he wouldn't play if he was going to he stabbed with
a sliee of melon, so while his wife was getting the melon
seeds out of his neok, and drying the jnioe on his shirt, I
sharpened a ononmber for Lady Macbeth to nse as a dag-
ger, but Hamlet kicked on ouonmbers, too, and I had more
trouble than any stage manager ever had. Then Pa wanted
to rehearse the dmnken scene in Eip Van Winkle, where
he hugs Gretchen and drinks out of a flask behind her
back, asd he got one of the choir singers to act as Gretchen,
and I gueaa he would have been hugging tiU this time, and
have swallowed the flask, if Ma had not taken him by the
ear and said, a Uttle of dtat would go a good ways in an
entertainment for the church. Pa said he didn't know as
it was any worse than her prancing up to a grave-digger
and hugging him till the filling came out of his teeth, and
then the minister decided that we wonl4n't have any hng-
jing at all in the play, and the choir girls said they
wouldn't play, and the old maids stmok, and the play
came to a stand-still."

"Well, that beato anything I ever heard tell of. It|s a
shame for people outside the profession to do play aoting,
and I won't go to the er.tertainment nnless I get a pass,"
said the grocery i^an. "Did you rehearse any more t"

"Tai the minister Wanted to try the ghost scene," said
the boy, "and he wanted me to be the ghost Weil, they
have two 'Markses' and two 'Topsies' ia Uncle Tom's
Cabin, and I thought two ghosts in Hamlet would about
All the Irill f or amateurs, so I got my ohnm to aot as one
^KMt We broke them all up. I wanted to have something
new in ^uwts, so my chum and me got two pab of Ma's

i'eok's bad bot.

127

» , -«f-

long (toekmgs, one pair red and one pair blae, and I pnt on
a red one and a bine one, and my chum did the same.
Then we got some raffled clothes belonging to Ma, with
flounces and things un, and put them on so they came most
down to our knees, and we put sheets over us, clear to onr
feet, and when Hamlet got to yearning for his father's
ghost, I came in out of the bathroom with the sheet over
me, and said I was the huckleberry he was looking for,
and my chum followed me out and said he was a twin
ghost, also, and then Hamlet got on his ear and said he
wouldn't play with two ghosts, and he went off pouting,
and then my chum and me pulled off the sheets and danced
a elog dance. Well, when the rest of the troop saw our
make-up, it nearly killed them. Most of them had seen
ballet dancers, but they never saw them with different col-
ored socks. The minister said the benefit was rapidly
becoming a farce, and before we had danced half a minute
Ma recognized her socks, and she came for me with a hot
box, and made me take them off, and Fa was mad and said
the dancing was th^ only thing that was worth the price
of admission, and he scolded Ma, and the choir girls sided
with Fa, and just then my chum caught his toe in the
carpet and fell down, and that loosened the plaster over-
head and about a bushel fell on the crowd. Fa thought
lightning had struck the house, the minister thonght it was
a judgment on them all for play acting, and he began to
shed his Hamlet costume with one hand and pick the plas-
ter out of his hair with the other. The women screamed
and tried to get the plaster out of their necks, and wtile
Pa was brushing off the choir singers Ma said the rehearsal
was adjourned and they all went home, but we are going
to rehearse again on Friday night. The play cannot be
eontidered a success, but we will bring it out all rif^t by
the time tl* entertainment is to oome off."

128

TBB OBOCHIT lUM IMI)

"By gum," iwd Um grooMT "MB. "I ^<«>1* **• *• ^
wen that miniiter M HMnlet. Didn't he look ftmnyt

"Funny! WeU, I ihonld remMk. He eeemad to pr^
dominate. That is, he was too f^ed^ too numewna, •• it
were. But at the next reheaml I am going to work in an
aot from Bichard the Third, and my chum is going to pli^
the Caunaman of the Danites ,and I guess we wiU take the
eake Say, I want to work in an idiot somewhere. How
would you like to plsy the Idiotl Tou wouldn't haw to

rehearse or anything—" ^ , »v

At this point the bad hoy was seen to go out of the gro-
cery store real spry, f oUowed by a box of wooden elothe^
pin», that the groeery man had thrown after him.

peck's bad bot.

191

CHAPTBB XXIV.

THC ORVKL WOMAN AND TBI LUCKLBBB 000.

"Hello!" laid the grooeiy man to the bad boy, aa he
eame in with a black eye, leading a hungry looking dog
that was walking on three legs, and had one leg tied up with
a red silk handkerchief. "What is this — a part of your
amateur theatre t Now, you get out of here with that dog
mighty quick. A boy that hurts dogs so they have to have
their legs tied up, is no friend of mine," and the grocery
man took up a broom to drive tho dog out doors.

"There, you calm yourself," says the boy to the grocery
man, as the dog got behind the boy and looked up at the
grocery man as though he was not afraid as long as the bad
boy was around. "Set up the crackers and cheese, sausaRC
and pickles, and everything this dog wants to eat — he is a
friend of mine — that dog is my guest, and those are my
splints on his broken leg, and that is my handkerchief that
my girl gave me, wound around it, and yon touch that
dog except in the nay of kindness, and down comes your
honte." And the boy doubled up his fists as though he
meant business.

"Poor doggie," said the grocer}- man, aa he cut off a
piece of sausage and offered it to the dog, wjiich was de-
clined with thanks, expressed by the wagging tail. "Where
did yon steal himt"

"I didn't steal bin, and he is no cannibal. He won't
eat yonr sausage I" and the boy put up his elbow as though
t* ward off an imaginary blow. "Ten see, this dog wis

130

TBI OBOCBBT HAM AMD

foUowing . pet dog that belong*! to • JT^ "* ^
tried to Aoo him .wv, but he wouldn't Aoo Th» dog
did not know th.t he was a low born, nuwrable dog, wd
had no right to move in the society of an anstowatio pet
dog, and he foUowed right along. He thought thu wa. a
free country, and one dog wa. a. good a. another, and he
foUowed that woman and her pet dog nght mto her door
yard. The pet dog encouraged this dog, and he went m
the yard, and when the woman got up on the »teP« *«
threw a velocipede at thU dog and broke hia leg, and tten
she took up her pet and went in the hou«> eo she wouldn t
hear this dog howl. She is a nice woman, and I see her go
to meeting every Sunday with a lot of "'"■T^. '^^"^
her hands, and once I pumped the organ m the ehurch
where she goes, and she was so pious I thought she wa. an
L^-but%r^ls don't break dogs legs. I'll bet when die
goi up to the gate and sees St. Peter open the book and
^ for the charges against her she will tremble u though
she had fits. And when St. Peter runs his finger down the
ledger, and stops at the dog column, ^d turns and loota
at her over his speotadee, and says, 'Madam, how about
your stabbing a poor dog with a velocipede, and breatong
its legt' she wiU claim it was an accident; but she can^
fool Pete. He is on to everybody's racket, and if they get
in there, they have got to have a plean record."

"Say, look-a-here," said the grocery man, as he l<X)ked
at the boy in astonishment as he unwound the b^dto-
chief to dress the dog's broken leg, while «»« dogJ~'«^
UP in the boy's face with an expresaion of thaiOrfulness
anl confidence that he was an able practitioner in dog bone
setting, "what kind of talk is thatt You talk of heaven as
thon0i the booka were kept like the booW of a giooery,
and you apeak too familiarly of St. Peter.
"Well, I didn't mean any disr«^eet," said tb« Doy, m

pick's bad bot.

181

be flzsd the ipliati on the dof't leg, and tied it with •
■tring, while the dog lieked hi* hand, "bat I learned in
Sunday sohool that np there they watoh even the iparrow'e
fall, and they wouldn't be apt to get left on a dog bigger
tha 1 a whole flook of sparrowt, 'ipeoially when the dog'i
fall wai acoompanied with aaoh a noise as a veloeipede
makes when it falls down stairs No sir, a woman who
throws a Teloeipede at a poor, homeless dog, and breaks its
leg, msy oany a carload of prayer books, and she may
attend to all the soeiables, ant avoording to what I have
been told, if she goes sailing up to the gate of New Jeru-
salem, as though she owned the whole place and expeots
to be oahered into a private box, she will get left. The
man in ine box offioe wiU tell her she is not on the list, and
that there is a variety show below, where the devil is a
star, and fallen angels are dancing the can-can with sheet-
iron tights, on brimstone lakes, and she can probably crawl
under the canvas, but she can't get in among the angelic
hosts until she can satisfactorily explain that dog stoiy
that is told of her. Possibly I have got a raw way of ex-
pressing myself, but I had rather take my ohanoes if I
should apply for admission up there, with this lame dog
under my arm than to take hers with a pug dog that hain't
got any legs broke. A lame dog and a clear oonsoience
beats a pet dog, when ymr conscience feels nervous. Now
I am going to lay this dog -a a barrel of dried apples,
where your oat sleeps, and give him a little rest, and I will
give you four minutes to tell me all yon know, and yon will
have three minutes on your hands with nothing to say.
Unbutton your lip and give your teeth a vacation."

"Well, yon have got gall. However, I don't know but
you are right about that woman that hurt the dog. Still,
it may have been her way of petting a strange dog. Wn
should try to kxA upon tha eharitable side of people'^

HAM iM>

aeoHitriaitiM. But ••y, 1 wmt to •* y«m U you have ii«i
ujthiiig of my mm th«t d«UT«n groowi*. Sttoiday
ni^ I Mnt him over to your honie to ddlTor Mm* tUnai,
kbont ten o'eloek, and h« Jim rot diowod up dnoe. WaX
do yon think hai beoome of himi"

"Well, hy gam, th«t aeoonnte for it Saturday night,
•bout ton o'eloek, we hewrd lomebody in the Imok yard,
aronnd the Utehen door, jnat ai we were going to bed, and
Pa waa afraid it waa a bnrglar after the ehnreh money he
had eoUeoted laat Sunday. He had got to turn it oror the
nest day, to pay the miniater'e expenaea on hia vacation,
and it made him nervona to hate K around. I peeked out
of the window and law the man, and I told Pa, and Pa got
a revoWer and began ahooting throng the wire aereen to
the kitchen window, and I saw the man drop the baaket
and begin to climb over the fence real midden, and I went
out and began to groan, as though aomebody was dying in
the aUfly. Md I brought in ta? basket with the mackerel
and green eom, and told ?e liiat from the groaning out
there I guess he had killed the grocery delivery man, and
I wanted Pa to go out and help me hunt for the body, but
he said he waa gong to take the midnight train and go out
west on some businen, and Pa lit out. I guess your man
was scared and went one way, and Pa was scared and went
the other. WonH they be astonished when they meet each
other on the other side of the world t Pa wiU ahoot him
again when they meet, if he gives Pa any sass. P» "V*
when he gets mad he had just as soon eat as to kill a man."
"Well, I guess my man baa gone off to a Sunday picnic
or something, and will come back when he gets sober, but
how are your theatricals getting alongt" asked the grocery

man.

"0, that scheme is all busted," said fte boy. "At least
lutil the miniater gets back from hia vaoatiou. Tha etm-

nOK'S UD BOT.

gniatiMi hu notind a red ipot on Ui hand for Mine time,
and the ladiea eaid what he needed waa rat Thejr laid if
that ipot waa allowed to go on it might develop into a pim-
ple, and the miniiter might die of blood poiion, inperin-
dneed hj oTerworic, and they took up a eoUeetion, and he
haa gone. The ni^t they bid him good-bye, the ipot on
hia hand waa the inbjeet of mneh comment The women
aighed and laid it was laAj thejr notieed the ipot on hb
hand before it had lapped hia young life away. Pa laid
Job had more than fonr hundred boili wone than that, and
he nerer took a raeation, and then Ha dried Pa up. She
told Fa he had never niflered from blood poiaon and Pa
■aid he ooold raiae eat boili for the market and never
■qneal. Ha aee the only way to shnt Pa up waa to let him
go home with the ehoir linger. So die bonneed him off
with her, and he didnt get home till 'moet eleven o'elook,
but Ha ihe aet np for him. Haybe what ihe laid to Pa
made him go West after peppering yoor bnr^ar. Well, I
mnit go home now, 'eanae I ran the family linee Pa lit oat.
Say, aend aome of your moet ezpenaive canned f raita and
thing! over to the honie. Dam the ezpenae." And the
bad boy took the lame dog nnder hia arm and walked ont

1S4

THI OlOflan lUM AXB

OHAPTBRXXV.

TBI BAD BOT aiOWB THOnOHWUL.

"Wluit ;«a nttinff than like k bump on a \og fort"
Mk«d the grocery man of the b<td boy, ■■ the youth had eat
on a box for half an hour, with hia handi in Ua poeketa,
looking at a hole in the floor, until hia eyea were eet like a
dying hxnt. "What you thinking of, anywayf It seems to
me boys set around and think more than they used to when
I waa a boy," and the grocery man brushed the wilted let-
tuce, and ahook it, and tried to make it st-md up stiff and
eriap, before he put it ontdoora; but the contrary lettuce
which had be«i picked the day before, looked ao tired that
the boy noticed U.

"That lettuce leminda me of a girl. Yesterday I was in
here when it waa new, like the prl going to the picnic, and
U was as fieah and proud, and starched up, and kitteny,
and full of life, and saa«y aa a girl starting out for a picnic.
To-diV it haa got back from the picnic, and, like the girl,
the etaich ia all taken out, and it ia limber, and languid,
and tired, and cant stand up alone, and it looks aa though
it wanted to be laid at rest bedde the rotten apples in tiie
alley, rather than be set out in front of a store to be sold
to h(niat people, and pve them gangrene of the Uver," and
the boy put on a health commissioner air that frightened
the grocery man, and he threw the lettuce out the back

doof- .. ...

"Ton never mind about my lettuce," said the grocery

nox'i BAD aoT.

man, "I «aii attend to my kffain. But now tall me wl::.t
70a were thinking tbont here all the morning t"

"I WM thinking what a fool King Solomon was," said
the boy, with the air of one who has made a itatement that
ha« got to be argued pretty strong to make it hold water.

"Now, look-a-here," eaid the grocery man, in anger, "I
have rtood it to have you play tricks on me, and have
listened to yonr condemned foolishness without a murmur
as long as yon have confined yourself to people now livinjr,
but when you attack Solomon— the wisest man, the great
king— and call him a fool, friendship ceases, and you nuut
get out of this store. Solomon, in all his glory, is a friend
of mine, and no fool boy is going to abuse him in my
presence. Nor. you dry up I"

"Sit down on the ice-box," said the boy to the grocer>-
man; "what you need is rest. Ton are overworked. Tour
alleged brain is equal to wilted lettuce, and it can devise
ways and means to hide rotten peaches under good ones,
BO as to sell them to blind orphans ; but when it comes to
grasping great questions, your small brain cannot compre-
hend them. Tour brain may go up sideways to a great
question and rub against it, but it cannot surround it, and
grasp it That's where you are deformed. Now, it is dif-
ferent with me. 1 can raise brain to sell to you grocery
men. Listen. This Solomon is credited with being the
wisest man, and yet history says he had a thousand wives.
Just think of it. Ton have got one wife, and Pa has got
one, and all the neighbors have one, if they have had any
kind of luck. Does not one wife make you pay attention »
Wouldn't two wives break yon npt Wouldn't three cause
you to see stars » How would ten strike yout Why, man
alive, you do not grasp the magnitude of the statement
that Solomon had a thousand wives 1 A thousand wives.

186

THE OROOEBT UAN ANO

itanding ride by ride, would reach abont four block*.
Marebing l>y fours, it Would take them twenty minute* to
pass a given point. The largest summer resort hotel only
holds about five hundred people, so Sol would have had to
hire two hotels if he took his wives out for a day in the
country. If you would stop and think once in a while you
would know more."

The grocery man's eyes had begun to stick out as the
bad Yxv continued, as though the statistics had never been
brought to his attention before, but he was bound to stand
by his old friend, Solomon, and he said, "Well, Solomon's
wivea must have been different from our wives of the
present day."

"Not much," said the boy, as he saw he was paralyang
the grocery man. "Women have been about the same ever
sinoe Eve. She got mashed on the old original dude, and
it stands to reason that Solomon's wives were no better
than the mother of the human race. Statistics riiow that
one wnman out of every ten is red-headed. 'That would
pve Solomon an even hundred red-headed wives. Just
that hundred red-headed wives would be enough to make
an ordinary man think that there is a land that is fairer
than this. Then there would be, out of the other nine hun-
dred, abont three hundred blondes, and the other rix
hundred would be brunettes, and maybe a few albinos and
bearded women, and fat women, and dwarfs. Now, those
thousand women had appetites, desires for dress and style,
the same as all women. Ima^e Solomon saying to them :
"Girls, lets all go down to the ice cream saloon and have
a dish of ice cream.* Can you, with your brain muddled
with oodflah and new potatoes, realize the scene that would
foUowt Suppose after Solomon's broom brigade had got
seated in the iee creamery, one of the red-headed wives

pick's bad bot.

137

ihonld estoh Solomon winking at • itrange girl st another
table. Ton may think Solomon did not know enough to
wink, or that he was not that kind of a flirt, bat he mutt
haye been or he could nerer have snceeeded in marrying a
thoniand wives in a sparsely settled conntiy. No, sir, it
looks to me as thongh Solomon, in all his glory, was an old
maaher, and from what I have seen of men being bossed
around with one wife, I don't envy Solomon his thousand.

TBI BABT 18 TIITIilNO.

Why, jnat imagine that gang of wives going and ordering
fall bonnets: Solomon would have to be a king or a Van-
derbilt to stand it. Ma wears five dollar silk stockings, and
P»kiek( awfully when the bill comes in. Imaj^e Solomon
putting np for a few thoasand pair of silk stockings I I
am glad yon will sit down and reason with me in a rational
way about some of these Bible stories that take my breath
•way. The minister stands me off when I try to talk with

138

TBB OBOOBBT MAM AKD

bim aboat nich things, and telli me to rtady the pmJ^
of the Prodigal Son, and the deaeona teU me to go and
■oak my head. There ia dam Uttle enoonragement for a
boy to try and flgnre out thing). How would you like to
have a thousand red-headed wirea oome into the store this
minute and teU yon they wanted you to send earriages
around to the house at three o'doek so they eonld go for a
driyet Or how would you like to have a hired gfarl eome
rushing in and tell you to send up six hundred doctors,
because six hundred of your wives had been taken with
cholera morbuat Op—"

"O, don't mention it," said the grocery man, with a
shudder. "I wouldn't tite Solomon's place, and be the
natural protector of a thousand wires if anybody would
give me the earth. Think of getting up in a cold wmter
morning and buUding a thousand Ureal Think of two
thousand pair of hands in a feUow's hair I Boy, you have
shown me that Solomon needed a guardian over him. He
didn't have senae."

"Tee," says the boy, "and think of two thousand feet,
each one as eold as a brick of chocoUte ice cream. A man
would want a back as big aa the fence of a fair gronni
But I dont want to harrow up your feelings. I must go
and put some arnica on Pa. He haa got home, and says he
has been to a summer resort on a vacation, and he ia all
covered with blotches. He siors it is mosquito bites, but
Ma thinks he haa been shot full of bird shot by some water-
melon farmer. Ma hasn't got any eympathy for Pa be-
eause he didn't take her along, but if she had been thwe
JU would have been fllled with bird shot, too, But yon
«i»«tk't detain me. Between Pa and the baby, I have got
•B 4ili can attend to. The baby ia teething, and Ma
I put my fingers in the briiy's mouth to halp it

PECK '8 BAD BOT.

139

ent taeth. That ia a hnmiliatipg position for a boy ai big
ai I am. Say, how many babies do yon flgnre that SolomoD
had to boy rabber tooUiing rings for, in all his gloiy t"

And the boy went ont, leaving the grocery man refleet-
ing on what a family Solomon most have had, and how he
needed to be the wisest man to get along without a eireos
afternoon and evening.

140

ram oioobt has iin>

CHAFTBB XXVI.

"Want to bny Miy oibbageit" aid tht bad boy to the
groceir man, as he itopped at the door of the gioeec.
dnsMd in a bine iranraa, hie breeehei taeked in hia boots,
and an old hat on his hoftd, with a hole that let out his hair
throng the top. He had got out of a demoerat wagon, and
was holding the lines hitched to a horse about forty years
old, that leaned against the hitching poet to rest, "Only a

diilling apieee."
"O, go 'w^," said the grocery man. "I only pay three

cents apiece." And then he looked at the boy and «id
"Hello, Hennery, is that yont I haw missed yon aU the
wedc, and now yon come on to me sudden, disguised as a
granger. What does this all meant"

"It means that I have been the victim of as vile a con-
spiiaoy as eror was known rince Oasar was stabbed, and
Mare Antony orated over his prostrate corpse in the
Boman forum, to an andience of snpee and scene shifter^"
and the boy, dropping the linea on the sidewalk, said>
"Whoa, gol dam youl" to the horse that was asleep, wiped
hia boots on the grass in front of the store and came in, and
seated himself on the old half bushel. "There, this seems
like home again."

"What's the rowf— who has been playing it on yonf
And the grocery man smelled a sliarp trade in cabbages, as
well aa other smells peculiar to the brm.
"Well, ni teU you. Lstely oor ftilks have bean con-

nox'a BID BOT.

141

ttantly taUdag of the indepeiidant life of th« f aimer, and
how eaax it ia, and how tha^ would like it if I would learn
to be a fanner. They aaid there waa nothing Uke it, and
aereral of the nei^bora joined in and aaid I had the
natnral ability to be one of the moat ineoeaafal farmera in
the atate. Thegr all drew pietnrea of the fun it waa tc work
on a farm where 70a eoold get yonr work done and take

"AMD PITOB BAT ADD SKILL THB 8Wm FIBFUIO.

yonr flah-pole and go off and oateh fiah, or a gun and go
out and kill game, and how yon oonld ride horaea, and
pitoh hay, and amell the iweet perfume, and go to huaking
beea, and danoea, and everythiug, and they got me all work-
ad np ao I wanted to go to work on a farm. Than an oM
d^aecm that belongs to oor drareb, who runs a farm aboat
ei^ milea out of town, ha eama on the acene, and aaid he

l«l

THS OaOOBY If AN AKD

wanted • boj, and if I would go oat and work for him he
would be eaqr on ma beoanaa ha knew my folka, and we
balonced to the aame ehnreh. I ean lee it now. It waa all
a put np job on me, joit like they play thtee eard monte
on a f reih itianger. I wai took in. By goah, I have been
out there a week, and here'a what there ia left of me. The
only way I got a ehanoe to oome to town waa to tell the
farmer I oonld aell eabbagea to yon for a ahillinga a piece.
I knew yon aold them for fifteen eenta and I thoagfat that
wonld give me a ihilling. So the fanner said he woold pay
me my wages in cabbages at a shilling apiece and only
charge me a dollar for the hone and wagon to bring them
in. So yon only pay three cents. Here are thirty cabbages,
whieh will come to ninety cents. I pay a dollar for the
hone, and when I get bade to the farm I owe the farmer
ten cents, beaidea working a week for nothing. 0, it ia all
ri|^t I don't kick, but this ends farming for Hennery.
I know when I have got enough of an easy life on a farm.
I prefer a hard life, breaking stones on the streets, to an
easy, dreamy life on a fkim."

"Th«y did play it on yon, didn't they t" said the groceiy
man. "But waan't the old deacon a good man to work
fori"

"Qood man nothing," said the boy, as he took up a piece
of horseradish and began to grate it on the inside of his
rou^ hand. "I tall you there's a heap of difletenee in a
deacon in Sunday school, telling about sowing wheat and
tarea, and a deacon out on a farm in a hurty seaaon, when
there is hay to get in and wheat to harvest all at the aame
time. I went out to the farm Sunday evening with the
deaecm and his wife, and th«y oonldnt talk too nmch
abont Hu nice time we would have, and the fnn; but the
dsiaon changed more than forty degreea in Ats minntes,
' we got to the fann. He jumped out of Oa wagon

feck's bad bot.

143

and pulled off hit coat and let his wift climb out over th.-
wlMd, and yelled to the hired girl to bring out the milk
pail, and told me to fly aronnd and onhameH the hone

inn>, BUBBS AMD HOSqUITOBS WXBB THICK.

and throw down a lot of hay for the work animals, and
then told me to mn down to the paatnre and drive np a lot
of oowi. The pasture wag half a mile away, and the cows
were aoattered aronnd in the woods, and the mosquitos were
thiek, and I got all ooTered with mad and bnrrs, and stong
witii thistiea, and when I got the oattle near to the home,
the old deaoon yelled to me that I waa dower than iiinlaf

144

THX QBOCBBT MAN iSO

in tk* wintw, and thm I took m ohib tod triad to hnnr^
the flowi, nd he y«Ued at mo to itop hnrrjring, 'fum I
wmld retMd the flow of milk. By godi I »« mad. I
mV«h for * inoiqiiito-bM to put oyer me the next time I
went after the oowe, and the people aU UniM at me, and
when I eat down on the-fenee to aorape the mnd off my
Sunday panti, the deaeon yelled like he doee in the re-
viY.1, only he laid, ' Come, eoL .e, prooraatination if the ttdef
of time. Yon get up and hump yonrcelf and go and feed
the pigfc' He waa ao dam mean that I could not help
throwing a bnrdook burr againat the aide of the eow he waa
milking, and it rtmck her rij^t in the flank on the other
side from where the deaoon waa. Well, you'd a dide to
' aee the oow jump up and bUt. All four of her feet were
off the ground at a time, and I gneaa meet of them hit the
deaeon on hia Sunday vMt, and the reet hit the milk pail,
and the oow backed againrt the fence and bellered, and the
deaeon waa all covered with milk and cow hair, and ho got
up and throwed the three-legged rtool at the eow and hit
her on the horn and it glano«d off and hit me on the panti
joit aa I went over the fence to feed the piga. I didn't
know a deaoon could talk so «a«y at a cow, and eome ao
near "wearing without actually saying ousa worda. WeU,
I lugged awill until I waa homesick to mj stomaeh, and
then I had to dean off horses, and go to the nei(^ibora
about a mile away to borrow a lot of rakea to use the next
day. I waa ao tired I almoat cried, and then I had to draw
two barrela of water witii a well bucket, to deanae for
waahing the next day, and by that time I wanted to die.
It waa most nine o'clock, and I began to think about sup-
per, when the deacon said aU they had was bread and milk
for'sopper Sunday ni(^t, and I rasseled with a tin baain of
ikjm milk, and some old baA number bread,' and wanted to
go to bed, but the deaoon wanted to know if I waa heathen

PMX'8 BAD BOT.

146

•noDfli to want to fo to bad without eraniisg prtjan.
There waa no one thing I wu leM niMhed on than evening
prayen abont that minote, bnt I had to take a pntyer half
an honr long on top of that skim milk, and I gnev it
enrdled the milk, for I hadn't been in bed more than half
an hoar before I had the worat oolio a boy ever had, and I
thonijit I ahoold die all alone np in that garret, on the
floor, with nothing to make my laat honra pleaaaot bat
aome rati playing with eart of aeed oom on the floor, and
miee ronning through lome dry pea pode. Bnt how differ-
ent the deacon talked in the evening devotiona from wbttt
he did when the oow waa galloping on him in the bam
yard. Well, I got through the oolio and waa jnat getting
to deep when the deaeon yelled for me to get ap and hoatle
down ataira. I thoni^t maybe the home waa on Are, 'eanae
I imelled amoke, and I got into my troaaer* «3d eame down
ataira on a jump yelling 'Fire,' when the deacon grabbed
me and told me to get down on my kneea, and before I
knew it he waa into the morning devotiona, and when he
Mid 'Amen' and jumped and said f or ni to fii« bnaktaat
into na qnick and get to work doing ohorea. I looked at
the elook and it waa just three o'clock in the morning; jnat
the time Pa oomee home and goes to bed in town, when lie
ia rooming a political campaign. Well, air, I had to jnmp
from one thing to another from throe o'clock in the morn-
ing till nine at night, pitching h«y, driving reaper, raking
and binding, ahockiag wheat, hoeing com, and evoything,
and I never got a kind word. I ipoiled my olothei, and I
think another week would make a pirate of me. Bat dar-
ing it all I had the advantage of a pioua example. I tell
yoa, }oa think more of inch a man aa the deacon if yoa
don't work tor him, but only see him when he oomea to
town, and you hear him sing, 'Heaven ia my Home,'
thnni^ his noae. He even is farther from home than any

TBI OaOOCBT lUX AMD

pUee I «»er Iwwd of. He ironld b« • good mate on •
UiMiMippi Biver ite«mbo«t if he oonld ewear, and I pm*
he oonld eoon leam. Now you take theM eaWiageB and
give me ninety oents, and I wUl go home and borrow tm
cents to make np the doUar, and «end my ohum back with
the hone and wagon and my resignation. I wa« not eat
out for a farmer. Talk about ftahing, the only flih I iaw
wai a aalt white fl»h we had for breakfast one morning,
which was salted by Noah, in the ark," and while the
groeeiy man was unloading the cabbages the boy went off
to look for his chum, and later the two boys were seen
driving off to the farm with two fishing poles sticking out
of the hind end of the wagon.

ntOX'8 BAD BOT.

147

CHAPTER XXVII.

DMNKINO OmU ID TBS CCLUUk

"Will, I twow, hen eomea a walking hospital," uid the
groeciT man ai the bad boy't shadow came in the (tore,
followed hy the boy, who looked sick and yellow, and tired,
and he had lost half hi* flesh. "What's the matter with
yout Haven't got the yellow fever, have yout" and the
groceiy man plaeed a cOiair where the invalid could fall
into it

"No, gnt-the ager," said the boy as he wiped the perspi-
tatiou off his upper lip, and looked aronnd the store to see
if there was anything in sight that would take the taste of
quinine out of his mouth. "Had too much dreamy life of
ease on the farm, and been shaking ever since. Dam a
farm anyway-"

"What, you havoi.'t been to work for the deacon any
more, have yout I thought you sent in your resignation ;"
and the grooery man offered the boy some limberger cheese
to strengthen him.

"O, take that cheese away," said the boy, as he turned
pale and gagged. "Tou don't know what a sick person
needs any more than a professional nurse. What I want U
to be petted. You see I went oat to the farm with my
ehnm, and I took the flsh-poles and remained in the woods
while ha drove the horse to the deacon's; and he gave the
deacon my resignation, and the deacon wouldn't accept it.
He said he would hold my redgnaticm until after harvest,
and (hot aet on it He said he could put me in jail ior

«( pnate, U I qoit wort Hid lift kim wilkiMf
■Mnff preptr notiM; ac-* my flhnm earn* and tdd B^ and
•0 1 aoBehidad to fo to irork rtthar tlMii h»T« my tiaabb,
and tha dMOon laid my dmm «onId work a t«w day* for
Ua board if ha mntod to. It was pretty dam poor board
for a boy to work tor, bat my ehnm wanted to b« with ma,
■0 ha itayad. Pa and Ma eame oat to tha farm to itay a
dajr or two to hdp. Pa waa ffoinff to hdp hamat, and Ha
WM goiiv to help tha deaeon'a wife, bat Pa wanted to
aarry the jng to the field, and lay nnder a tree while the
net of 08 worked, and Ua jnat talked the arm off the
deaaont wife. The deaoon and Pa laid in the ihade and
Ma my ehnm and me work, and Ma and the deaeon'a wife
goMipped 80 they forgot to get dinner, and my ehnm and
me organised a strike, bat we were beaten by monopoly.
Pa took me by the neck and thradied ont a ihoek of wheat'
with my heels, and the deaeon took my ehnm and sat down
on Um, and we begged and they gaye ns onr (dd sitaatkna
baok. But we got em with them that ni^t I tell yon,
when a boy tries to be good, and quit playing jokaa on
people, and tben haa ererytedy down on Um, and haa his
Pa hire him ont on a farm to woA for a deaeon that
hasn't got any soal exeept when he is in ehnrdi, and a
boy has to get up in the ni^t to get breakfast and go to
work, and haa to work nntil late at night, and flisy kiok
beeanse he wsnts to put batter on his panoakea, and feed
him Aim milk and rasty fat pork, it makes him tongh, and
he woald play a joke on his aged grandmother. Alter my
ehnm and me had got all ibe ehores done that ni^t, we
sat oat on a fenee baek of the hoase in the orehard, eating
giaan *PV^ "> ^ moonlii^ and trying to think of a
plan of rerenge. Jnst then I saw a skank baek of Oe
hoaae, riifU by the outside odlw door, ud I told my ehwa
that it waold serre tham r!^ to drive, tha Aank down

nOBli BABMT.

adUr and drat th« door, bnt mf shnm Mid that would b«
too BMU. I Mk«d Urn if it wonld bo anj nMaer than
for tho doMon to sutteh no Iwld haadcd beMOM m
eoaldn't mow liajr twajr fiit enongli for two mon to piteh
in, ud 1m Mid it wouldn't, and m we got on each aide of
the Annk and aort of aeared it down cellar, and then we
crept up aoftly and eloaed the cellar doora. Then we went
in the honae and I wfaiapered to Ua and aaked her if die
didnt think the deacon had aome cider, and Ma die began
to hint that ahe hadnt had a good drink of eider dnee laat
winter, and the deaoon'a wife aaid m boya eonld take a
pHehar and go down odlar and draw aooie. That waa too
mndL I didn't want any dder, anyway, ao I told tiuu
that I belonged to a temperance ioeiety, and I dioold break
my pledge if I drawed cider, and die aaid I waa a good
boy, for me never to toneh a drop of cider. 'Rien ahe told
my ehnm where the cider barrd waa, down cellar; bnt he
aint no alonoh. He Mid he wm afraid to go down cellar
in the dai^ and lo Pa aaid he and the deacon wonld go
down and draw the cider, and the deacon 'a wife adted Ma
to go down too, and lotik at the froit and berriM die had
eaoned for winter, and they all went down edlar. Pa
carried an old tin lantern with bolM in it, to li^t the
deacon to the cider barrel; and the deaoon'a wife had a
taller candle to diow Ma the canned fmit I tried to gat
Ma not to go, 'canae Ma ia a friend of mine, and I didnt
want her to have anything to do with the cirena; bnt ahe
aaid ahe guewed ihe knew her bnaincH. When anybody
aaya they gncM they know their own bnaineM, that aettlea
it wtth me, and I don't try to argve with them. Well, my
(hum and me Mt fliera in the kitchen, and I atnibd a piece
a< red talde doth in my month to keep flram lawghJtig; and
mj Anm hdd Us nan with Ui flogw and ttnmh, as he
wwddnH anort ri^ oat We conM hear tiie eider r«u in

ISO

TBB CaOOBBT UAX iMD

Ae pHeher, and then it ttopped, and Uie deaeon drank out v
of the pitoher, and then Pa ^ and then they, drawed
■ome more dder, and M« and the deacon'* wife were talk-
ii« abont how mneh mgar it to* to can fruit, and the
deaeon told Pa to help himself out of a crook of fried
■tffc— , tnd I heard the cover on Uie crock ratfle, and just
then I heard the old tin lantern rattle on the brick floor of
the eellar, the deacon eaid 'Merciful goodne«;' Pa «aid
'Helen damnation, I am rtabbed;' and Ma yeUed
><,Coodaea aakea aliye,' and then there was a lot of didipans
on the ataini bepin to fall, and they all tried to get up
eellar at once, and flieyfeU over eadi other; and O, my,
wkU a frowy emell came up to the kitchen from the oel-
tav. It waa enough to kill anybody. Pa wa» the flrat to
get to the head of the staira, and he etuck hia head in the
Utahen, and drew a long breath, and eaid 'wkooski Hen-
nary, your Pa i» a mi^ly eick man.' The deacon came
op n«rt, and he had run hia head into a hanging ahelf
and broken a gtaaa jar of hmskleherriaa, and they were
aU oret Um, and he said 'give me air. Berth's but a
dt^g^jfcear.' Then Ma and the deacon's wife came up on
• mtm, and thej looked tired. Pa began to ped off his
eoat ^mi veat and aaid he was going out to bniy them, and
Ma mM he aoold bury her, too, and I aAed the deaeon if
%i didu't notice a faint odor of sewer gas coming from the
•Aar, and my chum said it smdled more to him as thon^
, ft ,n i*i.fag had erawied in the ceUar and died. Well, yon
never mm a sicker crowd, and I felt sorry for Ma and the
daaeon, 'oante their false teeth fell out, and I knew Ma
eonldnt gossip snd the deacon conldnt talk ssssy without
teeth. But you'd dide to see Pa. He was mad, and
thoo^ the deaeon h*d put up the job on him, and he was
gofaig to knock the deacon out in two rounds, when Ma
•aid there was no use of getting mad about a dispenaation

pbok'8 bad bot.

161

of providenee^ and Pa laid one more saeh dispenaatioii of
providenee wonld jtut Ull bim on the spot They flsaUy
got the honM aired, and my ohom and me dept on the
hay in tiie bam, after we had opened the outride cellar
door ao the animal eonki ge^ out, and the next morning I
had the feTer and igae, and Pa and Ma bioogfat me home,
and I have been firing qninine down my neck ever rinoa.
Pa taya it is malaria, bnt it is getting np before daylight
in Ae morning and prowling aiaond a farm doing chorea
before it is time to do chores, and I don't wiant any more
farm. I thonght at 9and«y school last Snnday, when the
superintendent talked about the odor of sanctity that per-
vaded the bouse on that beautiful morning, and looked at
the deacon, Hiat the des on thought the superintendent
was referring to him and Pa, but maybe it was an aooident
Well, I must go home and shoot anotlier charge of qninine
into me," and the boy went out as it he was on his last
le09, though he acted as if he was gtnng to have a little
fun while he did last.